Miles Kington: A moral tale from a parallel universe

'The call to save democracy is a bit of a puzzle for a medieval audience, as democracy does not exist'

Let us go back in time.

Back into history.

The year is 1347.

The Pope is making a major speech to the nations of Europe.

"We are declaring a Holy War," he says. "A Crusade. We are determined to track down these people who have done this thing and we are going to destroy them, and destroy all who have harboured them."

What people is he going to track down? And what have they done that is so wrong?

Well, they are the Muslims, and they have occupied Jerusalem, where they are proceeding to make Jews and Christians into second-class citizens.

The Pope (Pope George Jnr) has always had an affinity with the Christians and Jews; with the Christians, because he is one himself, and a very important one; and with the Jews, because if the Jews hadn't persecuted Jesus, there wouldn't be any Christians.

Heck, no.

So the Pope is declaring a Crusade to wipe out the Muslims. The infidels.

The people who control all the world's major supplies of sand.

But wait! He hasn't finished yet.

"This is not a war against Islam. It is only a war against people in funny headgear who believe in different prophets. So I call on all civilised nations to put aside their differences and join a war to protect democracy and save the Holy Place from the unbelievers."

The call to save democracy is a bit of a puzzle for a medieval audience, as democracy does not exist, and never did exist except for a while in ancient Greece, and even there they couldn't get it to work properly. Still, Pope George does ramble a bit so maybe...

A reader writes: Dear Mr Kington, are you trying to suggest that there is some sort of parallel between President Bush's declaration of war on the enemies of America and the idealistic but doomed Crusades?

Miles Kington writes: I suppose I am.

A reader writes: Mmmm. I think you may have trouble. But carry on.

Well, let us carry on indeed – from there to the year 1605!

In London.

Where the new king, James I, brought to the throne after a rather dodgy counting and recounting of royal relatives, is addressing the nation.

"My friends," he says. "We must hunt down the folks who have nearly done this dreadful thing, and we must make sure they pay for their dreadful crime. Not only that, we must make sure that all those who have harboured these people, yea, even unto the Vatican, are made to pay for their dreadful plotting and crimes."

What is the dreadful thing that has so nearly been done? And who are the dreadful people who so nearly did it? And what has the Vatican done?

Well, the security forces of James I have unearthed a terrible Catholic plot to hijack the Houses of Parliament and explode it in mid-air, creating an aftershock so terrible that 300 years later little children will be sitting outside Tube stations saying "Penny for the Guy"...

A reader writes: Hold on, hold on! Are you trying to suggest that blowing up a major building could bring democracy to its knees?

Miles Kington writes: I suppose I am.

A reader writes: Well, clever clogs, don't forget that in the 1830s the House of Parliament DID burn down, by accident, and everyone thought that it was a good thing because it was overdue for rebuilding. It certainly wasn't the end of democracy...

Maybe not, but pay no attention because now we are going to swoop back in history again, to the years of 1347-50, the era of the Black Death! Through all the countries of Europe, populations are being devastated by a ghastly disease that strikes at all, high-born or low, that is incurable and that leads to an excruciating death. Every citizen knows that all he or she has to do to risk death is to open an envelope and let a little powder out...

A reader writes: Wait, wait! Are you drawing a parallel between anthrax and the Black Death?

Miles Kington writes: That was the general intention.

A reader writes: If you want my advice, I should quit now, before you run out of dodgy historical parallels.

Miles Kington: I think maybe I will.