Dear Kate, after Leveson, the only name is Brian

If the royal couple truly want to create a perception of classlessness, they should go for an ordinary name

Share

How could we men be so stupid? There we were, pondering on the wisdom of statutory underpinning for self-regulation of the Press, or wondering whether Rafa Benitez might have the shortest tenure of any Premier League manager in history, and we missed the big news of the moment. If we believe what we're told, every woman in the land knew. Kate Middleton's new hairdo could mean only one thing. And it wasn't because she's having building work at the marital home, even though, after a hard day arguing with a builder with Capital Gold blaring in the background, anyone could be excused for seeking solace in an hour or so in the chair while Raymond of Mayfair got to work with the scissors and the blow dryer. No, as the world now knows, the visit to the coiffeur was a harbinger of pregnancy, and I am grateful to the Daily Mail, ever the oracle on matters Royal, for making me aware of the relationship between hairdressing and gynaecology.

Quite simply, fringe = baby. Or, as one of their correspondents yesterday put it: "With this fringe was a woman surreptitiously signalling readiness for greater commitment". Who knew the role of the coiffeur in Royal succession?

And now there isn't a man in the land who, when his partner returns home with a remodelled barnet, won't be wondering whether the new glossy tresses signify something of deep import.

But back to the couple of the moment, who will be having the first Royal baby (or maybe babies: apparently Kate's current acute sickness - and not the centre parting - indicates that twins may be on the way) of the modern, non-sexist era. He, she, or they will be born into a world where official announcements are made via Twitter, 140 characters now deemed entirely sufficient to keep one's subjects informed. And, thanks to David Cameron's efforts, the little Cambridge will be third in line to the throne, whether boy or girl. The rules of succession will be changed by Parliament allowing for equality between the sexes when it comes to Royal ascension, and notwithstanding that this pushes Harry further down the line (how much fun would he be as a monarch!), this is clearly a step in the right direction for a family in the 21st Century.

We are being invited to think, too, that Kate's non-aristocratic background will ensure that the future heir will have a "normal" upbringing.

Well, up to a point, but first there is the question of the baby's name. If they truly want to create the perception of classlessness, they could go for a Josh or a Chloe. If they want to be of the moment, it has to be Hugh or Nadine. But given that the new child is to be brought into a world where phones won't be hacked, where the paparazzi will behave with decorum and decency, and where the Press will neither intrude nor breach privacy, there can only be one choice if the couple are blessed with a boy.

Thank you, Lord Justice Leveson, and, to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, a bouncing baby boy called Brian.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Volunteer your expertise as Trustee for The Society of Experimental Biology

Unpaid Voluntary Position : Reach Volunteering: Promising volunteer Trustee op...

Email Designer

£30000 - £35000 Per Annum: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our client is curr...

Psychology Teacher

£110 - £130 per hour: Randstad Education Reading: Psychology Teacher needed fo...

Food Technology Teacher

£85 - £120 per day: Randstad Education Cheshire: Randstad Education are curren...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

i Editor's Letter: The rules were simple: before the results are announced, don’t mention the S-word

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
Howard Jacobson has been shortlisted for the Man Booker Prize for the second time  

In praise of Howard Jacobson

Simon Kelner
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments
These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
How to make a Lego masterpiece

How to make a Lego masterpiece

Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam
'She was a singer, a superstar, an addict, but to me, her mother, she is simply Amy'

'She was a singer, a superstar, an addict, but to me, her mother, she is simply Amy'

Exclusive extract from Janis Winehouse's poignant new memoir
Is this the role to win Cumberbatch an Oscar?

Is this the role to win Cumberbatch an Oscar?

The Imitation Game, film review
England and Roy Hodgson take a joint step towards redemption in Basel

England and Hodgson take a joint step towards redemption

Welbeck double puts England on the road to Euro 2016
Relatives fight over Vivian Maier’s rare photos

Relatives fight over Vivian Maier’s rare photos

Pictures removed from public view as courts decide ownership
‘Fashion has to be fun. It’s a big business, not a cure for cancer’

‘Fashion has to be fun. It’s a big business, not a cure for cancer’

Donatella Versace at New York Fashion Week