Miles Kington: The near future according Old Mother Kington...

Prince William sent out to Iraq on service duty, together with 1,000 men, whose job it is to make sure nothing happens to him
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The Independent Online

Today, as 2007 groans into action, we are going to peer into the future and consult the oracle known as Old Mother Kington's Almanack! Here are just a few of tomorrow's headlines...

JANUARY

A new hospital superbug is discovered.

It is revealed that a proposal to include Saddam Hussein in the New Year's Honours List was narrowly rejected. "He had been very useful to us in the past," said an FO official. "Somehow his name had stayed on the list."

Chaos at Heathrow. A spokesman says: "So, what's new?"

Tony Blair returns from holiday, tanned and healthy. "I feel I could go on for ever," he tells reporters. Gordon Brown says nothing.

England's cricketers return from Australia. They fly into Luton, at night, in disguise.

Tony Blair announces that the inquiry into cash for peerages is being cancelled, "in the interests of national security".

FEBRUARY

The development of a new hospital superbug is announced, which will be able to eat other hospital superbugs.

Heathrow running smoothly. "Not for long," says spokesman.

David Cameron says that we still have a lot to learn from Karl Marx, who embodied some core, caring Tory values.

Greater spotted desert skua seen in Britain for first time. "He has never been this far north before," says twitcher. "It shows that global warming is really working."

Rumours spread that Tony Blair is minded to accept a peerage. "If he does," says 10 Downing Street, "it will not be a freebie. He will pay for the title out of his own pocket."

MARCH

Fog. Heathrow comes to a standstill. "This will enable us to build up a backlog much more easily," says a spokesman.

A new hospital superbug is spotted on the South Coast. "We are very excited," says a spokesman. "We think it comes from the Mediterranean. It has never been seen this far north before."

APRIL

Outbreak of malnutrition among supermodels.

Fidel Castro is rumoured to be dead. Tony Blair flies out to Cuba to spend a week in a villa loaned to him, just to be on hand if he is needed for the funeral. Castro appears in public. Blair returns, looking bronzed and alert. "I am up for anything," he says. "I could invade anywhere."

Gordon Brown says nothing.

MAY

At Heathrow, chaos is caused by failure of baggage handlers to have their traditional Easter strike. "We were completely thrown by the normalcy of operations," says a spokesman. "We just weren't ready for it."

Prince William sent out to Iraq on service duty, together with 1,000 men, whose job it is to make sure nothing happens to him.

David Cameron says that we have much to learn from Oliver Cromwell, who embodied many good ideas about state power.

A new football superbug strikes at Chelsea. Many first-team players fall ill. Jose Mourinho blames Alex Ferguson.

JUNE

Bush dismisses Al Qa'ida as a spent force.

Osama bin Laden condemns Bush as a spent force.

Tony Blair denies that he is a spent force.

Gordon Brown is described as a spent-force-in-waiting.

Hospital superbug dismissed as a bug without teeth.

David Cameron greets Machiavelli as a man from whom today's Tories can learn much.

President Bush says that if Iran does not give up its nuclear ambitions, he will invade North Korea. Everyone pretends he has not said it.

Six more months tomorrow!

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