Being poor isn’t hard – skin the cat and make a cosy hat!

The Department for Making The Poor Poorer has been very busy recently

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, while everyone is getting into such a lather about the “bedroom tax”, soon to be imposed on anyone who receives benefits, lives in social housing, and is deemed to have a “spare room”, I would, instead, like to heartily congratulate the superb work of this Government’s extraordinarily hard-working Department for Making The Poor Poorer, whose sheer genius is beyond doubt, surely.

The Department for Making The Poor Poorer is, for those who don’t know, situated in the Treasury, next door to the Department for Making The Rich Richer, and when civil servants from the Department for Making The Poor Poorer encounter civil servants from the Department for Making The Rich Richer in a corridor, say, or one of those little, communal Formica kitchens with a kettle, they will often high-five each other, and go: “Yay!”, as they both see themselves as working towards a common goal. Indeed, weren’t they briefed by David Cameron himself, who said they could not rest and he would not rest until the gap between rich and poor was so staggeringly colossal it was visible from space, “and we could say, sit on that, Great Wall of China!”.

And didn’t George Osborne add: “There is no greater pleasure than watching that gap widen every single day, and I include counting out my cummerbunds, and sniffing them a bit. Plus, I would also like to say: ‘Sit on that, Great Wall of China!’ one day.”

So, as the Making the Rich Richer department has been furiously working away at letting bankers off the hook while quickly seeing off the proposed mansion tax, the Making the Poor Poorer department has come up with one genius scheme after another: a bedroom tax, doubling the price of lottery tickets, cuts to council tax and disability benefits and, shortly, a “How To” guide on making a week’s meals and all your children’s clothing from next door’s cat, which can be easily knifed and skinned, once you have the know-how. (I have the know-how and have been wearing a hat of cat all winter, which has reduced my heating bills; think about it, you could get an entire onesie from a dog!).

Anyway, I hope you will appreciate the Department for Making the Poor Poorer a little more from now on. Still, if you do have a “spare room” yet don’t wish to downsize to a property that actually doesn’t exist in the current social housing market, you may wish to consider simply bricking it up. This technique has worked before. It could work again.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Guru Careers: Account Manager

£30 - 38k (DOE): Guru Careers: We are seeking a digitally focussed Account Man...

Recruitment Genius: Web Developer - Java

£24000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This exciting and disruptive co...

Recruitment Genius: Web Developer - PHP / MySQL / HTML / CSS

£23000 - £28000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Due to expansion, this digital ...

Recruitment Genius: Receptionist / Cashier

£16500 - £19500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: One of the South East's leading...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Daily catch-up: Ancient Labour rivalries – Bevan versus Morrison

John Rentoul
Labour leadership hopefuls, from left, Yvette Cooper, Liz Kendall, Andy Burnham and Jeremy Corbyn on the BBC  

If you’re thinking of voting for Jeremy Corbyn, here are my promises to you

Andy Burnham
A groundbreaking study of 'Britain's Atlantis' long buried at the bottom of the North Sea could revolutionise how we see our prehistoric past

Britain's Atlantis

Scientific study beneath North Sea could revolutionise how we see the past
The Queen has 'done and said nothing that anybody will remember,' says Starkey

The Queen has 'done and said nothing that anybody will remember'

David Starkey's assessment
Oliver Sacks said his life has been 'an enormous privilege and adventure'

'An enormous privilege and adventure'

Oliver Sacks writing about his life
'Gibraltar is British, and it is going to stay British forever'

'Gibraltar is British, and it is going to stay British forever'

The Rock's Chief Minister hits back at Spanish government's 'lies'
Britain is still addicted to 'dirty coal'

Britain still addicted to 'dirty' coal

Biggest energy suppliers are more dependent on fossil fuel than a decade ago
Orthorexia nervosa: How becoming obsessed with healthy eating can lead to malnutrition

Orthorexia nervosa

How becoming obsessed with healthy eating can lead to malnutrition
Lady Chatterley is not obscene, says TV director

Lady Chatterley’s Lover

Director Jed Mercurio on why DH Lawrence's novel 'is not an obscene story'
Farmers in tropical forests are training ants to kill off bigger pests

Set a pest to catch a pest

Farmers in tropical forests are training ants to kill off bigger pests
Mexico: A culture that celebrates darkness as an essential part of life

The dark side of Mexico

A culture that celebrates darkness as an essential part of life
Being sexually assaulted was not your fault, Chrissie Hynde. Don't tell other victims it was theirs

Being sexually assaulted was not your fault, Chrissie Hynde

Please don't tell other victims it was theirs
A nap a day could save your life - and here's why

A nap a day could save your life

A midday nap is 'associated with reduced blood pressure'
If men are so obsessed by sex, why do they clam up when confronted with the grisly realities?

If men are so obsessed by sex...

...why do they clam up when confronted with the grisly realities?
The comedy titans of Avalon on their attempt to save BBC3

Jon Thoday and Richard Allen-Turner

The comedy titans of Avalon on their attempt to save BBC3
The bathing machine is back... but with a difference

Rolling in the deep

The bathing machine is back but with a difference
Part-privatised tests, new age limits, driverless cars: Tories plot motoring revolution

Conservatives plot a motoring revolution

Draft report reveals biggest reform to regulations since driving test introduced in 1935