Survival of the fittest

'Is there any danger that a species such as a cockroach that is being groomed to take over might do it while man is still around?'

Yesterday, I was talking to Professor Ivor Gorleston and, by the miracles of extended note-taking, I am talking to him again today, because Professor Gorleston, although unknown to the public, is doing one of the most important jobs in the world today, or maybe even tomorrow.

That's because Professor Gorleston runs Post-Hol, or the Post-Holocaust Research Centre, where they are trying to discover which species will emerge triumphant after the human race has committed suicide. The Americans, here at this futuristic theme park in Wyoming, are putting their money on the cockroach. The Russians, it seems, favour the survival of the rat.

"Of course, the Russians have a lot more rats then we do, and we have a lot more cockroaches, so maybe we are just backing the home team," says Gorleston. "But all our experiments show that the cockroach is the ace survivor. It can survive extremes of heat and cold, it can survive radiation, it can survive a poor diet. It is almost as if it were designed to survive a nuclear holocaust. I know that's fanciful, because who would have designed it to outlast radiation? God? I am sorry. We cannot let God enter into our calculations."

Gorleston's team is now embarking on a programme to develop a cockroach that will be as equipped as possible to flourish in the post-nuclear desert that will follow man's destruction. Operation Super-Roach involves not just breeding and training, but genetic engineering. One half expects to see three-foot cockroaches roaming the compound at Post-Hol...

Professor Gorleston smiles the indulgent smile with which scientists enjoy welcoming ignorance.

"There would be no point in breeding a giant cockroach. It would be highly inefficient. Nature is very good at bringing a species to the right size for its own mechanism, and the cockroach is the result of thousands of years of natural selection. No, we are merely trying to ensure that our roach has the utmost stamina and resistance. It would also be helpful if we could make it disgusting to eat for rats. Russian rats especially."

Is there any danger that a species such as the cockroach that is being groomed to take over from Homo sapiens might actually try to take over before the time comes? That is, while man is still around?

"I don't think so," says Gorleston. "I don't think the cockroach has any concept of trying to take over. We just want it to be ready when the field is open. To be quite honest, if the cockroach thinks anything at all, it probably thinks it has taken over the world already. Ants probably think the same thing. Spiders, too. Bacteria, certainly. Only human beings are intelligent enough to realise that they really are the top species, or will be until they prove otherwise by destroying themselves."

But it must strike everyone as crazy that the Americans are prepared to continue their rivalry with the Russians into a post-human phase. What is the point of trying to beat the Russians when there won't be any Russians left? Or any Americans? And do the Russians really present a threat any more?

"No, they don't," admits Gorleston. "The real threat these days comes from Europe. The EU has manoeuvred itself into being a rival to the US, and although we are not afraid of the EU, on the grounds that the EU has no idea how to organise itself, we are worried about some of the efforts of its individual members. The Airbus was very good, for instance. So was Concorde. So it is quite possible that Europe can also mount a rival to Post-Hol. In fact, we are a bit worried by this."

This was a small glass jar containing a spider.

"This little fellow we picked up in the park this morning," says Gorleston. "Nothing wrong with that, except that we know for certain that there aren't any spiders here, because we didn't put any in. So our theory is that it's a European spider, specially trained to come in and spy on us."

The theory suddenly strikes me that Professor Gorleston is stark raving mad.

"You think I'm stark raving mad, don't you?" he says, as he bids us farewell. "Believe me, this is very serious research. And if all else fails, it's going to make a great movie."