A recipe for my sexy pie

If you ask me...cooking in Crocs or wellington boots is not quite as sexy, but a shit-load of sugar and some "highly sensual sighs" make up for it

Share

If you ask me, I am extremely happy to announce that, ahead of Nigella's new book and accompanying TV series, Nigellisima, I have been given permission to publish one of her recipes in advance. This is the recipe for her 'Tumescent Pie' which, I am sure, will become a firm family favourite, and is reprinted here in full:

'Ingredients:

Silky robe

Slinky mules (organic, preferably)

Six buckets of double cream

A shit-load of sugar

All the eggs, butter and cocoa there is in the world.

A rubbing motion of the kind that would make even a tomato thrill, swell, then explode.

‘Directions: Attire yourself in the silky robe and slinky mules. The mules are optional and you may try this  recipe with other types of footwear  - Crocs, for example, or Wellington boots, if you are quite poor - but the results will not be the same. The silky robe should be open enough to suggest the soft, milky white body of a late-career Ingress portrait, at its most Ingress-y, but not so open it merely says 'slutty slutty slut slut.'

Before placing the mixture in the oven, fork-prick to soften then, using the soft pads of your hands, palpate until it begs you to stop.

'Mix the six buckets of cream with the shit-load of sugar. Taste frequently by sucking your fingers and emitting highly sensual sighs of mouth-filled delight. If it dribbles down your chin, so be it. Before adding the eggs, tease them a little with fond strokes of the kind that would make a tomato thrill and swell. If you do not tease in this way, your pie will not tumesce sufficiently. If in doubt, softly mutter: 'Mummy knows best.' Or: Who's been  a naughty boy?'  Before placing the mixture in the oven, fork-prick to soften then, using the soft pads of your hands, palpate until it begs you to stop. Bake, and while it is doing so, enjoy a glass of Prosecco and some tiny bits of shockingly expensive ham with friends who wear sunglasses on their heads and look as if they work in advertising.  If the conversation palls, impale a lemon on a skewer, regard it with an expression of profound soulfulness, then say enticingly: "I do love a good impaling."

'Remove pie from oven and, once it has cooled, lick it all over while awarding it a momentary glimpse of it your bra strap. To serve, bring the butter to room-temperature, add cocoa, and roll around in it. Or you could offer mash.'

Like I said, this is something I will probably cook again and again. Or I could just bang some nuggets on the table and say: 'That's it.' This is always the temptation.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Weekend Factory Operatives

£9 per hour: Recruitment Genius: This high quality thread manufacturer is curr...

Recruitment Genius: FP&A Analyst

£40000 - £55000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A market leading acquirer and m...

Recruitment Genius: Electricians

£35000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Fully qualified electricians re...

Recruitment Genius: Customer Service and Business Support Assistant

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: By developing intimate relationships with inte...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Daily catch-up: the Labour leadership election hasn’t yet got to grips with why the party lost

John Rentoul
Kennedy campaign for the Lib Dems earlier this year in Bearsden  

Charles Kennedy: A brilliant man whose talents were badly needed

Baroness Williams
Sepp Blatter resignation: The beginning of Fifa's long road to reform?

Does Blatter's departure mean Fifa will automatically clean up its act?

Don't bet on it, says Tom Peck
Charles Kennedy: The baby of the House who grew into a Lib Dem giant

The baby of the House who grew into a Lib Dem giant

Charles Kennedy was consistently a man of the centre-left, dedicated to social justice, but was also a champion of liberty and an opponent of the nanny-state, says Baroness Williams
Syria civil war: The harrowing testament of a five-year-old victim of this endless conflict

The harrowing testament of a five-year-old victim of Syria's endless civil war

Sahar Qanbar lost her mother and brother as civilians and government soldiers fought side by side after being surrounded by brutal Islamist fighters. Robert Fisk visited her
The future of songwriting: How streaming is changing everything we know about making music

The future of songwriting

How streaming is changing everything we know about making music
William Shemin and Henry Johnson: Jewish and black soldiers receive World War I Medal of Honor amid claims of discrimination

Recognition at long last

Jewish and black soldiers who fought in WWI finally receive medals after claims of discrimination
Beating obesity: The new pacemaker which helps over-eaters

Beating obesity

The new pacemaker which helps over-eaters
9 best women's festival waterproofs

Ready for rain: 9 best women's festival waterproofs

These are the macs to keep your denim dry and your hair frizz-free(ish)
Cycling World Hour Record: Nervous Sir Bradley Wiggins ready for pain as he prepares to go distance

Wiggins worried

Nervous Sir Bradley ready for pain as he prepares to attempt cycling's World Hour Record
Liverpool close in on Milner signing

Liverpool close in on Milner signing

Reds baulk at Christian Benteke £32.5m release clause
On your feet! Spending at least two hours a day standing reduces the risk of heart attacks, cancer and diabetes, according to new research

On your feet!

Spending half the day standing 'reduces risk of heart attacks and cancer'
With scores of surgeries closing, what hope is there for the David Cameron's promise of 5,000 more GPs and a 24/7 NHS?

The big NHS question

Why are there so few new GPs when so many want to study medicine?
Big knickers are back: Thongs ain't what they used to be

Thongs ain't what they used to be

Big knickers are back
Thurston Moore interview

Thurston Moore interview

On living in London, Sonic Youth and musical memoirs
In full bloom

In full bloom

Floral print womenswear
From leading man to Elephant Man, Bradley Cooper is terrific

From leading man to Elephant Man

Bradley Cooper is terrific