Miles Kington: Take my advice, get a good lawyer - or bookie

Take the phrase, 'This is no time for lawyer talk'. This is meaningless. It is ALWAYS time for lawyer talk

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A new set of documents has come to light which may rock the last week of the election campaign. They seem to show that Tony Blair knew about the Iraq War before it happened.

And, more controversially, that he quietly put a sizeable bet on the Americans to win, thus profiting from secret knowledge to make a fortune. An astounding claim? Then just read these communications to and from Downing Street which have come into my possession via channels which I cannot reveal.

The first is a top-secret message from President Bush to Mr Blair, reading as follows: "The hot news is that we're going into Iraq all guns blazing, and you're going to be there alongside us, little buddy boy, because if you're not, we'll be all by ourselves, and then we won't be able to call it a grand coalition.

"I reckon you know the consequences if the British aren't there, Tony, and I do mean what you think I'm meaning. Yes, your little secret. So be ready and be waiting."

Experts who have seen this message testify that it bears all the hallmarks of President Bush's style in that it sounds all fired up and ready to go. There is no mention of the United Nations or the international community and no admission that it's all really about oil, which is also very much Bush's style.

What Blair's "little secret" is, remains a matter for conjecture. (That's not true, of course. Everyone in the media and Fleet Street seems to know what it is, but nobody dares mention it and I can't afford to let on that I haven't the faintest idea what it is.)

The reply from Blair to Bush is also thought to be authentic. It reads: "Yes, sir!"

Experts who have seen this reply testify that both words in the message bear the unmistakable hallmarks of a Blair message to America.

Next comes a message which apparently emanates from Downing Street to the Attorney General, Lord Goldsmith, seeking legal justification for an attack on Iraq.

It reads as follows. "Listen, Goldilocks, I need immediate action on a decision to invade Iraq. Just send me a memo saying that it's quite legal to do so. Nothing elaborate."

I have not been able to trace Goldsmith's reply, but we can deduce what it says from Blair's next message. "Knock it off, Guildenstern! This is no time for lawyer talk so don't give me the caveats and cautions! Just give me the go-ahead or I'll have your guts for garters!"

A legal expert says: "I find this message very puzzling. Take the phrase 'This is no time for lawyer talk', for instance. This is meaningless. It is ALWAYS time for lawyer talk. What other kind really matters? To put it another way, how else are we going to earn our whack? That will be £400, please. Thank you."

The next document in the series comes from Downing Street to Goldsmith again and is as follows: "Well, thank YOU, Goldfinger, for the blank cheque permission to invade Iraq, and about bloody time, too. One more thing, though. Could you look into the legal status of placing a massive bet on the outcome of a war, if the party placing the bet is also one of the participants in the war?

"Gordon says that we are approaching meltdown in our trade deficit, and that if we don't do something drastic soon, we're in big trouble. His backroom boys suggest doing spread bets on the outcome of the Iraq War.

"They seem to know what they're talking about. The odds won't be very good, but if the wagers are big enough, we should make a killing, if you pardon the expression.

"Let me know pronto. And I mean pronto, Goldenrod..."

Miles Kington writes: "I am sorry. I have just discovered that all these documents are fakes issued by Conservative Central Office. Please ignore them."

A legal expert writes: "In my opinion, Mr Kington's apology is far too late and far too grudging. I believe he has laid himself open to an enormous libel suit. I, personally, would be very happy to represent anyone who wishes to take him to the cleaners. Just get in touch..."

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