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Bridezillas, I now pronounce you the bane of my life

The very worst example of wedding greed comes in the form of the wedding gift list, which is a smart name for begging

A newlywed couple in Canada have slammed one of their guests for giving them a hamper filled with fun treats rather than cash as their wedding gift.

They texted their now former friend to say: “I'm not sure if it's the first wedding you have been to, but for your next wedding... People give envelopes (of cash). I lost out on $200 covering you and your date’s plate... And got fluffy whip and sour patch kids in return. Just a heads up for the future :)” The bride-monster then states: “Weddings are to make money for your future.. Not to pay for peoples meals. You were the talk and laugh of the whole wedding!!!! Worst gift ever story Is being passed along to everyone!!”

Weddings are to make money for your future? The hell they are! I understand the couple in question are originally from Italy and Croatia. Envelopes of money are the custom in a number of countries around the world (isn’t that revolting?) but the same kind of foul, cynical, greedy expectation can be found – if in a more subtle guise – at UK weddings.

The mistake too many brides make is to think that their wedding is a gift to all those invited and therefore they deserve remuneration. Their addled brains think their finely-tuned bonanza of self-indulgence is every bit as meaningful and exciting for her guests as it is for herself. She forgets that most of those attending are only there because it would be rude not to turn up; that if they had the choice they would be in the pub or at home watching TV with a pizza; that the only real draw to the reception is the free food and booze and the chance to see old mates.

Brides must remember that their wedding day is essentially a groundhog day-like repetition of tired clichés, despite their best efforts to make their day unique. The crazy white dress, the giggle when the vicar asks that question (tee hee), the photographs where family and friends are split up in an absurd apartheid where the hated brother is given higher standing than the adored best friend, the yawnful speeches, the dreaded first dance, the cutting of the bloody sponge. None of this…NONE of this…is orchestrated for the benefit of the guests. The whole day, and rightly so perhaps, is designed around the bride and groom…mostly the bride. But the danger comes when the couple forget that fact. If you want a day to revolve around your every whim and caprice then don’t expect me to pay for it.

It begins before the big day has even kicked off. If the stag decides he wants to throw a party in Las Vegas, then everyone is expected to go. And if you can’t afford the £2,000 price tag, he’ll understand of course – in a hurt, freezing cold kind of way. And if they want to get married in Spain, they’ll get bloody married in Spain, and isn’t that great news for you? You get a holiday…which you would never have booked and which you must pay for. Ah, but it’s their wedding day so we must all go along with their maniacal demands on our time and finances.

The very worst example of wedding greed comes in the form of the wedding gift list, which is a smart name for begging. You’re basically no better than a child running around a shop screaming “I want, I want, I want!” If I am coming to your wedding (and it had better be the whole thing; I don’t attend reception-only events, who the hell do you think I am?) then I will buy you an appropriate gift of my choosing. In fact, since it’s probably cost me quite a wodge to get there in the first place and since I’ll have to pay hotel prices for rat pee wine all night, I shall probably get you nothing. My mere attendance is your gift. The smiling mask I wear as you drag your princess costume around the parquet to Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing is also a gift which comes at great personal expense.

I think the Canadian woman who gave her ungrateful friend the hamper spells it out perfectly in her reply to the crazed bride’s text message: “it's obvious you have the etiquette of a twig, I couldn't care less of what you think about the gift you received, "normal" people would welcome anything given, you wanna have a party, you pay for it, DON'T expect me to!”

Exactly. It’s your party and your wedding, not my holiday and not a free shopping trip.