My So-called Life: Why I should be running the BBC

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The Independent Online

After careful thought I have decided to throw my hat into the ring with regard to the Director General vacancy at the BBC and have written to the new chairman, Mr Grade, outlining my ideas as to how I would take the corporation forward at this difficult time:

After careful thought I have decided to throw my hat into the ring with regard to the Director General vacancy at the BBC and have written to the new chairman, Mr Grade, outlining my ideas as to how I would take the corporation forward at this difficult time:

Nigella Lawson

Firstly, Mr Grade, I believe that Ms Lawson has been most cruelly ill-served by Channel 4 and it would not take much to bring her over to the BBC. Ms Lawson is obviously a most sloppy eater - my two-year-old is significantly cleaner at the table - and such are the lax production standards at Channel 4 they have never made any attempt to disguise this unsavoury fact. On several occasions I have witnessed her digging her fingers into various dishes and then licking them with such mouth-filled sighs of delight that you'd think she was giving someone a blow job. I'm sure Channel 4 could not have intended such a thing and am amazed that they have neither picked up on it or done anything to save Ms Lawson from further embarrassment.

As it is, whenever my partner and I have watched any of Nigella's programmes he, in particular, has been so appalled and disgusted by her unhygienic eating habits that he has had to move nearer the television, just to check that what he is seeing is actually true. Sometimes, the whole business affects his stomach so badly that he has to put a hand down the waistband of his trousers and rub quite hard to achieve any kind of symptomatic relief. There have even been instances where, traumatised as he is and unable to get such appalling images out of his mind, he has called out her name while we are having sex. He has never called out Delia's name which, I believe, must be taken as a tribute to the BBC's professionalism, superb hygiene standards and attention to table manners.

I am happy to open negotiations with Ms Lawson as I am a fan of her Living Kitchen range, and own one of her ceramic storage jars in an amphora form that, usefully, can be used in an upright or tilted position and comes with a glass lid that allows at-a-glance identification of contents. I keep our biscuits in it and certainly feel that, once I have steered the conversation towards biscuits it's only a small step from there to breaking the news about blowjobs and then informing her why she would be better off at the BBC. (I have, by the way, never shouted "Ainsley" during sex. Please tell the governors to kill me if I ever do.)

My Veins

The varicose vein operation is one of the most common in the Western world but what do we really know about the exact nature of the procedure? Now, I would not wish this programme to get into the emotional debate, or into the anguish some people can feel after the event: the guilt of those who are tormented by thoughts of the veins they could have had and how big they would be today, or even whether they were right to do what they did just because, at the time, having the veins would have been an inconvenient burden - particularly if a career in hairdressing, waitressing or speed skating was in the offing. I propose, instead, an unflinching and unblinking account of the operation itself, which has never been seen on television before. It's one of those issues that will never be uncontroversial and I'm afraid there are simply no answers. But it shouldn't stop rational debate and I sincerely believe that My Veins would make a valuable contribution. It's not just another shockumentary. It could be followed up by My Corns, which could be mine, or someone else's entirely, such as Davina McCall's, or perhaps Andrew Marr's. Mr Marr is known to have big ears, but not corns, and I think the British public might be very interested in seeing this side to him. Tell me, does his contract stipulate that he can refuse to take off his shoes and socks?

Sports coverage

My own view, which I'm pretty sure reflects that of the average licence payer, is that sport is really, really boring and all of it should be cancelled with immediate effect.

Films in the afternoons

Of course, I am much too busy to ever watch them but, if I did, Mr Grade, I would hope for more light-hearted romances and less wartime treason/ espionage dramas with big ships and Sir John Mills in them. Wartime treason/ espionage dramas with big ships and Sir John Mills in them fail every licence payer who would be happier with something a little more Rock Hudson and Doris Day.

Relocation, Relocation

A French family relocate to Britain and then almost instantly relocate back to France upon the realisation that our roads are rubbish, our trains are pitiful, the education system is a farce, our climate stinks, Tesco is running the country and our idea of a good day out is to drive to beauty spots, eat sandwiches in the car, toss the crisp packets out the window, then drive home for a nice cup of tea and a sit down. As Director General, I would not only personally offer to see this family back home, but would even be prepared to stay a while if, for example, their relocation relocated them to an idyllic old farmhouse with fully working boiler, vineyard, two nearby boulangeries and several comedy locals whose funny foreign ways I could laugh at and then turn into a best-seller.

I can be reached at all times apart from 1pm-3pm if a Rock Hudson/ Doris Day film happens to be on which is when, coincidentally, I might be at my most busy. I look forward to joining you at the corporation where I think you will find me the ideal equal opportunity DG.

Yours,
Deborah Ross

PS: My Family

Hang on to this sitcom at all costs, as it is something the whole family at home can enjoy together, even though some members might, 10 minutes in, start shouting: "What are Zoë Wanamaker and Robert Lindsay doing in this dated old rubbish? Just how much are they getting paid? Tons, I bet." As My Family is a ratings winner, such a person would have no business being Director General and so it is not me and, I can assure you, never has been.

dross@independent.co.uk

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