Friday 6 December 2002
Two sides to every argument
'There are those who read on a train if there is no one to talk to, and those who read on a train for fear that someone will talk to them'
THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE
There are two kinds of people
There are those who start their Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and those who have already finished by 1 December.
There are those who, when they get a Christmas card, say "That's nice! We've had a card from the Spoffords!", and those who say "Oh God – I don't think that we sent the Spoffords a card."
There are those who kiss under the mistletoe and those who get kissed under the mistletoe.
There are those who think that avocado is a fruit and those who think it is a colour.
There are those who take an umbrella because they don't want their bodies to get wet and those who take an umbrella because they don't want their clothes to get wet.
There are those who think he is called Angus DAYton and those who think he is called Angus DEEton.
There are those who say "Bless you" seriously when you sneeze and those who say "Bless you" humourously when you say a Polish word.
There are those who buy gadgets when they're still cutting edge and state of the art (i.e. far too expensive) and not worth buying, and those who say they'll wait to buy them till they've come down in price (i.e. till they're worth buying but no longer worth having).
There are those who, at a wedding, when asked to say the Lord's Prayer, do so loudly and faithfully, and those who have lost their faith and refuse to say it out loud, even though out of habit they cannot stop themselves mouthing it silently.
There are those who, when filling a car with petrol, make a note of the number of their pump before they go in to pay, and those who, when asked the number of their pump, squint out of the window and say: "I can't read the number from here, but it's the second from the right where the old Volvo is."
There are those who peel mushrooms before they cook them and those who realise that there is absolutely no need.
There are those who, when eating an apple, just eat the nice, juicy flesh and throw the rest away, and those who nibble it down to the last vestige of fruit round the stalk, yea, down to consuming the bit round the pips and all the skin that is left.
There are those who think that golf is a sport and those who think it is a rather unsightly social disease.
There are those who swear all the time and never actually notice it, and those who never swear and notice it all the time.
There are those who assume that a film called Wilde would be about Oscar, and those who assume it would be about Marty.
There are those who think that in thunder it is safer to hide under a tree, because then you won't attract lightning, only the tree will, and those who think that hiding under a tree is the worst thing you can do because the tree will act as a conductor, get struck, burst into flames and fall down on top of you.
There are those who don't like driving on to a pavement because they think it will hurt their car, and those who don't like driving on to a pavement because they think they might hurt someone on the pavement.
There are people who like soup and people who think soup is for ill people.
There are those who read a book on a train if there is nobody to talk to and those who read a book on a train for fear that someone will talk to them.
There are those who prefer reading a book in hardback, because hardbacks are proper books, unlike flimsy paperbacks, which are just a poor substitute, and there are those who prefer reading books in paperback because paperbacks are proper reading books unlike hardbacks, which are school books and academic texts.
There are those who eat spaghetti carefully, cleanly and discreetly, and there are those who eat it Italian style.
There are those who sound their car horn as a peaceful warning and those who sound it as a war cry.
To be continued
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