Batten down the hatches – its Defcon Crimbo

Related Topics

Here comes the Christmas juggernaut. Batten down the hatches. Raise the mistletoe. Double the electricity bill on exterior festive lighting. I'm very bah humbug regarding Christmas whereas Stacey is full steam ahead – Defcon Crimbo.

I think her Thanksgiving holiday is far more special. It's a day where all the family get together and sit down for a big meal. No presents, no panic, no religion, no pressure. Christmas stresses me out and I'm not sure why? It's partly that feeling of having to have a good time that makes me contrary – that and the fact that I'm basically a miserable git.

My favourite moment so far has been driving past a house that was festooned with tacky lights and giant inflatable snowmen and Father Christmases. The house next door just had a large red arrow pointing at the glitter house with the word "Twat" next to it. That, to me is how to celebrate Christmas the British way.

I have one rule at Christmas: "Don't buy me clothing". Despite this, every year Stacey buys me clothing that I loathe but have to wear twice so as not to hurt her feelings. I have a cupboard full of these neglected items that makes it look as if some Sloane estate agent is secretly living in my house. It's an interesting insight into what my wife would like me to look like were I more malleable in the fashion department. Put it this way, I would have a lot of gilets, get a job on Countryfile in a flash and get lots of suspicious looks when I picked up the kids from school.

I have done one good thing this Christmas. We drove up to London and took my mum out to tea at Claridge's. I was secretly rather worried that it would be over-priced and over-hyped. Although it certainly wasn't cheap it was worth every penny. My kids actually dressed up for the occasion without prompting (and even looked a little too square for my liking but you didn't hear that from me). We kicked off with perfectly cut sandwiches that were the best I have ever tasted. This was followed by a plethora of wonderful sweet things, champagne, tea, and hot chocolate and marshmallows for the kids.

It was Christmas heaven and a memory we'll keep for a long time. My favourite moment was watching the wealthy residents of this, a very pricey hotel, sneaking into the tearoom to fill a bag up from the freebie sweet counter. However rich you get, everyone still loves a freebie. The over-the top Christmas tree designed by Dolce and Gabbana was possibly a little much but I'm nit-picking. This, after all, is a hotel that provides you with matching Burberry macs in your room should you wish to wander around the capital looking like Inspector Gadget waiting to be mugged.

I think I have done well with the Christmas presents this year. I have still never been forgiven for the panic buys I made when returning from South Africa about 10 years ago. Stacey got a plug-in Skype phone and some unidentifiable face cream. I will never make that mistake again.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Business Development Executive / Digital Marketing Executive

£26000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A luxury beauty house with a nu...

Recruitment Genius: Housekeepers - Immediate Start

£8 per hour: Recruitment Genius: This company are currently recruiting new exp...

Recruitment Genius: Head Concierge

£25000 - £28000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This award winning Property Man...

Recruitment Genius: Content, SEO and PPC Executive

£20000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A fantastic opportunity has ari...

Day In a Page

Read Next

Clean energy should be our mission to the moon

Martin Rees
Angela Merkel and David Cameron say goodbye in the Bundeskanzleramt after their meeting in Berlin, Germany, 29 May 2015  

The complacency of Europhiles could lose them the referendum

Steve Richards
On your feet! Spending at least two hours a day standing reduces the risk of heart attacks, cancer and diabetes, according to new research

On your feet!

Spending half the day standing 'reduces risk of heart attacks and cancer'
Liverpool close in on Milner signing

Liverpool close in on Milner signing

Reds baulk at Christian Benteke £32.5m release clause
With scores of surgeries closing, what hope is there for the David Cameron's promise of 5,000 more GPs and a 24/7 NHS?

The big NHS question

Why are there so few new GPs when so many want to study medicine?
Big knickers are back: Thongs ain't what they used to be

Thongs ain't what they used to be

Big knickers are back
Thurston Moore interview

Thurston Moore interview

On living in London, Sonic Youth and musical memoirs
In full bloom

In full bloom

Floral print womenswear
From leading man to Elephant Man, Bradley Cooper is terrific

From leading man to Elephant Man

Bradley Cooper is terrific
In this the person to restore our trust in the banks?

In this the person to restore our trust in the banks?

Dame Colette Bowe - interview
When do the creative juices dry up?

When do the creative juices dry up?

David Lodge thinks he knows
The 'Cher moment' happening across fashion just now

Fashion's Cher moment

Ageing beauty will always be more classy than all that booty
Thousands of teenage girls enduring debilitating illnesses after routine school cancer vaccination

Health fears over school cancer jab

Shock new Freedom of Information figures show how thousands of girls have suffered serious symptoms after routine HPV injection
Fifa President Sepp Blatter warns his opponents: 'I forgive everyone, but I don't forget'

'I forgive everyone, but I don't forget'

Fifa president Sepp Blatter issues defiant warning to opponents
Extreme summer temperatures will soon cause deaths of up to 1,700 more Britons a year, says government report

Weather warning

Extreme summer temperatures will soon cause deaths of up to 1,700 more Britons a year, says government report
LSD: Speaking to volunteer users of the drug as trials get underway to see if it cures depression and addiction

High hopes for LSD

Meet the volunteer users helping to see if it cures depression and addiction
German soldier who died fighting for UK in Battle of Waterloo should be removed from museum display and given dignified funeral, say historians

Saving Private Brandt

A Belgian museum's display of the skeleton of a soldier killed at Waterloo prompts calls for him to be given a dignified funeral