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Dear Messrs Bieber, Pattinson and 1D...

Memphis Barker intercepts a warning letter to the stars on behalf of a powerful body
  • @memphisbarker

Our members love you. You know this. They send you baroque, home-made gifts, buy £9.99 singing toothbrushes with your faces on, and turn up to gigs and films that most of their families (and, indeed, their union representatives) can't see the point of. But be warned. A life-consuming love affair with the air-brushed image of handsome young men can stretch only so far.

We address our first complaint to Mr Pattinson. Our members have suspected for some time that Mr Pattinson (popularly known as R-Patz) does not glean quite the same level of pleasure from Twilight as they do. There was that unfortunate video, edited to compile all Mr Pattinson's disparaging remarks. There is the Tumblr, known as Robert Pattinson Hates His Life that further exhibits moments when – not to mince words – Mr Pattinson's tongue slipped. No, not into a Twihard's mouth. But into condemnation of Stephenie Meyer's transformative vampire series and his role in it.

Our members would like to put it on the record that they have so far turned a blind eye to all of this.

But, in good conscience, his latest remark cannot be ignored. Perhaps Mr Pattinson thought that by speaking to a German magazine, Interview, our members would be unaware of it. If so, we take this opportunity to remind him of both our clients' voracious reading habits and of the existence of Google Translate.

To recap, Mr Pattinson has stated: "Sometimes I ask myself what these masses of people do the whole day. They sit in front of their computers and comment on anything having even remotely to do with Twilight."

This, shall we say, has proved distressing to our members. It comes after a rough period. We have already sent a letter to Mr Bieber regarding the globule of spit he sent over a Canadian balcony on to the heads of young Beliebers earlier this month. Furthermore, many Directioners have reported feelings of distress over their treatment in the Channel 4 documentary Crazy About One Direction that was shown recently.

We understand that Messrs Pattinson, Bieber, and One Direction lead lives of 24/7 cocktail-drinking and expensive taxi rides, but at this point we feel compelled to remind the addressees that, at some ages, the most excitement one can find of an evening is mooning over Edward Cullen's porcelain skin or, less frequently, screaming in a shopping mall at Mr Bieber. Or, indeed, spending money on said gentlemen's products. All we ask for our members is, to quote an artist many cannot name, a little R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

We remain, sirs

The Union of Obsessive Fans