My So-called Life: Tears and txts over the dishwasher

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The Independent Online

The partner of Ms Ross last night confessed that he never stacks or unstacks the dishwasher and does leave dirty plates and cups by the sink, as if elves are going to come in the middle of the night and magically clear them all away.

The partner of Ms Ross last night confessed that he never stacks or unstacks the dishwasher and does leave dirty plates and cups by the sink, as if elves are going to come in the middle of the night and magically clear them all away. After days of mounting pressure, he finally told Deborah: "Yes, it's true. I can no longer deny it. I have never stacked or unstacked the dishwasher in all our years together and, if it were not for the elves, I would feel very bad about all the extra work I have put you to over the years."

He also fought back tears as he confessed to sending her txts that said "gt mlk' and 'gt loo rll" and "gt hme soon as now bg tower of dshs wich may fall if nt stcked" and which any woman in her right mind would find upsetting and tiresome and a complete turn-off.

Lazy Arse

Close pals who have never met anyone involved in this sizzling story say Deborah is struggling to come to come to terms with the man who, until two weeks ago, was revered by all other men around the globe for never doing a stroke of work around the house and will now continue to be an icon for many years to come.

The couple's immediate reaction to the first revelation that one of them was a lazy arse was to pose for lovey-dovey pictures beside the white slope of their Zanussi DE6854 with height adjustable top basket and five programmes, not one of which, it now turns out, he has ever learnt to work. What another turn-off!

Spittoon

Last night, a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of his who cannot be identified because he has been made up to order, but is a close pal nevertheless, said that Deborah's partner said: "My life is really xxxxed. I don't know what to do. I love Deborah because she is pretty, charming, clever, intelligent, articulate, sexy, smart, funny, delightful, kind, genuine, sincere, a size eight, stylish, and even more charming than my first use of charming can even hint at.

"She is an absolute joy to live with, particularly in bed first thing when she clears her lungs, lights up, clears her lungs and lights up again. If it weren't for the fact I have to get up to open a window and help position the spittoon I could lie all day just looking at her.

"I would feed her strawberries, but it's hard to do strawberries and a spittoon. I'd hate to lose her unless I did, in which case I would not look for her very hard, frankly. There are two sides to every story and you have never seen such phlegm. I don't know what to do as she is so upset."

He has sought advice from a close pal who also does not exist but had something to say anyway: "He could buy her a £1m pink diamond ring. That would help matters quite a lot. It might even solve everything. Alternatively, there is the cheaper option of not making such a fuss when she first lights up in the morning and doing that annoying window thing. Is that too much to ask?"

Devastated

Deborah is absolutely devastated. Right up to the end she thought she could get through this; could stack and unstack, stack and unstack, stack and unstack, night after night after night, without getting angry or resentful. But recently she:

* Kicked him in the shin when he was passing, and

* Kicked him again the next time he was passing, and

* Kicked him when he wasn't passing, what the hell.

The close pal who is not the first close pal mentioned or the third, but is the second, said: "In any normal relationship she would have kicked him harder and given him the boot, but they have worked hard for global domination in the Hornsey area and do not want to spoil it all now."

It is suspected that Deborah is not being comforted by Nancy Dell'Olio, the girlfriend of Sven Goran Eriksson, the England football coach, as they do not know each other but, then again, not knowing someone doesn't mean you can't be their close pal, so there is every chance that she is.

Another close pal who is an old close pal, but not one of the old close pals already mentioned, and so is a new old close pal who cannot be identified, said: "Nancy understands what Deb is going through as Sven is a lazy arse around the house as well. Nancy has tried everything to bring him to heel, including Finish Three-in-One Powerball Tablets, which are state-of-the-art and not cheap."

Deborah has told a very close circle, as well as four loose-ish triangles and a rhombus, that she is considering a "trial separation" for "time to think". She has a lot to think about, including: how many E-width fittings does it take to get to F?

dross@independent.co.uk

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