Miles Kington: Take my advice, get a good lawyer - or bookie

Take the phrase, 'This is no time for lawyer talk'. This is meaningless. It is ALWAYS time for lawyer talk

Share
Related Topics

A new set of documents has come to light which may rock the last week of the election campaign. They seem to show that Tony Blair knew about the Iraq War before it happened.

And, more controversially, that he quietly put a sizeable bet on the Americans to win, thus profiting from secret knowledge to make a fortune. An astounding claim? Then just read these communications to and from Downing Street which have come into my possession via channels which I cannot reveal.

The first is a top-secret message from President Bush to Mr Blair, reading as follows: "The hot news is that we're going into Iraq all guns blazing, and you're going to be there alongside us, little buddy boy, because if you're not, we'll be all by ourselves, and then we won't be able to call it a grand coalition.

"I reckon you know the consequences if the British aren't there, Tony, and I do mean what you think I'm meaning. Yes, your little secret. So be ready and be waiting."

Experts who have seen this message testify that it bears all the hallmarks of President Bush's style in that it sounds all fired up and ready to go. There is no mention of the United Nations or the international community and no admission that it's all really about oil, which is also very much Bush's style.

What Blair's "little secret" is, remains a matter for conjecture. (That's not true, of course. Everyone in the media and Fleet Street seems to know what it is, but nobody dares mention it and I can't afford to let on that I haven't the faintest idea what it is.)

The reply from Blair to Bush is also thought to be authentic. It reads: "Yes, sir!"

Experts who have seen this reply testify that both words in the message bear the unmistakable hallmarks of a Blair message to America.

Next comes a message which apparently emanates from Downing Street to the Attorney General, Lord Goldsmith, seeking legal justification for an attack on Iraq.

It reads as follows. "Listen, Goldilocks, I need immediate action on a decision to invade Iraq. Just send me a memo saying that it's quite legal to do so. Nothing elaborate."

I have not been able to trace Goldsmith's reply, but we can deduce what it says from Blair's next message. "Knock it off, Guildenstern! This is no time for lawyer talk so don't give me the caveats and cautions! Just give me the go-ahead or I'll have your guts for garters!"

A legal expert says: "I find this message very puzzling. Take the phrase 'This is no time for lawyer talk', for instance. This is meaningless. It is ALWAYS time for lawyer talk. What other kind really matters? To put it another way, how else are we going to earn our whack? That will be £400, please. Thank you."

The next document in the series comes from Downing Street to Goldsmith again and is as follows: "Well, thank YOU, Goldfinger, for the blank cheque permission to invade Iraq, and about bloody time, too. One more thing, though. Could you look into the legal status of placing a massive bet on the outcome of a war, if the party placing the bet is also one of the participants in the war?

"Gordon says that we are approaching meltdown in our trade deficit, and that if we don't do something drastic soon, we're in big trouble. His backroom boys suggest doing spread bets on the outcome of the Iraq War.

"They seem to know what they're talking about. The odds won't be very good, but if the wagers are big enough, we should make a killing, if you pardon the expression.

"Let me know pronto. And I mean pronto, Goldenrod..."

Miles Kington writes: "I am sorry. I have just discovered that all these documents are fakes issued by Conservative Central Office. Please ignore them."

A legal expert writes: "In my opinion, Mr Kington's apology is far too late and far too grudging. I believe he has laid himself open to an enormous libel suit. I, personally, would be very happy to represent anyone who wishes to take him to the cleaners. Just get in touch..."

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Customer Account Manager

£27000 - £33000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This fast growing cloud based I...

Ashdown Group: Product Marketing Manager - Software & Services

£35000 - £45000 per annum + Benefits: Ashdown Group: Product Marketing Manager...

Recruitment Genius: Exhibition Sales Executive - OTE £35,000

£16000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An expanding B2B exhibition and...

Recruitment Genius: QA Technician

£16000 - £18000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This leading manufacturer of re...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Jamie Dornan as Christian Grey in Fifty Shades of Grey, who has its world premiere at the Berlin Film Festival  

FAO Jamie Dornan: For a woman, being followed is not 'exciting' — it's humiliating and all too familiar

Mollie Goodfellow
By pretending to be a man, Mulan was able to join the army, defeat the Huns, and save China  

Disney is making a live-action Mulan? Well, that's one way to ruin the best film they've ever done

Helen Pye
General Election 2015: The masterminds behind the scenes

The masterminds behind the election

How do you get your party leader to embrace a message and then stick to it? By employing these people
Machine Gun America: The amusement park where teenagers go to shoot a huge range of automatic weapons

Machine Gun America

The amusement park where teenagers go to shoot a huge range of automatic weapons
The ethics of pet food: Why are we are so selective in how we show animals our love?

The ethics of pet food

Why are we are so selective in how we show animals our love?
How Tansy Davies turned 9/11 into her opera 'Between Worlds'

How a composer turned 9/11 into her opera 'Between Worlds'

Tansy Davies makes her operatic debut with a work about the attack on the Twin Towers. Despite the topic, she says it is a life-affirming piece
11 best bedside tables

11 best bedside tables

It could be the first thing you see in the morning, so make it work for you. We find night stands, tables and cabinets to wake up to
Italy vs England player ratings: Did Andros Townsend's goal see him beat Harry Kane and Wayne Rooney to top marks?

Italy vs England player ratings

Did Townsend's goal see him beat Kane and Rooney to top marks?
Danny Higginbotham: An underdog's tale of making the most of it

An underdog's tale of making the most of it

Danny Higginbotham on being let go by Manchester United, annoying Gordon Strachan, utilising his talents to the full at Stoke and plunging into the world of analysis
Audley Harrison's abusers forget the debt he's due, but Errol Christie will always remember what he owes the police

Steve Bunce: Inside Boxing

Audley Harrison's abusers forget the debt he's due, but Errol Christie will always remember what he owes the police
No postcode? No vote

Floating voters

How living on a houseboat meant I didn't officially 'exist'
Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin

By Reason of Insanity

Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin
Power dressing is back – but no shoulderpads!

Power dressing is back

But banish all thoughts of Eighties shoulderpads
Spanish stone-age cave paintings 'under threat' after being re-opened to the public

Spanish stone-age cave paintings in Altamira 'under threat'

Caves were re-opened to the public
'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'

Vince Cable interview

'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'
Election 2015: How many of the Government's coalition agreement promises have been kept?

Promises, promises

But how many coalition agreement pledges have been kept?
The Gaza fisherman who built his own reef - and was shot dead there by an Israeli gunboat

The death of a Gaza fisherman

He built his own reef, and was fatally shot there by an Israeli gunboat