Bridezillas, I now pronounce you the bane of my life

The very worst example of wedding greed comes in the form of the wedding gift list, which is a smart name for begging

Share
Related Topics

A newlywed couple in Canada have slammed one of their guests for giving them a hamper filled with fun treats rather than cash as their wedding gift.

They texted their now former friend to say: “I'm not sure if it's the first wedding you have been to, but for your next wedding... People give envelopes (of cash). I lost out on $200 covering you and your date’s plate... And got fluffy whip and sour patch kids in return. Just a heads up for the future :)” The bride-monster then states: “Weddings are to make money for your future.. Not to pay for peoples meals. You were the talk and laugh of the whole wedding!!!! Worst gift ever story Is being passed along to everyone!!”

Weddings are to make money for your future? The hell they are! I understand the couple in question are originally from Italy and Croatia. Envelopes of money are the custom in a number of countries around the world (isn’t that revolting?) but the same kind of foul, cynical, greedy expectation can be found – if in a more subtle guise – at UK weddings.

The mistake too many brides make is to think that their wedding is a gift to all those invited and therefore they deserve remuneration. Their addled brains think their finely-tuned bonanza of self-indulgence is every bit as meaningful and exciting for her guests as it is for herself. She forgets that most of those attending are only there because it would be rude not to turn up; that if they had the choice they would be in the pub or at home watching TV with a pizza; that the only real draw to the reception is the free food and booze and the chance to see old mates.

Brides must remember that their wedding day is essentially a groundhog day-like repetition of tired clichés, despite their best efforts to make their day unique. The crazy white dress, the giggle when the vicar asks that question (tee hee), the photographs where family and friends are split up in an absurd apartheid where the hated brother is given higher standing than the adored best friend, the yawnful speeches, the dreaded first dance, the cutting of the bloody sponge. None of this…NONE of this…is orchestrated for the benefit of the guests. The whole day, and rightly so perhaps, is designed around the bride and groom…mostly the bride. But the danger comes when the couple forget that fact. If you want a day to revolve around your every whim and caprice then don’t expect me to pay for it.

It begins before the big day has even kicked off. If the stag decides he wants to throw a party in Las Vegas, then everyone is expected to go. And if you can’t afford the £2,000 price tag, he’ll understand of course – in a hurt, freezing cold kind of way. And if they want to get married in Spain, they’ll get bloody married in Spain, and isn’t that great news for you? You get a holiday…which you would never have booked and which you must pay for. Ah, but it’s their wedding day so we must all go along with their maniacal demands on our time and finances.

The very worst example of wedding greed comes in the form of the wedding gift list, which is a smart name for begging. You’re basically no better than a child running around a shop screaming “I want, I want, I want!” If I am coming to your wedding (and it had better be the whole thing; I don’t attend reception-only events, who the hell do you think I am?) then I will buy you an appropriate gift of my choosing. In fact, since it’s probably cost me quite a wodge to get there in the first place and since I’ll have to pay hotel prices for rat pee wine all night, I shall probably get you nothing. My mere attendance is your gift. The smiling mask I wear as you drag your princess costume around the parquet to Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing is also a gift which comes at great personal expense.

I think the Canadian woman who gave her ungrateful friend the hamper spells it out perfectly in her reply to the crazed bride’s text message: “it's obvious you have the etiquette of a twig, I couldn't care less of what you think about the gift you received, "normal" people would welcome anything given, you wanna have a party, you pay for it, DON'T expect me to!”

Exactly. It’s your party and your wedding, not my holiday and not a free shopping trip.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: Technical Presales Consultant - London - £65,000 OTE.

£65000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Technical Presales Engineer - central London ...

Recruitment Genius: Physiotherapist / Sports Therapist

£20000 - £50000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Physiotherapist / Sports Ther...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Executive / Advisor

£8 - £9 per hour: Recruitment Genius: Sales Executives / Advisors are required...

Recruitment Genius: Warehouse Operative

£14000 - £15000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An opportunity has arisen for a...

Day In a Page

Read Next
One 200ml bottle of codeine linctus contains three times the equivalent level of morphine you'd get in casualty if you broke your wrist  

The ‘war on drugs’ consistently ignores its greatest enemy: over-the-counter painkillers

Janet Street-Porter
The author contemplating what could have been  

I was a timid, kind, gentle-natured child, later to be spurned and humiliated – in short, the perfect terrorist-in-waiting

Howard Jacobson
Homeless Veterans campaign: Donations hit record-breaking £1m target after £300,000 gift from Lloyds Bank

Homeless Veterans campaign

Donations hit record-breaking £1m target after huge gift from Lloyds Bank
Flight MH370 a year on: Lost without a trace – but the search goes on

Lost without a trace

But, a year on, the search continues for Flight MH370
Germany's spymasters left red-faced after thieves break into brand new secret service HQ and steal taps

Germany's spy HQ springs a leak

Thieves break into new €1.5bn complex... to steal taps
International Women's Day 2015: Celebrating the whirlwind wit of Simone de Beauvoir

Whirlwind wit of Simone de Beauvoir

Simone de Beauvoir's seminal feminist polemic, 'The Second Sex', has been published in short-form for International Women's Day
Mark Zuckerberg’s hiring policy might suit him – but it wouldn’t work for me

Mark Zuckerberg’s hiring policy might suit him – but it wouldn’t work for me

Why would I want to employ someone I’d be happy to have as my boss, asks Simon Kelner
Confessions of a planespotter: With three Britons under arrest in the UAE, the perils have never been more apparent

Confessions of a planespotter

With three Britons under arrest in the UAE, the perils have never been more apparent. Sam Masters explains the appeal
Russia's gulag museum 'makes no mention' of Stalin's atrocities

Russia's gulag museum

Ministry of Culture-run site 'makes no mention' of Stalin's atrocities
The big fresh food con: Alarming truth behind the chocolate muffin that won't decay

The big fresh food con

Joanna Blythman reveals the alarming truth behind the chocolate muffin that won't decay
Virginia Ironside was my landlady: What is it like to live with an agony aunt on call 24/7?

Virginia Ironside was my landlady

Tim Willis reveals what it's like to live with an agony aunt on call 24/7
Paris Fashion Week 2015: The wit and wisdom of Manish Arora's exercise in high camp

Paris Fashion Week 2015

The wit and wisdom of Manish Arora's exercise in high camp
8 best workout DVDs

8 best workout DVDs

If your 'New Year new you' regime hasn’t lasted beyond February, why not try working out from home?
Paul Scholes column: I don't believe Jonny Evans was spitting at Papiss Cissé. It was a reflex. But what the Newcastle striker did next was horrible

Paul Scholes column

I don't believe Evans was spitting at Cissé. It was a reflex. But what the Newcastle striker did next was horrible
Miguel Layun interview: From the Azteca to Vicarage Road with a million followers

From the Azteca to Vicarage Road with a million followers

Miguel Layun is a star in Mexico where he was criticised for leaving to join Watford. But he says he sees the bigger picture
Frank Warren column: Amir Khan ready to meet winner of Floyd Mayweather v Manny Pacquiao

Khan ready to meet winner of Mayweather v Pacquiao

The Bolton fighter is unlikely to take on Kell Brook with two superstar opponents on the horizon, says Frank Warren
War with Isis: Iraq's government fights to win back Tikrit from militants - but then what?

Baghdad fights to win back Tikrit from Isis – but then what?

Patrick Cockburn reports from Kirkuk on a conflict which sectarianism has made intractable