Miles Kington: Four extremely silly stories: but which one is true?

'When male actors have to perform in the nude, it is disastrous if they, um, rise to the occasion. A small pill, Niagra, guarantees a period of inactivity'

Share
Related Topics

It's the approach of the silly season again, that time of the year when news is so short that journalists are reduced to fabricating entire news stories. But do you think you could tell the difference between a real story and an invented one? Well, this is your chance to find out. I am bringing you a handful of news stories today, of which only one has appeared in the press. The rest have been made up as part of their course by young people doing a media studies degree. But can you spot the genuine one? Here we go!

1. It is well known that American hunters will pay a great deal of money to travel to Africa, go on illicit safaris and get to shoot protected species on the quiet, so much so that several species have become more endangered than they ever were.

A new and terrible trend has emerged from what was already a sinister development. If you have enough money, you can now buy the chance to eliminate a species altogether.

"It's true," admitted Rudi van Bronkhof, a South African operator who is in charge of it. "When we find that there are only one or two examples of one species left, we find there are plenty of Americans who will pay crazy money to be the last person in history to shoot it. At the moment we are down to the last four examples of Inkermann's impala. By the end of the month there will be none left."

But surely Inkermann's impala is actually quite common? Don't most zoos in the world have a few at least?

"Well, maybe," winks Van Bronkhof, "but for heaven's sake, don't tell my clients that."

2. Dr Otto Zubrik of Split University has invented something which he claims works in the opposite way to Viagra.

"Many men think that the most important thing in the world is to increase their manhood, their potency, their sexual powers, whatever you call it, and for them I am sure it is true. But there are other people for whom it is very important at certain times to resist excitement. I am thinking of athletes and other people whose kit leaves little to the imagination. Especially when male actors have to perform in the nude, it can ruin their performance disastrously if they, um, rise to the occasion, as it were. Now I have perfected a small pill which guarantees several hours of non-activity."

He is calling his product Niagra, as it makes everything go down.

3. AA Gill, the renowned acerbic restaurant critic, is being sued. Not, as it happens, by a restaurant, but by a man who is his lookalike double, Milton Carew.

"Looking like Gill has absolutely ruined my social life," says Carew. "I cannot go into a restaurant these days without being asked to leave immediately.

"Apparently they have a rogues' gallery of food critics pinned up in all the best kitchens these days, and as soon as one of them is recognised they are chucked out. Fair enough, but I don't see why I should be chucked out as well.

"I point out indignantly that my name is not Gill at all, but that cuts no ice; apparently most restaurant critics book under a false name anyway."

When told of the misery accidentally caused by him, Gill only shrugged and said: "Let him sue. Better still, let him grow a moustache."

4. It was, said Dutch police, the most original excuse they had ever encountered for speeding. When they stopped a Dutch driver doing twice the permitted speed in a 35mph zone, he claimed that he had just washed his car and was trying to get it dry. "Actually," said the stolid Dutch police, "if you want to dry your car, it is very effective to drive at the legal 35mph as well. Also, it is quite effective just to leave it parked in the open."

Well, have you made your selection? Which one had the ring of truth to you? Very good! It was the Dutch driver. And before you write in and say it sounds untrue, I didn't actually say it was true. I just said it had appeared in the papers.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Senior IP Opportunity at Major Firm

vary Attractive Salary: Austen Lloyd: MANCHESTER - AN OPENING AT A VERY HIGH Q...

Nursery Manager

£100 - £110 per day: Randstad Education Ilford: Nursery Manager Long term Ran...

Sales Consultant – Permanent – West Sussex – £24-£25k plus commission and other benefits

£24000 - £25000 Per Annum plus company car and commission: Clearwater People S...

SEN Teaching Assistant

£45 - £65 per day: Randstad Education Bristol: Supply SEN Support Jobs in Bris...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The Liberal Democrats leader says efforts need to be focused on cracking down on the criminal gangs  

Nick Clegg: We should to go to war on drugs, not on addicts

Nick Clegg
East German border guards stand on a section of the Berlin wall in front of the Brandenburg gate on November 11, 1989  

Twenty-five years after the Berlin Wall fell, Hungary’s PM thinks it is Western capitalism that is in its death throes

Peter Popham
The drugs revolution starts now as MPs agree its high time for change

The drugs revolution starts now as MPs agree its high time for change

Commons debate highlights growing cross-party consensus on softening UK drugs legislation, unchanged for 43 years
The camera is turned on tabloid editors in Richard Peppiatt's 'One Rogue Reporter'

Gotcha! The camera is turned on tabloid editors

Hugh Grant says Richard Peppiatt's 'One Rogue Reporter' documentary will highlight issues raised by Leveson
Fall of the Berlin Wall: It was thanks to Mikhail Gorbachev that this symbol of division fell

Fall of the Berlin Wall

It was thanks to Gorbachev that this symbol of division fell
Halloween 2014: What makes Ouija boards, demon dolls, and evil clowns so frightening?

What makes ouija boards and demon dolls scary?

Ouija boards, demon dolls, evil children and clowns are all classic tropes of horror, and this year’s Halloween releases feature them all. What makes them so frightening, decade after decade?
A safari in modern Britain: Rose Rouse reveals how her four-year tour of Harlesden taught her as much about the UK as it did about NW10

Rose Rouse's safari in modern Britain

Rouse decided to walk and talk with as many different people as possible in her neighbourhood of Harlesden and her experiences have been published in a new book
Welcome to my world of no smell and odd tastes: How a bike accident left one woman living with unwanted food mash-ups

'My world of no smell and odd tastes'

A head injury from a bicycle accident had the surprising effect of robbing Nell Frizzell of two of her senses

Matt Parker is proud of his square roots

The "stand-up mathematician" is using comedy nights to preach maths to big audiences
Paul Scholes column: Beating Manchester City is vital part of life at Manchester United. This is first major test for Luke Shaw, Angel Di Maria and Radamel Falcao – it’s not a game to lose

Paul Scholes column

Beating City is vital part of life at United. This is first major test for Shaw, Di Maria and Falcao – it’s not a game to lose
Frank Warren: Call me an old git, but I just can't see that there's a place for women’s boxing

Frank Warren column

Call me an old git, but I just can't see that there's a place for women’s boxing
Adrian Heath interview: Former Everton striker prepares his Orlando City side for the MLS - and having Kaka in the dressing room

Adrian Heath's American dream...

Former Everton striker prepares his Orlando City side for the MLS - and having Kaka in the dressing room
Simon Hart: Manchester City will rise again but they need to change their attitude

Manchester City will rise again but they need to change their attitude

Manuel Pellegrini’s side are too good to fail and derby allows them to start again, says Simon Hart
Isis in Syria: A general reveals the lack of communication with the US - and his country's awkward relationship with their allies-by-default

A Syrian general speaks

A senior officer of Bashar al-Assad’s regime talks to Robert Fisk about his army’s brutal struggle with Isis, in a dirty war whose challenges include widespread atrocities
‘A bit of a shock...’ Cambridge economist with Glasgow roots becomes Zambia’s acting President

‘A bit of a shock...’ Economist with Glasgow roots becomes Zambia’s acting President

Guy Scott's predecessor, Michael Sata, died in a London hospital this week after a lengthy illness
Fall of the Berlin Wall: History catches up with Erich Honecker - the East German leader who praised the Iron Curtain and claimed it prevented a Third World War

Fall of the Berlin Wall

History catches up with Erich Honecker - the East German leader who praised the Iron Curtain and claimed it prevented a Third World War
How to turn your mobile phone into easy money

Turn your mobile phone into easy money

There are 90 million unused mobiles in the UK, which would be worth £7bn if we cashed them in, says David Crookes