Miles Kington: Chance would be a fine thing. Or would it?

And the train announcer really is sorry for any inconvenience caused by late running
Click to follow
The Independent Online

1. That because someone is a good stand-up comedian, he will also be able to act.

2. That because someone is good at the dispatch box, he will also be good in government.

3. That politics and party politics are the same thing.

4. That adding the name of your county to your address will make postal sorting faster.

5. That having a suntan is the same thing as looking well.

6. That obituary writers are taken by surprise when someone dies.

7. That instant coffee tastes of coffee.

8. That the pictures are better on radio.

9. That if you resist throwing a broken thing away, you will one day get round to mending it.

10. That switching a computer off and then back on again will cure all troubles.

11. That the popularity of the Harry Potter books has led to a renaissance in boarding schools.

12. That where you live is safe from flooding.

13. That you can now fly anywhere in the world for £35.

14. That airports are near the city after which they are named.

15. That in the Dead Parrot sketch, John Cleese was the funny one.

16. That "disinterested" means "not interested".

17. That salt thrown on a wine stain will remove it.

18. That white wine poured on a red wine stain will remove it.

19. That anything thrown on a red wine stain will remove it.

20. That because someone sells lots of records, they have interesting views.

21. That the Welsh and the Scottish like each other.

22. That it makes any difference whether you put the tea or the milk in first.

23. That George Orwell only invented "Room 101" so that celebrities could ask for other annoying celebrities to be put into it.

24. That Anne Robinson already knows the answers to the questions she has to ask.

25. That Americans have no irony.

26. That flat-leaved parsley is inferior to the curly variety.

27. That if you cheer up, it may never happen.

28. That you will like people whose prejudices you happen to share.

29. That you look good in your most comfortable clothes.

30. That British police are unarmed.

31. That you mustn't grumble.

32. That medicine left in the bathroom cupboard never loses its potency.

33. That those people we swapped addresses with on holiday are never going to get in touch.

34. That the man doing the announcements on the train really is genuinely sorry for any inconvenience that the late running of this service may have caused.

35. That it's a long long way to Tipperary.

36. That there is such a thing as the Clapham omnibus.

37. That the words "appropriate" and "inappropriate" mean anything.

38. That all famous people know each other.

39. That all famous people like each other.

40. That being chosen to host the Olympic Games makes a place better.

41. That when an after-dinner speaker says he will be brief, he actually will be brief.

42. That when politicians' wives say they will stand by their husbands, they actually will.

43. That an expert witness should always be trusted.

44. That an expert witness should never be trusted.

45. That O J Simpson was innocent.

46. That the Pope is a Catholic.

47. That stranger things have happened at sea.

48. That chance would be a fine thing.

49. That pigs might fly.

50. That I'm the Queen of Sheba.