Miles Kington: A plague on these keys, fruit and pickled herring

The burglar can find your hidden spare key hanging in the garage on a hook, marked 'Spare House Key'
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Ten best places for a burglar to find the hidden spare key for a house:

Hanging on a string just inside the letter box

Under a flower pot

In a flower pot

Behind a flower pot

Under a big stone

Hanging in the shed

On top of the lintel of the door

Under a milk bottle

Hanging on a hook in the neighbour's house next door, as an emergency spare

Hanging in the garage on a hook, marked "Spare House Key"

Ten quotes from Shakespeare which seem never to have been used as titles for books:

Sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought

Ay, there's the rub

Cassio, I love thee

O curse of Marriage!

Thou cream-faced loon!

Dead Caesar's trencher

A lascivious Moor

A plague o' these pickle-herring!

Not naturally honest

Like an icicle on a Dutchman's beard

Ten people with the same initials as Jesus Christ:

John Cleese

Jackie Clunes

Joan Collins

Jackie Collins

Jeremy Clarkson

Jasper Carrott

Jason Connery

Jacques Chirac

John Coltrane

Jenny Colgan

Ten things named after a prime minister:

Wellington boot

Gladstone bag

Disraeli gears

Macmillan Way

Earl Grey tea

Peel Acres

Eden Vale yoghurt

Salisbury Plain

Pitt Rivers Museum

Blair Witch Project

Ten examples of the undying urge to name things after fruit:

Apple Mac

Orange phones

The Greengage Summer

Blackberry Thumb

Pears' Encyclopaedia



Date rape

Cherry Blossom shoe polish

Mulberry handbags

Ten things we read about uncomprehendingly in old novels:


Sal volatile

Smelling salts








Ten common places where a man leaves his car keys:

In his coat

In his other coat

Stuck in the ignition

Stuck in the car door

On his key ring, which is being used for one of the 17 other keys on the same ring

In the pocket of last night's trousers

In the pocket of last night's coat

On his dressing table

On his mistress's dressing table

In the taxi he got home in late last night

Ten common places where a woman leaves her car keys:

On the kitchen table

On the kitchen dresser

On the hall table

In her hand

In her handbag

In her other handbag

In her make-up bag

In her purse

In her wallet

Under a flower pot