Miles Kington: Take my advice, get a good lawyer - or bookie

Take the phrase, 'This is no time for lawyer talk'. This is meaningless. It is ALWAYS time for lawyer talk

Share
Related Topics

A new set of documents has come to light which may rock the last week of the election campaign. They seem to show that Tony Blair knew about the Iraq War before it happened.

And, more controversially, that he quietly put a sizeable bet on the Americans to win, thus profiting from secret knowledge to make a fortune. An astounding claim? Then just read these communications to and from Downing Street which have come into my possession via channels which I cannot reveal.

The first is a top-secret message from President Bush to Mr Blair, reading as follows: "The hot news is that we're going into Iraq all guns blazing, and you're going to be there alongside us, little buddy boy, because if you're not, we'll be all by ourselves, and then we won't be able to call it a grand coalition.

"I reckon you know the consequences if the British aren't there, Tony, and I do mean what you think I'm meaning. Yes, your little secret. So be ready and be waiting."

Experts who have seen this message testify that it bears all the hallmarks of President Bush's style in that it sounds all fired up and ready to go. There is no mention of the United Nations or the international community and no admission that it's all really about oil, which is also very much Bush's style.

What Blair's "little secret" is, remains a matter for conjecture. (That's not true, of course. Everyone in the media and Fleet Street seems to know what it is, but nobody dares mention it and I can't afford to let on that I haven't the faintest idea what it is.)

The reply from Blair to Bush is also thought to be authentic. It reads: "Yes, sir!"

Experts who have seen this reply testify that both words in the message bear the unmistakable hallmarks of a Blair message to America.

Next comes a message which apparently emanates from Downing Street to the Attorney General, Lord Goldsmith, seeking legal justification for an attack on Iraq.

It reads as follows. "Listen, Goldilocks, I need immediate action on a decision to invade Iraq. Just send me a memo saying that it's quite legal to do so. Nothing elaborate."

I have not been able to trace Goldsmith's reply, but we can deduce what it says from Blair's next message. "Knock it off, Guildenstern! This is no time for lawyer talk so don't give me the caveats and cautions! Just give me the go-ahead or I'll have your guts for garters!"

A legal expert says: "I find this message very puzzling. Take the phrase 'This is no time for lawyer talk', for instance. This is meaningless. It is ALWAYS time for lawyer talk. What other kind really matters? To put it another way, how else are we going to earn our whack? That will be £400, please. Thank you."

The next document in the series comes from Downing Street to Goldsmith again and is as follows: "Well, thank YOU, Goldfinger, for the blank cheque permission to invade Iraq, and about bloody time, too. One more thing, though. Could you look into the legal status of placing a massive bet on the outcome of a war, if the party placing the bet is also one of the participants in the war?

"Gordon says that we are approaching meltdown in our trade deficit, and that if we don't do something drastic soon, we're in big trouble. His backroom boys suggest doing spread bets on the outcome of the Iraq War.

"They seem to know what they're talking about. The odds won't be very good, but if the wagers are big enough, we should make a killing, if you pardon the expression.

"Let me know pronto. And I mean pronto, Goldenrod..."

Miles Kington writes: "I am sorry. I have just discovered that all these documents are fakes issued by Conservative Central Office. Please ignore them."

A legal expert writes: "In my opinion, Mr Kington's apology is far too late and far too grudging. I believe he has laid himself open to an enormous libel suit. I, personally, would be very happy to represent anyone who wishes to take him to the cleaners. Just get in touch..."

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Reprographics Operator

£12500 - £13000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The largest independent Reprogr...

Recruitment Genius: Web Design Apprentice

£6240 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company is a well established websit...

Tradewind Recruitment: French & German Teacher

£120 - £145 per day: Tradewind Recruitment: French & German Teacher X2 Materni...

Recruitment Genius: IT Support Engineer / Systems Administrator

£25000 - £32500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Based in SW London, this compan...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Going viral on YouTube stopped me feeling like a ghost - and made me speak out about mental illness

Alika Agidi-Jeffs
 

If I were Prime Minister: I would tackle our looming dementia crisis

Susan Greenfield
Isis hostage crisis: The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power

Isis hostage crisis

The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power, says Robert Fisk
Missing salvage expert who found $50m of sunken treasure before disappearing, tracked down at last

The runaway buccaneers and the ship full of gold

Salvage expert Tommy Thompson found sunken treasure worth millions. Then he vanished... until now
Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

Maverick artist Grayson Perry backs our campaign
Assisted Dying Bill: I want to be able to decide about my own death - I want to have control of my life

Assisted Dying Bill: 'I want control of my life'

This week the Assisted Dying Bill is debated in the Lords. Virginia Ironside, who has already made plans for her own self-deliverance, argues that it's time we allowed people a humane, compassionate death
Move over, kale - cabbage is the new rising star

Cabbage is king again

Sophie Morris banishes thoughts of soggy school dinners and turns over a new leaf
11 best winter skin treats

Give your moisturiser a helping hand: 11 best winter skin treats

Get an extra boost of nourishment from one of these hard-working products
Paul Scholes column: The more Jose Mourinho attempts to influence match officials, the more they are likely to ignore him

Paul Scholes column

The more Jose Mourinho attempts to influence match officials, the more they are likely to ignore him
Frank Warren column: No cigar, but pots of money: here come the Cubans

Frank Warren's Ringside

No cigar, but pots of money: here come the Cubans
Isis hostage crisis: Militant group stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

Isis stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

The jihadis are being squeezed militarily and economically, but there is no sign of an implosion, says Patrick Cockburn
Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action

Virtual reality: Seeing is believing

Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action
Homeless Veterans appeal: MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’

Homeless Veterans appeal

MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’ to help
Larry David, Steve Coogan and other comedians share stories of depression in new documentary

Comedians share stories of depression

The director of the new documentary, Kevin Pollak, tells Jessica Barrett how he got them to talk
Has The Archers lost the plot with it's spicy storylines?

Has The Archers lost the plot?

A growing number of listeners are voicing their discontent over the rural soap's spicy storylines; so loudly that even the BBC's director-general seems worried, says Simon Kelner
English Heritage adds 14 post-war office buildings to its protected lists

14 office buildings added to protected lists

Christopher Beanland explores the underrated appeal of these palaces of pen-pushing
Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

Scientists unearthed the cranial fragments from Manot Cave in West Galilee