Miles Kington: The nefarious plans of a crazed, evil genius

'I wish to plunge the world into turmoil. But before that, I want to purchase a British football club'
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The Independent Online

To Dr Moneybags, that's who! The only agony uncle in the world who deals exclusively with the problems of the super-rich! And he is here again today, so let us for a moment listen in awe to the kind of troubles that you and I will never have...

Dear Dr Moneybags,

Having spent all my life making money, I never had much time for politics, but I am beginning to take an interest in it now. So I have decided to set aside 10 or 20 million pounds to give to a political party so that it can win the next election. But I can't make up my mind whether it should be Labour or the Tories. Or the Lib Dems, come to that. What do you think?

Yours sincerely

PS I am not Rupert Murdoch

Dr Moneybags writes: It is a common fallacy that money wins elections. It doesn't. What wins elections is the support of the 'Daily Mail'. My advice is to buy the 'Daily Mail' and instruct the editor to support whichever party you want to win.

Dear Dr Moneybags,

But I don't know which party I want to win!

Dr Moneybags writes: God bless you, sir, it doesn't matter which party wins. They are all the same. After all, Sainsbury's, Tesco and Waitrose are all deadly rivals, but their tins of tomatoes are all indistinguishable.

Dear Dr Moneybags,

What is a tin of tomatoes?

Dr Moneybags writes: Get along with you! Next, please.

Dear Dr Moneybags,

I am an evil crazed genius who has amassed one of the greatest fortunes the world has ever known, and now I wish to plunge the world into turmoil and see mankind come to a ghastly end. (I am not Rupert Murdoch, incidentally ...) Before that happens, however, I wish to have a bit of fun by purchasing a British football club and turning it into an overnight success story, as Abramovich has with Chelsea, and that Old Etonian has with Heart of Midlothian ...

Dr Moneybags writes: May I interrupt you there? I think you will find that Vladimir Romanov is actually an old Estonian. Carry on ...

Dear Dr Moneybags,

Yes, thank you. So which club shall I buy? Is there a Welsh or Irish club ripe for the picking?

Dr Moneybags writes: Don't be stupid! You say you want to have a bit of fun? My tip is to buy Manchester City and turn it into a superteam. That way, you will give all Manchester United fans a heart attack, and bring intense pleasure to everyone who hates Manchester United, which is most of the rest of the world. And the next.

Dear Dr Moneybags,

I have spent most of my considerable fortune in secretly acquiring the rights to all the horoscopes in all the papers in all the English-speaking world. This is in order to gain my revenge on the woman who once spurned my offer of marriage. I happen to know that not only is she a Taurus, but she devoutly believes all that her horoscope ever says, so it is my intention, starting next month, to make life miserable for all Tauruses everywhere in the world by predicting doom, disaster and disease. I don't care about the others. I just want to make life unbearable for her.

By the way, I am not Rupert Murdoch.

Dr Moneybags writes: And do you have a problem?

Dear Dr Moneybags,

No. I am just showing off, that is all.

Dr Moneybags writes: Good for you. Next, please!

Dear Dr Moneybags,

Once upon a time, in order to make myself an American millionaire, I acquired American nationality. Since then I have become convinced that China is the next huge growth area for us billionaires. I have already married a Chinese wife and now intend to apply for Chinese nationality. Can you advise me how this is most easily done?

Dr Moneybags writes: Well, Mr Murdoch...

That is all we have space for today. More of Dr Moneybags's postbag some other time, I hope.

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