Miles Kington: What do you get for the man who has everything?

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The Independent Online

Someone once wrote a piece which started: "A Perfect Gift For the Man Who Has Everything. Penicillin!" That may be very funny for most of us, but is rather offensive to those who really have got everything. How these unlucky millionaires must dread Christmas, when their nearest and dearest ring them up and say, "Any good ideas on your want list this year?" and they have to say drearily, "Well, I really do think I've got everything I need..." or even worse, lie and say, "You're not going to believe this, but I'm very low on socks..."

So today I am going for broke and catering for people buying for the impossible person.

For the man who has everything half a dozen new ideas for 2007!

1. A hamper of silver and gold presents

There is one thing that people-who-have-everything are always short of and that is presents to give other people. Why not give them this lovely hamper full of silver and gold presents which they can dip into whenever they have forgotten someone's birthday? 45,000 for a nice selection. Plus solid gold foil wrapping paper, 40 a sheet.

2. Fully working inflatable warning globe

We all know what an inflatable globe looks like, like a big cushion with a map of the world on the outside. This has all the cautionary extras that even Jonathan Porritt would approve of: an ozone layer, increasing amounts of carbon, decreasing forest coverage, increasing oceans which actually overflow the land and drown countries, and most spectacular of all tiny volcanoes which really work. Global ruin has never looked quite so sensational and stunning. 90,000 in working order. Batteries not supplied.

3. Hire Led Zeppelin for a private party

Beginning to take bookings now, a recently reformed supergroup, with mostly all original members, recently tested on the run in south London and in good working order. They are said to know their reper-toire virtually as well as their tribute groups. They can easily do the top volume stuff, but are not quite up to playing softly yet. A small private party with Led Zeppelin playing for dancing in a side room is about as chic as you can get. 3m upwards.

4. Join the 'Be Conrad Black for a day' Scheme

Ever wanted to know what it feels like to no longer be the man who has everything? Now you can! Under a new scheme, you can stand in for Conrad Black for 24 hours and share in the true agony of being the man who has nothing but a lot of debts, also Barbara Amiel at a loose end. It will cost you a million a day. But that's Canadian dollars, so it isn't so bad. Plus use of peerage for a whole 24 hours!

5. Have your house used as a film location

All men-who-have-everything are in love with showbiz and showbiz people, and one of the best ways you can get near the whole process is have your home used as a film location. See everything happen! Meet the stars! And have a small part for yourself as an extra! (You'll end up on the cutting room floor, but no matter.) Oh, and just a hint put all your furniture in storage first. You pay them from 700,000 a day.

6. Life-size replica of Alan Bennett, school of Antony Gormley

This lifelike statue, said by many to be even more lifelike than the man himself, was test-driven on the Yorkshire Moors earlier this year, scattered around various venues under the general title of "National Treasure of the North". Reaction was good. The presence of the Alan Bennett figure at woodland picnic sites was said to bring a good aura, for instance. Indoors, reaction has also been effective having an Alan Bennett figure at parties, for instance, just standing on the periphery, seems to have a calming effect on people. "You feel someone is listening to you for a change," said one woman, a wife of a man who has everything. 250,000 upwards.

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