Miles Kington: Where are they now? That's the question we're all asking

Who has gone into the celebrity villa business, who's marooned on an island, and which famous faces are penning next year's hit memoirs?
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The Independent Online

Where are they now? That's the question which newspapermen ask themselves when they look at their old cuttings.

Johnny Rotten. Valery Giscard d'Estaing. Brigitte Bardot. Adam Ant. Whatever happened to these people?

Did they even really exist? That's the question we ask now, though not with the above four, who are actually all on holiday together at this very moment in Cliff Richard's villa in Barbados.

No, we are going to ask the question "Where Are They Now?" about:

Cliff Richard

Cliff has gone into the celebrity villa business. He invested his fortune in holiday homes around the world where famous people can spend an incognito fortnight. The word goes out that they are staying for free. Don't believe it. It costs an arm and a leg.

Sue Lawley

Sue is taking a well-earned holiday on a small island (also owned by Cliff Richard), feeling a bit down in the mouth. This is partly because of post-Desert Island Discs Depression, and partly because none of the famous people she interviewed for the programme have kept in touch, as they promised they would. She has no records on the island, because, to be honest, music has never really meant that much to her.

Radan Karadzic

Richard Gere, the perpetually young American actor, 57, is in Croatia making a film about an American journalist's attempt to track down the wanted war criminal, Radan Karadzic, who has been on the run for over ten years. Radan Karadzic is working as a technical adviser to the film.

Sven Goran Eriksson

Sven is writing his memoirs, provisionally entitled: "I Had a Brilliant Plan to Baffle the Opposition: I Thought of the Idea of Taking off all Eleven England Players at Half-time and Replacing them with Total Unknowns! But I was Ahead of My Time..."

Silvio Berlusconi

Silvio Berlusconi is writing his memoirs, which he has entitled: "No, I tell a Lie".

Alastair Campbell

Alastair Campbell is writing his memoirs, which are called: "The Truth Will Out, Unless We're Very Careful".

Tony Blair

Tony will very soon be available for giving lectures for a huge fee. Write to 10 Downing Street for details, marking your envelope "Not a Labour Loan - Tony's Mortgage Fund". But hurry, please.

Saddam Hussein

Saddam Hussein is standing trial on some lesser charges at the moment, including over 13,000 traffic infringements, 27,000 overdue parking fines, and several unpaid bills from a beret-maker in Paris.

He is also working on his memoirs, which are to be entitled: "Writings of Mass Distribution".

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson is the new face of Heinz Baked Beans. Miles Kington notes: "I wish I could say I had made that up, but I didn't."

John Birt

John thinks he is still employed at 10 Downing Street, though nobody knows what for. He occasionally comes in, dumps a huge pile of papers on the table and says: "Well, I have now cleared up crime" or "I think that will solve the traffic problems for years to come" or "No more energy worries now!"

"The scary thing is," says an aide, "that when we look at his reports, they are all completely blank sheets of paper. Poor chap. He is still in denial about the BBC, I think."