Two sides to every argument

'There are those who read on a train if there is no one to talk to, and those who read on a train for fear that someone will talk to them'

Share


THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE

There are two kinds of people

There are those who start their Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and those who have already finished by 1 December.

There are those who, when they get a Christmas card, say "That's nice! We've had a card from the Spoffords!", and those who say "Oh God – I don't think that we sent the Spoffords a card."

There are those who kiss under the mistletoe and those who get kissed under the mistletoe.

There are those who think that avocado is a fruit and those who think it is a colour.

There are those who take an umbrella because they don't want their bodies to get wet and those who take an umbrella because they don't want their clothes to get wet.

There are those who think he is called Angus DAYton and those who think he is called Angus DEEton.

There are those who say "Bless you" seriously when you sneeze and those who say "Bless you" humourously when you say a Polish word.

There are those who buy gadgets when they're still cutting edge and state of the art (i.e. far too expensive) and not worth buying, and those who say they'll wait to buy them till they've come down in price (i.e. till they're worth buying but no longer worth having).

There are those who, at a wedding, when asked to say the Lord's Prayer, do so loudly and faithfully, and those who have lost their faith and refuse to say it out loud, even though out of habit they cannot stop themselves mouthing it silently.

There are those who, when filling a car with petrol, make a note of the number of their pump before they go in to pay, and those who, when asked the number of their pump, squint out of the window and say: "I can't read the number from here, but it's the second from the right where the old Volvo is."

There are those who peel mushrooms before they cook them and those who realise that there is absolutely no need.

There are those who, when eating an apple, just eat the nice, juicy flesh and throw the rest away, and those who nibble it down to the last vestige of fruit round the stalk, yea, down to consuming the bit round the pips and all the skin that is left.

There are those who think that golf is a sport and those who think it is a rather unsightly social disease.

There are those who swear all the time and never actually notice it, and those who never swear and notice it all the time.

There are those who assume that a film called Wilde would be about Oscar, and those who assume it would be about Marty.

There are those who think that in thunder it is safer to hide under a tree, because then you won't attract lightning, only the tree will, and those who think that hiding under a tree is the worst thing you can do because the tree will act as a conductor, get struck, burst into flames and fall down on top of you.

There are those who don't like driving on to a pavement because they think it will hurt their car, and those who don't like driving on to a pavement because they think they might hurt someone on the pavement.

There are people who like soup and people who think soup is for ill people.

There are those who read a book on a train if there is nobody to talk to and those who read a book on a train for fear that someone will talk to them.

There are those who prefer reading a book in hardback, because hardbacks are proper books, unlike flimsy paperbacks, which are just a poor substitute, and there are those who prefer reading books in paperback because paperbacks are proper reading books unlike hardbacks, which are school books and academic texts.

There are those who eat spaghetti carefully, cleanly and discreetly, and there are those who eat it Italian style.

There are those who sound their car horn as a peaceful warning and those who sound it as a war cry.

To be continued

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

English Teacher

£4848 - £33600 per annum: Randstad Education Manchester Secondary: Outstanding...

Cover Supervisors/Teaching Assistants Secondary Schools in York

Negotiable: Randstad Education Leeds: Cover Supervisors/Long Term Teaching Ass...

Science Teacher

£20000 - £30000 per annum: Randstad Education Leeds: Secondary Science Teacher...

Cover Supervisor

£55 - £70 per day: Randstad Education Leeds: Cover Supervisors needed for seco...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Daily catch-up: EU news, and other reasons to be cheerful

John Rentoul
The influx of hundreds of thousands of eastern European workers has significantly altered the composition of some parts of Britain  

Immigration is the issue many in Labour fear most

Nigel Morris
Wilko Johnson, now the bad news: musician splits with manager after police investigate assault claims

Wilko Johnson, now the bad news

Former Dr Feelgood splits with manager after police investigate assault claims
Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands ahead of the US midterm elections

Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands

The Senator for Colorado is for gay rights, for abortion rights – and in the Republicans’ sights as they threaten to take control of the Senate next month
New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

Evidence found of contact between Easter Islanders and South America
Cerys Matthews reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of Dylan Thomas

Cerys Matthews on Dylan Thomas

The singer reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of the famous Welsh poet
DIY is not fun and we've finally realised this as a nation

Homebase closures: 'DIY is not fun'

Homebase has announced the closure of one in four of its stores. Nick Harding, who never did know his awl from his elbow, is glad to see the back of DIY
The Battle of the Five Armies: Air New Zealand releases new Hobbit-inspired in-flight video

Air New Zealand's wizard in-flight video

The airline has released a new Hobbit-inspired clip dubbed "The most epic safety video ever made"
Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month - but can you stomach the sweetness?

Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month

The combination of cinnamon, clove, nutmeg (and no actual pumpkin), now flavours everything from lattes to cream cheese in the US
11 best sonic skincare brushes

11 best sonic skincare brushes

Forget the flannel - take skincare to the next level by using your favourite cleanser with a sonic facial brush
Paul Scholes column: I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Phil Jones and Marcos Rojo

Paul Scholes column

I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Jones and Rojo
Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

While other sports are stalked by corruption, we are an easy target for the critics
Jamie Roberts exclusive interview: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Jamie Roberts: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Wales centre says he’s not coming home but is looking to establish himself at Racing Métro
How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?

A crime that reveals London's dark heart

How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?
Meet 'Porridge' and 'Vampire': Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker

Lost in translation: Western monikers

Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker. Simon Usborne, who met a 'Porridge' and a 'Vampire' while in China, can see the problem
Handy hacks that make life easier: New book reveals how to rid your inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone

Handy hacks that make life easier

New book reveals how to rid your email inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone with a loo-roll
KidZania lets children try their hands at being a firefighter, doctor or factory worker for the day

KidZania: It's a small world

The new 'educational entertainment experience' in London's Shepherd's Bush will allow children to try out the jobs that are usually undertaken by adults, including firefighter, doctor or factory worker