Miles Kington: Chance would be a fine thing. Or would it?

And the train announcer really is sorry for any inconvenience caused by late running

Share
Related Topics

1. That because someone is a good stand-up comedian, he will also be able to act.

2. That because someone is good at the dispatch box, he will also be good in government.

3. That politics and party politics are the same thing.

4. That adding the name of your county to your address will make postal sorting faster.

5. That having a suntan is the same thing as looking well.

6. That obituary writers are taken by surprise when someone dies.

7. That instant coffee tastes of coffee.

8. That the pictures are better on radio.

9. That if you resist throwing a broken thing away, you will one day get round to mending it.

10. That switching a computer off and then back on again will cure all troubles.

11. That the popularity of the Harry Potter books has led to a renaissance in boarding schools.

12. That where you live is safe from flooding.

13. That you can now fly anywhere in the world for £35.

14. That airports are near the city after which they are named.

15. That in the Dead Parrot sketch, John Cleese was the funny one.

16. That "disinterested" means "not interested".

17. That salt thrown on a wine stain will remove it.

18. That white wine poured on a red wine stain will remove it.

19. That anything thrown on a red wine stain will remove it.

20. That because someone sells lots of records, they have interesting views.

21. That the Welsh and the Scottish like each other.

22. That it makes any difference whether you put the tea or the milk in first.

23. That George Orwell only invented "Room 101" so that celebrities could ask for other annoying celebrities to be put into it.

24. That Anne Robinson already knows the answers to the questions she has to ask.

25. That Americans have no irony.

26. That flat-leaved parsley is inferior to the curly variety.

27. That if you cheer up, it may never happen.

28. That you will like people whose prejudices you happen to share.

29. That you look good in your most comfortable clothes.

30. That British police are unarmed.

31. That you mustn't grumble.

32. That medicine left in the bathroom cupboard never loses its potency.

33. That those people we swapped addresses with on holiday are never going to get in touch.

34. That the man doing the announcements on the train really is genuinely sorry for any inconvenience that the late running of this service may have caused.

35. That it's a long long way to Tipperary.

36. That there is such a thing as the Clapham omnibus.

37. That the words "appropriate" and "inappropriate" mean anything.

38. That all famous people know each other.

39. That all famous people like each other.

40. That being chosen to host the Olympic Games makes a place better.

41. That when an after-dinner speaker says he will be brief, he actually will be brief.

42. That when politicians' wives say they will stand by their husbands, they actually will.

43. That an expert witness should always be trusted.

44. That an expert witness should never be trusted.

45. That O J Simpson was innocent.

46. That the Pope is a Catholic.

47. That stranger things have happened at sea.

48. That chance would be a fine thing.

49. That pigs might fly.

50. That I'm the Queen of Sheba.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: Marketing & Sales Manager

£40000 per annum: Ashdown Group: A reputable organisation within the leisure i...

Tradewind Recruitment: Science Teacher

£90 - £140 per day: Tradewind Recruitment: I am currently working in partnersh...

Recruitment Genius: Doctors - Dubai - High "Tax Free" Earnings

£96000 - £200000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Looking for a better earning p...

Recruitment Genius: PHP Developer

£32000 - £36000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A rapidly expanding company in ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
British Prime Minister Tony Blair (L) pictured shaking hands with Libyan leader Colonel Moamer Kadhafi on 25 March 2004.  

There's nothing wrong with Labour’s modernisers except how outdated they look

Mark Steel
 

Any chance the other parties will run their election campaigns without any deceit or nastiness?

Nigel Farage
Isis hostage crisis: The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power

Isis hostage crisis

The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power, says Robert Fisk
Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

Maverick artist Grayson Perry backs our campaign
Missing salvage expert who found $50m of sunken treasure before disappearing, tracked down at last

The runaway buccaneers and the ship full of gold

Salvage expert Tommy Thompson found sunken treasure worth millions. Then he vanished... until now
Assisted Dying Bill: I want to be able to decide about my own death - I want to have control of my life

Assisted Dying Bill: 'I want control of my life'

This week the Assisted Dying Bill is debated in the Lords. Virginia Ironside, who has already made plans for her own self-deliverance, argues that it's time we allowed people a humane, compassionate death
11 best winter skin treats

Give your moisturiser a helping hand: 11 best winter skin treats

Get an extra boost of nourishment from one of these hard-working products
Isis hostage crisis: Militant group stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

Isis stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

The jihadis are being squeezed militarily and economically, but there is no sign of an implosion, says Patrick Cockburn
Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action

Virtual reality: Seeing is believing

Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action
Homeless Veterans appeal: MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’

Homeless Veterans appeal

MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’ to help
Larry David, Steve Coogan and other comedians share stories of depression in new documentary

Comedians share stories of depression

The director of the new documentary, Kevin Pollak, tells Jessica Barrett how he got them to talk
Has The Archers lost the plot with it's spicy storylines?

Has The Archers lost the plot?

A growing number of listeners are voicing their discontent over the rural soap's spicy storylines; so loudly that even the BBC's director-general seems worried, says Simon Kelner
English Heritage adds 14 post-war office buildings to its protected lists

14 office buildings added to protected lists

Christopher Beanland explores the underrated appeal of these palaces of pen-pushing
Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

Scientists unearthed the cranial fragments from Manot Cave in West Galilee
World War Z author Max Brooks honours WW1's Harlem Hellfighters in new graphic novel

Max Brooks honours Harlem Hellfighters

The author talks about race, legacy and his Will Smith film option to Tim Walker
Why the league system no longer measures up

League system no longer measures up

Jon Coles, former head of standards at the Department of Education, used to be in charge of school performance rankings. He explains how he would reform the system
Valentine's Day cards: 5 best online card shops

Don't leave it to the petrol station: The best online card shops for Valentine's Day

Can't find a card you like on the high street? Try one of these sites for individual, personalised options, whatever your taste