Miles Kington: Ten things to see while you are in London

The New Orb Theatre Group are mounting a show trial of Geoff Hoon, who took Britain to war in Iraq
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Going up to London to do a bit of Christmas shopping? Well, while in the capital, why not take in one of the many exhibitions and attractions which make Londoners think that London is the best place in the world?

Here is a quick round-up of some of the must-see shows on in London during December...

The Britash Show

Remember that warehouse which burnt down, containing the cream of recent British art? The burnt remains have been kept as they are, as a monument to the incineration of so much genius. Look, stranger, and weep. But don't blow too hard.

The Show Trial of Geoff Hoon

As a parallel to the trial of Saddam Hussein taking place in Baghdad, the New Orb Theatre group are mounting a show trial of Geoff Hoon, the man who took Britain to war in Iraq. The actors are using a transcript of the court case which Geoff Hoon would have been involved in had he been arrested and put on trial for lying about WMD, giving our troops shoddy equipment, etc etc. Verdict expected in mid-December, sentence to be carried out the day after Boxing Day.

The London Ear

A sensational new 200-foot high plastic tower, shaped like an auricle, which visitors can climb to the top of, and there listen to the sounds made by the great city beneath. "I heard a man in Soho Square arguing with a traffic warden after he had left his car for two minutes while getting a take-away pizza," says one visitor, "and that was five miles away!"

The Van Dyck, Van Gogh and Van Eyck Exhibition

There is a trend for art shows in which you can compare different artists, and this is the first time that three guys beginning with Van have been shown together. But what have they in common? According to the catalogue: "All artists from all eras face the same problems in different forms". In other words, not a sausage.

Tours of Pre-Olympic London

By 2012, the East End of London will have been transformed into a wasteland of unwanted rowing lakes and velodromes. Take a trip round the old place now while it is still recognisable.

The London Nose

A sensational new 200-foot high plastic orifice up which you can climb via one nostril (and slide back down the other). While at the smelling platform on top, you can sniff the multifarious odours of a great city at work. One visitor says: "I could distinctly smell the take-away pizza bought by that guy arguing with the traffic warden."

The Constable, Sargent and Piper Exhibition

This is the first time that three famous painters named after ranks in the British army have been brought together in one show. But do they have anything in common ? The catalogue says: "Does the painter's name affect the way he paints? Did Jacopo Robusti paint differently after he became Tintoretto? Was El Greco a different artist from Domeniko Theotokopoulos?" In other words - who gives a monkey?

The London Throat

A sensational new 200-foot high artificial larynx from the top of which you can deliver spoken messages anywhere in a 20-mile radius. Says one visitor: "I really gave that traffic warden in Soho Square an earful. You should have seen his face! And you probably could have done, if you had been on the London Eye..."

The Tate, Lyle and Demerara Show

So much of British art history has been funded by sugar money, yet so little attention has been paid by art historians to sugar itself. This exhibition consists of objects made from sugar. But is it art? As the catalogue says: "It is commonplace to make the public pay to see white cubes scattered around a room. But knowing they are edible white cubes takes the concept into a different dimension." In other words, no.

The Secular, Soho

A new gay bar in Soho from which Catholic priests are barred, unless they can prove they have had no religious impulses for three years or more.