Miles Kington: Gold, frankincense and murderous video games

You are on a mission to find the king of the world who will save us all. The evil Herod is out to kill you
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The Independent Online

Have you noticed when going through those Christmas gift catalogues that there is nothing very Christmassy about the presents on offer? Do iPods, electric barbecues and Jacuzzis say "Jesus's birthday" to you?

No, of course not. That is why I am proud to bring you a completely different kind of Christmas catalogue. Today's mouth-watering Christmas gift bazaar offerings are all guaranteed to be in the true Christmas spirit, based on textual research into historic Christmas documents.

Genuine stainless steel all-purpose manger

Authentic ox-and-ass type manger, as used for time immemorial in stables and barns. Now adapted in three different colours for many household uses such as hanging laundry, dispensing party nibbles, displaying pot plants etc. Also a useful place to put your dog. £175 complete.

St Agnes' Fountain

Authentic replica of the fabled fountain underneath the forest fence, up against the mountain. Can be used to dispense olive oil, liquid soap, vinegar, etc. £35.

Bible Monopoly

The first Authorised version of Monopoly. You can buy the inn in which there is no room, and decide whether to let that pregnant woman sleep in the stable. You can acquire the franchise for weddings at Cana. You can control the destiny of the upstairs room rented out for Passover suppers, and so much more. And in this game, you don't go to jail - you die, and await resurrection! £17.99

Holly and ivy grow-yourself set

At a time when the importance of tree replanting is becoming ever more apparent, this is a crucial present for anyone with a garden. "Of all the trees that are in the wood," says a dendrologist, "the holly and the ivy, when they are both full-grown, I think it is the holly that takes the crown, but the ivy is not far behind."

"Of course," says another arboriculturalist, "technically the ivy is not a tree at all, but at least you can get the ivy to grow up the holly." Seedlings, pots and small tools: £45 the set.

Schott's Pentateuch

More stuff about the Old Testament than you could ever wish to know. £19.99

French hens

Genuine capons and poulets, expertly cooked in our own kitchens and stuffed with gold rings, calling birds etc etc. Wonderful cold standby for Boxing Day etc. From £80 per five.

Flesh and Wine Cookbook

All your favourite Christmas recipes in one handy reference work! We're not talking turkey and trimmings here. We're talking real Bible dishes, from mess of pottage and locusts and honey, to fatted calf and Passover supper. £19.99

Schott's Apocrypha

More stuff about the beginnings of the New Testament than you could ever wish to know. £19.99

Myrrh and frankincense set in gold pot

Myrrh is one of the mystery essences of the East. What does it do? What is it for? Is it for cooking or for putting behind your ears? And can that really be the way to spell it? Similarly with frankincense. Is that just another way of writing French incense? And why on earth did they give them to the baby Jesus? Have fun finding out with this generous myrrh'n' frankincense set in a genuine gold pot. Only £120.

Schott's Gospel

More trivia about the Passion than you could ever wish to know. £19.99, or all three for £29.99.

We Three Kings video game

In this action-packed battle game, you are one of three kings on a mission to find the king of the world, who will save us all. But there are problems. You have only a wandering star to tell you where he is. The evil Herod is out to kill you. You don't know if you can trust the other two kings. All the shepherds you meet seem to be extremely stupid. And when you finally find the king of the world, he turns out to be a new-born babe. And if you don't tell Herod his whereabouts, Herod is going to kill every baby in the place. Can you get the baby to Egypt and safety? Believe us, this may be the toughest video game ever devised! £77.99

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