Miles Kington Remembered: The Lord thy God is a little liable to fly off the handle

15 July 2003

Share
Related Topics

It's about time we paid another visit to the United Deities, the celestial gathering of gods which monitors humans. Here are the minutes of part of their most recent meeting.

1. The chairgod said that, as usual, he would kick off the proceedings by inquiring if there had been any sign of a rapprochement between the Jewish and Christian gods.

2. The Jewish god said: Why should he and the Christian god be singled out for this constant interrogation? If gods had privacy laws, and sometimes he thought it would be a good idea, wouldn't this constitute an invasion of privacy? Why not go ask the Hindu gods and Buddha if they have a merger plan?

3. The chairgod asked if any Hindu god would like to comment on a merger with Buddhism.

4. The Jewish god said that wasn't what he meant and the chairgod knew it. He was not by nature an angry god, but if he were, this would be a good time to let off steam.

5. The Christian god said that he seemed to remember in the Old Testament there was a bit about "The Lord thy god is an angry god", or maybe it was "wrathful" or "vengeful" – anyway, the Old Testament gave the plain impression that Jehovah was liable to fly off the handle.

6. The Jewish god said, well, so what if he was.

7. The Christian god said he had just said he wasn't an angry god, but maybe he was, and a little self-knowledge was a good thing for a god to practise.

8. The Jewish god said he knew when someone was trying to wind him up.

9. A Mayan deity said he had always got the impression that the Jewish religion was all in favour of tolerance and acceptance and wryness and a resigned shrug of the shoulders, and that rabbis even told funny stories.

10. The Jewish god said this was very true, and it reminded him of a Jewish tailor getting married who found he didn't have enough material to make himself a wedding suit, so he went to the rabbi...

11. The Christian god said they all knew this story already, and could they please move on?

12. There was no point being jealous, said the Jewish god. Jewish stories were famous for being clever, philosophical and funny. What were Christian stories famous for? Was there even such a thing? When someone said, "I heard a good Christian story the other day", could it mean anything? Unless it was about the Pope, of course.

13. The chairgod said he was sorry he had ever brought up the topic of a Jewish-Christian merger, and he would never do it again, unless it was a very dull meeting.

14. He would now like to move on to the next item on the agenda, the appointment of gay bishops in the Church of England. Did anyone have anything to say?

15. An unidentified Greek god said that as all ancient Greek philosophers had been gay, he didn't see what the fuss was about.

16. The Anglican god said he would try to explain the situation.

17. Hold on, hold on, said the Egyptian god Thoth. He could never make out how many Christian gods there were. They had just heard from someone called the Christian god. Now they had an Anglican god. He had also encountered the Catholic god, a Methodist god, a Christian Revivalist god and a Christian Science god. How many gods could there be in a monotheistic religion, for Pete's sake? It was like the UK having four different national football teams.

18. As many as you like, said the chairgod. It had been agreed years ago that it was unfair on monotheistic beliefs if they were limited to one god, as they were then at a disadvantage to beliefs with a huge cast of characters such as Hinduism, North American native beliefs, the old Greek gods and so on. Therefore Christianity was allowed to have sectional gods to represent aspects of Christian belief.

19. The Jewish god said that he was quite happy to soldier on alone in defence of Jewish beliefs.

20. Not necessary, came a voice which turned out to belong to a Liberal, Reformed Jewish god. He would be happy to represent forward-looking Jewish opinion.

21. Oy vey, said the Jewish god. Now we have trouble. Maybe he would merge with Christianity at that. Anything to get away from advanced Jewish opinion.

22. The chairgod said perhaps they would move on to the next item on the agenda, which was blasphemy, in the light of the man who had just been sentenced to life imprisonment in Pakistan.

More of this some other time.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Telesales Executive - OTE £25,000

£13000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Would you like to be part of a ...

Recruitment Genius: 1st Line Technical Support Engineer

£19000 - £23000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This IT and Telecoms company ar...

Recruitment Genius: Assistant Manager - Visitor Fundraising

£23000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The Visitor Fundraising Team is responsi...

Recruitment Genius: Developer

£30000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an opportunity to join ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
An investor looks at an electronic board showing stock information at a brokerage house in Shanghai  

China has exposed the fatal flaws in our liberal economic order

Ann Pettifor
Jeremy Corbyn addresses over a thousand supporters at Middlesbrough Town Hall on August 18, 2015  

Thank God we have the right-wing press to tell us what a disaster Jeremy Corbyn as PM would be

Mark Steel
The Silk Roads that trace civilisation: Long before the West rose to power, Asian pathways were connecting peoples and places

The Silk Roads that trace civilisation

Long before the West rose to power, Asian pathways were connecting peoples and places
House of Lords: Outcry as donors, fixers and MPs caught up in expenses scandal are ennobled

The honours that shame Britain

Outcry as donors, fixers and MPs caught up in expenses scandal are ennobled
When it comes to street harassment, we need to talk about race

'When it comes to street harassment, we need to talk about race'

Why are black men living the stereotypes and why are we letting them get away with it?
International Tap Festival: Forget Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers - this dancing is improvised, spontaneous and rhythmic

International Tap Festival comes to the UK

Forget Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers - this dancing is improvised, spontaneous and rhythmic
War with Isis: Is Turkey's buffer zone in Syria a matter of self-defence – or just anti-Kurd?

Turkey's buffer zone in Syria: self-defence – or just anti-Kurd?

Ankara accused of exacerbating racial division by allowing Turkmen minority to cross the border
Doris Lessing: Acclaimed novelist was kept under MI5 observation for 18 years, newly released papers show

'A subversive brothel keeper and Communist'

Acclaimed novelist Doris Lessing was kept under MI5 observation for 18 years, newly released papers show
Big Blue Live: BBC's Springwatch offshoot swaps back gardens for California's Monterey Bay

BBC heads to the Californian coast

The Big Blue Live crew is preparing for the first of three episodes on Sunday night, filming from boats, planes and an aquarium studio
Austin Bidwell: The Victorian fraudster who shook the Bank of England with the most daring forgery the world had known

Victorian fraudster who shook the Bank of England

Conman Austin Bidwell. was a heartless cad who carried out the most daring forgery the world had known
Car hacking scandal: Security designed to stop thieves hot-wiring almost every modern motor has been cracked

Car hacking scandal

Security designed to stop thieves hot-wiring almost every modern motor has been cracked
10 best placemats

Take your seat: 10 best placemats

Protect your table and dine in style with a bold new accessory
Ashes 2015: Alastair Cook not the only one to be caught in The Oval mindwarp

Cook not the only one to be caught in The Oval mindwarp

Aussie skipper Michael Clarke was lured into believing that what we witnessed at Edgbaston and Trent Bridge would continue in London, says Kevin Garside
Can Rafael Benitez get the best out of Gareth Bale at Real Madrid?

Can Benitez get the best out of Bale?

Back at the club he watched as a boy, the pressure is on Benitez to find a winning blend from Real's multiple talents. As La Liga begins, Pete Jenson asks if it will be enough to stop Barcelona
Athletics World Championships 2015: Beijing witnesses new stage in the Jessica Ennis-Hill and Katarina Johnson-Thompson heptathlon rivalry

Beijing witnesses new stage in the Jess and Kat rivalry

The last time the two British heptathletes competed, Ennis-Hill was on the way to Olympic gold and Johnson-Thompson was just a promising teenager. But a lot has happened in the following three years
Jeremy Corbyn: Joining a shrewd operator desperate for power as he visits the North East

Jeremy Corbyn interview: A shrewd operator desperate for power

His radical anti-austerity agenda has caught the imagination of the left and politically disaffected and set a staid Labour leadership election alight
Isis executes Palmyra antiquities chief: Defender of ancient city's past was killed for protecting its future

Isis executes Palmyra antiquities chief

Robert Fisk on the defender of the ancient city's past who was killed for protecting its future