Miles Kington: A stagger through Shambolia and Bazakhstan

Click to follow
The Independent Online

At about this time of year newspapers often print excerpts from new dictionaries, showing new words and expressions that are finding homes in dictionaries with street cred. Today's selection is slightly different. It is a cross-section of words and definitions that haven't appeared in any dictionaries yet.

Alcopup: a cure for a mild hangover, ie the hair of a small dog.

Asbore: A man who knows all about how family courts work, and tells you all about it.

Bazakhstan: Name commonly used to describe a country which ends in –stan, like Kyrgyztan or Kazakhstan, but whose exact name you can't precisely remember.

Disappropriate: One of a series of words being tested out to replace the awful and ubiquitous "inappropriate".

Gentrification: The first step towards sainthood in the Catholic Church; before sanctification and beatification can be considered, a candidate must go through gentrification to prove that he or she is a gent or a lady, and not just a bit of rough stuff.

Experrieritis: Inability to remember what the Perrier Prize is called these days, usually accompanied by a habit of still calling it the Perrier.

Gormleyisation: A process whereby inoffensive villages wake up one day to find they are pockmarked by life-size statues of men which have come from nowhere and are assumed to look like Antony Gormley, even though nobody is sure what Antony Gormley looks like, and you certainly can't tell from these statues.

Ill-appropriate: One of a series of words being tested out to replace the awful and ubiquitous "inappropriate".

Kayak: A unique example of a palindromic boat, in that the name not only reads the same back to front and front to back, but the boat looks and handles the same, back to front, as well.

Malappropriate: One of a series of words being tested out to replace the awful and ubiquitous "inappropriate".

Millennium Block: One of a series of thousands of boulders mysteriously placed on the exterior of almost every village in Britain in the year 2000, and left untouched ever since.

Paedophobia: There has been so much emphasis placed on people with an unnatural attraction to children that we often forget the opposite impulse: an urge to avoid the company of children wherever possible, based on a feeling that they bring nothing but anarchy, mess, bad temper, and a waste of good cooking. Not only is it much more common than paedophilia, it is far healthier and more understandable

Shambolia: A mythical country situated on the borders between healthy and safety regulations, and Hindu animal worship. It covers such odd things as the confusion between "ghat" and "ghee", which has persuaded some people that Hindu funeral pyres are composed of huge blocks of clarified butter, on which the remains of the late lamented are pan fried until they vanish.

Stagger: A guest at a stag party.

Subappropriate: One of a series of words being tested out to replace the awful and ubiquitous "inappropriate".

Syndromitis: A tendency to explain someone's behaviour by reference to a new and hitherto unknown syndrome you read about in last Sunday's papers.

Tikkapedia: Website containing all you need to know about Indian cooking.

Wackapedia: Website containing all you need to know about Liverpool.

Wokapedia: Website containing all you need to know about Chinese food.

Yakapedia: Website containing all that you need to know about Nepal.

Comments