Miles Kington: Those latest buzzwords made accessible

The last thing you used to want was people reading your diary. A blog totally reverses the situation
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The Independent Online

Accessibility If a theatre can get wheelchairs in, and puts on plays which people can understand, it is said to have accessibility.

Ambiance The music on a CD chosen by the resident barman.

Asian Person originating from India or Pakistan.

Avian A bird originating from Asia.

Blog In the old days, when you kept a diary, the last thing you wanted was for anyone else to read it. A blog represents a complete reversal of the situation.

Clinic Place where famous people go to exchange withdrawal symptoms with other famous people.

Community Term used by a politician to designate the particular section of the electorate whose vote he is trying to attract.

Dream Ticket Name given to two people who are about to lose an election.

Feng Shui The thing that came before Sudoku.

Gastropub New kind of pub where it is impossible to buy a pint.

Government policy An idea which occurs to Mr Blair just before a broadcast.

Health and Safety Name given to proliferating series of regulations which are aimed at keeping you physically fit enough to survive the nervous breakdown to which you will inevitably be driven by the proliferating series of health and safety regulations.

Hike Ridiculous American word meaning a "rise", as in "tax hike".

Infrastructure Name given to anything swept away by flood, earthquake, tsunami, hurricane or the Bush/Blair invasion of Iraq.

Jumble room The spare room in the house in which some people keep all those unwanted things which they keep, meaning to give to the jumble sale but knowing they never will.

Karaoke The thing that came before Feng Shui.

Land line Old-fashioned kind of telephone which never suffers from a lack of network coverage, never has a low battery crisis, and never gets lost or stolen, and whose days are therefore numbered.

Manners Something seen everywhere in new books but rarely encountered in real life.

Meteorology A modern science which enables us to say with 100 per cent accuracy exactly what the weather was like yesterday.

Multiculturalism A refusal to integrate.

Multi-tasking A refusal to delegate.

Profile A newspaper article about somebody who has turned down all requests for an interview.

Regime a) a police state b) an attempt to live without butter.

Remaindered copy A book that not even the author cares to buy.

Rookie Ridiculous American word meaning "novice".

Sacrifice Word used by President Bush to designate deaths of American soldiers in Iraq, though not those of Iraqi civilians, etc.

Satire A kind of humour which is meant to change society. Its main effect is to make the author wonder, 40 years later, what on earth he was so angry about at the time.

Sorry "Sorry" means "not sorry", as in "I am sorry, but I am not going to apologise for toppling Saddam Hussein."

Supplement Something which is a) added to a medical treatment to make it work b) added to newspapers to make them readable.

Sushi The thing that came before karaoke.

Text messaging A subject awaiting a new book by Lynne Truss.

Title A receipt issued by the New Labour government for services rendered.

Topical humour The theory that a joke about Willie Whitelaw is a joy for ever.