Miles Kington: Take my advice, get a good lawyer - or bookie

Take the phrase, 'This is no time for lawyer talk'. This is meaningless. It is ALWAYS time for lawyer talk

Related Topics

A new set of documents has come to light which may rock the last week of the election campaign. They seem to show that Tony Blair knew about the Iraq War before it happened.

And, more controversially, that he quietly put a sizeable bet on the Americans to win, thus profiting from secret knowledge to make a fortune. An astounding claim? Then just read these communications to and from Downing Street which have come into my possession via channels which I cannot reveal.

The first is a top-secret message from President Bush to Mr Blair, reading as follows: "The hot news is that we're going into Iraq all guns blazing, and you're going to be there alongside us, little buddy boy, because if you're not, we'll be all by ourselves, and then we won't be able to call it a grand coalition.

"I reckon you know the consequences if the British aren't there, Tony, and I do mean what you think I'm meaning. Yes, your little secret. So be ready and be waiting."

Experts who have seen this message testify that it bears all the hallmarks of President Bush's style in that it sounds all fired up and ready to go. There is no mention of the United Nations or the international community and no admission that it's all really about oil, which is also very much Bush's style.

What Blair's "little secret" is, remains a matter for conjecture. (That's not true, of course. Everyone in the media and Fleet Street seems to know what it is, but nobody dares mention it and I can't afford to let on that I haven't the faintest idea what it is.)

The reply from Blair to Bush is also thought to be authentic. It reads: "Yes, sir!"

Experts who have seen this reply testify that both words in the message bear the unmistakable hallmarks of a Blair message to America.

Next comes a message which apparently emanates from Downing Street to the Attorney General, Lord Goldsmith, seeking legal justification for an attack on Iraq.

It reads as follows. "Listen, Goldilocks, I need immediate action on a decision to invade Iraq. Just send me a memo saying that it's quite legal to do so. Nothing elaborate."

I have not been able to trace Goldsmith's reply, but we can deduce what it says from Blair's next message. "Knock it off, Guildenstern! This is no time for lawyer talk so don't give me the caveats and cautions! Just give me the go-ahead or I'll have your guts for garters!"

A legal expert says: "I find this message very puzzling. Take the phrase 'This is no time for lawyer talk', for instance. This is meaningless. It is ALWAYS time for lawyer talk. What other kind really matters? To put it another way, how else are we going to earn our whack? That will be £400, please. Thank you."

The next document in the series comes from Downing Street to Goldsmith again and is as follows: "Well, thank YOU, Goldfinger, for the blank cheque permission to invade Iraq, and about bloody time, too. One more thing, though. Could you look into the legal status of placing a massive bet on the outcome of a war, if the party placing the bet is also one of the participants in the war?

"Gordon says that we are approaching meltdown in our trade deficit, and that if we don't do something drastic soon, we're in big trouble. His backroom boys suggest doing spread bets on the outcome of the Iraq War.

"They seem to know what they're talking about. The odds won't be very good, but if the wagers are big enough, we should make a killing, if you pardon the expression.

"Let me know pronto. And I mean pronto, Goldenrod..."

Miles Kington writes: "I am sorry. I have just discovered that all these documents are fakes issued by Conservative Central Office. Please ignore them."

A legal expert writes: "In my opinion, Mr Kington's apology is far too late and far too grudging. I believe he has laid himself open to an enormous libel suit. I, personally, would be very happy to represent anyone who wishes to take him to the cleaners. Just get in touch..."

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Senior Digital Marketing Consultant

£28000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Senior Digital Marketing Cons...

Recruitment Genius: Assistant Stores Keeper

£16640 - £18500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An Assistant Stores Keeper is r...

Recruitment Genius: Claims Administrator

£16000 - £18500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an excellent opportunit...

Recruitment Genius: Software Developer - C# / ASP.NET / SQL

£17000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Developer required to join a bu...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Mosul falls: Talk of Iraq retaking the town, held by IS since June, is unconvincing  

Isis on the run? The US portrayal is very far from the truth

Patrick Cockburn
If Miliband is PM, it is expected that Cameron will stand down as party leader quickly  

General Election 2015: With more options to form a government, Miliband should win this campaign

Jane Merrick
'It was first time I had ever tasted chocolate. I kept a piece, and when Amsterdam was liberated, I gave it to the first Allied soldier I saw'

Bread from heaven

Dutch survivors thank RAF for World War II drop that saved millions
Britain will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power - Labour

How 'the Axe' helped Labour

UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power
Rare and exclusive video shows the horrific price paid by activists for challenging the rule of jihadist extremists in Syria

The price to be paid for challenging the rule of extremists

A revolution now 'consuming its own children'
Welcome to the world of Megagames

Welcome to the world of Megagames

300 players take part in Watch the Skies! board game in London
'Nymphomaniac' actress reveals what it was really like to star in one of the most explicit films ever

Charlotte Gainsbourg on 'Nymphomaniac'

Starring in one of the most explicit films ever
Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi: The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers

Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi

The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers
Vince Cable interview: Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'

Vince Cable exclusive interview

Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'
Iwan Rheon interview: Game of Thrones star returns to his Welsh roots to record debut album

Iwan Rheon is returning to his Welsh roots

Rheon is best known for his role as the Bastard of Bolton. It's gruelling playing a sadistic torturer, he tells Craig McLean, but it hasn't stopped him recording an album of Welsh psychedelia
Russell Brand's interview with Ed Miliband has got everyone talking about The Trews

Everyone is talking about The Trews

Russell Brand's 'true news' videos attract millions of viewers. But today's 'Milibrand' interview introduced his resolutely amateurish style to a whole new crowd
Morne Hardenberg interview: Cameraman for BBC's upcoming show Shark on filming the ocean's most dangerous predator

It's time for my close-up

Meet the man who films great whites for a living
Increasing numbers of homeless people in America keep their mobile phones on the streets

Homeless people keep mobile phones

A homeless person with a smartphone is a common sight in the US. And that's creating a network where the 'hobo' community can share information - and fight stigma - like never before
'Queer saint' Peter Watson left his mark on British culture by bankrolling artworld giants

'Queer saint' who bankrolled artworld giants

British culture owes a huge debt to Peter Watson, says Michael Prodger
Pushkin Prizes: Unusual exchange programme aims to bring countries together through culture

Pushkin Prizes brings countries together

Ten Scottish schoolchildren and their Russian peers attended a creative writing workshop in the Highlands this week
14 best kids' hoodies

14 best kids' hoodies

Don't get caught out by that wind on the beach. Zip them up in a lightweight top to see them through summer to autumn
Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi: The acceptable face of the Emirates

The acceptable face of the Emirates

Has Abu Dhabi found a way to blend petrodollars with principles, asks Robert Fisk