Miles Kington: More predictions from Old Mother Kington's Almanack

A new West End musical is entitled Heathrow!. There is chaos on opening night, as the audience is searched for shampoos, gels and pointy things
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The Independent Online

Yesterday I brought you predictions from Old Mother Kington's Almanack for the first half of 2007. I then foretold that today I would bring you predictions for the second half. Here they are!

JULY

The West End's domination by musicals continues with the relaunching of The Mousetrap as a musical.

School holidays brings chaos to Heathrow. "It happens every year about now," said a spokesman. "It always takes us by surprise."

The British Government passes a new law making it illegal to prosecute ex-prime ministers for war crimes. Not that he will be moving out just yet, says Blair.

It becomes illegal to smoke in a workplace in England. Due to careless phrased legislation, a herring smokery in Grimsby is prosecuted for allowing smoking to take place on the premises.

AUGUST

Bedlam at Heathrow, caused by lots of planes flying in, and lots of people getting off the planes and milling around. "It's what we do best," says a spokesman.

Big Brother is launched in the West End as a stage musical. The idea is that a member of the cast will be voted off every fortnight.

A landfill site in East Anglia is found to have been completely filled with unsold copies of The Blunkett Tapes.

Ukraine becomes the 26th country to join the EU.

SEPTEMBER

Ukrainian plumbers pour into Poland, from where all native plumbers went to Britain years ago.

Gibraltar joins the EU.

Reminded that he had promised that the 2006 Labour Party Conference would be his last, Tony Blair announces the cancelling of the Labour Party Conference, "in the interests of national security".

Asked how a Labour Conference could possibly endanger British security, he says: "By making Gordon Brown Prime Minister". President Bush, coming to the end of his four-year term in office, shows little sign of winding up proceedings. It turns out he thought he had another year to run.

OCTOBER

A warehouse at Heathrow is found to contain 40,000 copies of The Blunkett Tapes. Chaos.

Andrew Lloyd Webber announces he is going to turn The Blunkett Tapes into a musical, and that he will audition dogs for the part of his guide dog on TV.

Kazahkstan joins the EU. Kazahkstani plumbers pour into the Ukraine.

Tony Blair locks himself into 10 Downing Street and refuses to leave.

NOVEMBER

Mild headwinds bring chaos to Heathrow. Thousands of people are trapped overnight. Several fall very ill. "There is an airport superbug going round," confesses a spokesman.

The Downing Street siege goes on. Tony Blair is offered free passage to anywhere in the world. Pictures of available celebrity villas are passed in for him to study.

Plumbing crisis in Gibraltar.

DECEMBER

A new West End musical is entitled simply Heathrow!. There is chaos on opening night, as the audience is searched for shampoos, gels and pointy things. "We should have seen this coming," says a spokesman, "but hey ho, there you go."

Tony Blair is lured out of 10 Downing Street by a large publishing contract. On Gordon Brown's orders, he is arrested and put on trial for war crimes.

Tony Blair says in that case he is ordering Gordon Brown's arrest.

Troops loyal to Blair occupy Terminals 1 and 2, while pro-Brown troops take over Terminals 3 and 4. There is Christmas chaos at Heathrow. A spokesman says: "O little town of Bethlehem, we won't fly there today!". Sales begin.

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