Yet more tennis? You cannot be serious!

'Sir Cliff Richard is being led away. His microphone is being taken from him'
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The Independent Online

As TV coverage of Wimbledon gets under way, and one match blurs into another, we are going to need some way of getting through the ordeal. Why not just tick off all the following remarks as you hear them made by the commentators? When you have collected them all, you can switch off and start preparing for the new soccer season...

As TV coverage of Wimbledon gets under way, and one match blurs into another, we are going to need some way of getting through the ordeal. Why not just tick off all the following remarks as you hear them made by the commentators? When you have collected them all, you can switch off and start preparing for the new soccer season...

"Great shot!"

"Not such a great shot."

"He can't afford to play many more like that."

"He's cross with himself for that one."

"He's delighted with that one."

"Oh, dear."

"Perhaps it's just as well we can't understand Serbo-Croat."

"He thinks it's long."

"He's giving the umpire a hard look."

"He's having a look at the line."

"It did look close to me."

"He's having words with the umpire."

"He's dragged the umpire down from his chair."

"He's throttling him on the ground."

"That's not very helpful at this stage."

"I'm not sure what the rules are on this one."

"Perhaps they'll send for a new umpire."

"Oh, great shot!"

"She's running back into form at just the right moment."

"This makes nonsense of her seeding."

"She's got a lovely touch."

"She's got lovely legs."

"Did I say that?"

"I didn't mean to."

"I meant, she moves very well."

"He's going to have to dig deep now."

"He's being asked a lot of questions now."

"He will have to find an answer."

"That's a very brave pigeon."

"There was a lot of slice on that."

"He stayed back."

"He came to the net."

"He's going to have to try something else."

"She has to stay cool."

"He played it to his feet."

"He played it at his body."

"He tried to knock his head off."

"There's that pigeon again."

"This is a very important game for him."

"He'll have to win this game."

"If he doesn't win this game, no one will ever speak to him again."

"If he serves a double fault now, he'll have to leave Britain and go and live somewhere else in disguise."

"Maybe it's quite a different pigeon."

"She's looking very thoughtful."

"As well she may."

"Things aren't going her way."

"She's lobbed once too often."

"She'll have to stay focused now."

"She's very strong, though."

"She's got a man's shoulders."

"She's got a man's legs."

"She's got a small shaving cut on her chin."

"I swear she's a man."

"Did I really say that?"

"They've met 14 times before."

"They've each won seven times."

"They've got the same world rating."

"They both look the same."

"I don't know which is which."

"And frankly, I don't give a toss."

"She gives the ball a toss."

"She catches it."

"She tosses it again."

"She catches it again."

"We can go over to Court No 14 now."

"A sensational result here."

"You can see why she's number one in Costa Rica."

"Her mother looks very pleased."

"Back to the Centre Court."

"She tosses it again."

"Oh, dear."

"It looks like rain."

"They're coming off."

"What a shame."

"Still no sign of play."

"Sir Cliff Richard is being led away."

"His microphone is being taken from him."

"It's really coming down now."

"Wait - I think I can see a small patch of blue somewhere down the M3..."

"They're coming back on."

"Great shot!"

"Not such a great shot."

...

Please wake up and go back to the beginning...

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