Miles Kington: For one week only, an unrepeatable sale

Fifty million identity cards. All unused. Would suit any firm with up to 50 million employees
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I am directed by H M Government to announce details of their Grand Christmas Sale.

Many items acquired by her Majesty's Government over the years have proved surplus to requirements, while others have not been needed or used.

Therefore in the period between now and New Year's Day, the Government is selling direct to the public a whole range of appliances, paper goods, personalities, etc, at unrepeatable rock- bottom prices.

This short selection may give some idea of the astounding value and range of what is available.

* A mouth-watering selection of promises, some of them hardly broken at all.

* A wide range of slogans which have proved invaluable to the Prime Minister in the past and which may suit new owners, such as "Not only tough on crime, but tough on the causes of crime", "Education, education, education", etc, etc, etc. Note: These slogans are "used" only in the sense that they have been widely uttered. None is out of date in the sense that they have been accomplished.

* A selection of titles, peerages etc, all available in return for donations to party funds. Possession of a peerage entitles holder to sit on many committees, get reservations at restaurants, get access to 10 Downing Street (see "Lord" Birt ) etc.

* The Third Way. This monumental structure is recognised as one of the most imposing art installations of modern times. It was created by the Prime Minister some years ago and has been zealously guarded by English Heritage ever since until such time as its meaning can be determined. The purchaser of this item will be in possession of something quite unique.

* Several sets of diaries, currently being written by recent members of the Cabinet such as David Blunkett, etc. These are certain to prove immensely lucrative and to be a fine investment.

* Now on the market again, John ("Lord") Birt. A super-butler sans pareil, Birt has been in charge of security and domestic arrangements at 10 Downing Street for the last five years. Comes with many references. ("We never ran out of toilet paper" - Cherie Blair. "Always there with pens and pencils when you wanted them" - PM. "Uncanny resemblance to Alistair Darling, which has been very useful on some occasions, though mostly just rather disquieting!" - Jonathan Powell.) Birt is always anxious to please, and generally works without payment.

* Peace Process, as used in Northern Ireland. £10 for cash.

* Fifty million identity cards. All blank and not used. Would suit any company with up to 50 million employees.

* Millennium Dome. Situated in or near Central London. Ready for immediate occupation. Only one of its kind. Would suit person desperately in need of huge marquee. Or maybe Lord Coe might be interested in some Olympic application of site. All suggestions welcome.

* Six month presidency of EU, just expired. Hardly used. As new.

* Direct line to Rupert Murdoch. Only works one way. He can ring you and tell you what's to be done, but doesn't work the other way round. Ideal for those who don't know what to do unless Rupert Murdoch is telling them.

* Blair babes. Mixed bag. Used to be babes but are now beldams. Reduced to clear.

* Premier's wife available for after dinner speeches, keynote conference speeches etc. Go anywhere for right money. Subjects include "Wives of Past Prime Ministers and their Recipes", "Staying With Cliff Richard", "What Kind of Furniture Mr Berlusconi has in his Holiday House" etc, etc, etc. Subjects avoided include "Me and My Husband", "Me and My Family", "Me and My Personal Advisers", "Me and My Money", etc, etc, etc.

* Full list on request