Dislike Rihanna? Husband doesn't love you enough? Be your own Liz Jones with PimpMyFamily

Confessional journalism and Liz Jones’s new book have inspired a business idea...

Share

If you ask me, with all the current publicity surrounding the Daily Mail’s confessional columnist Liz Jones as she publishes her latest book, and that woman who wrote yesterday in the Daily Mail about how she’s had four children with her husband and they’re still together but she doesn’t think he’s ever loved her, which must be nice for the kids to read – obviously, I consume every single word of all of these, and will not tolerate any interruption – I had a brilliant idea which has not only set me up with a nice little business, but also provides a public service. And this is PimpYourFamily.com.

Here, at PimpYourFamily.com, we take pimping your family so seriously we’ve even made certain our office (Bloomsbury) provides full disabled access, in case you have an elderly, sick mother in a wheelchair you wish to pimp. (I don’t have an elderly, sick mother in a wheelchair, as it happens, but if it did, I’d pimp her like a shot.) Anyway, we offer everything from advice on who to pimp – do you, for example, have a husband who sometimes can’t get it up? A sister who has always hated you for being so pretty and slim? A brother who’s a total loser? – to a full brokerage service. This service, which is available to gold members only, will liaise between, on the one hand, editors desperate to increase website traffic and crank up Twitter outrage and, on the other, anyone who, say, has two daughters, prefers one, considers the financial incentive, and opts to broadcast this to the world.

“Way to go, mum!” we will say, should you consult PimpMyFamily.com, and then you can safely leave the rest to us. We will, for instance, not only arrange all the photography, but will ensure that, when it comes out in the paper, the least favourite daughter is captioned with “Least Favourite Daughter” just so there is no mistake. (Think how awful it would be for the favourite daughter if everyone thought it was her!) Alternatively, if you have a son who is being bullied at school, we can arrange to have him photographed in his distinctive uniform outside that school, although we rather think this goes without saying. We’d be rubbish if we didn’t do that!

So, we hope you will employ this service, and if you don’t have any family you wish to pimp, don’t fret, as we have plans to broaden our remit with PimpYourFriends.com and PimpOtherMothersOnThe SchoolRun.com. There truly is something for everybody, pimping wise, although do avoid PimpYourselfByAllMeansButLeaveItThere.com as they are nothing to do with us, and useless. They don’t even provide disabled access, for heaven’s sake!

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Refrigeration Engineer

£24000 - £32000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: These refrigeration specialists...

Recruitment Genius: Operations Coordinator - Logistics and Supply Chain

£30000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an operational role and...

Recruitment Genius: CNC Sheet Metal Worker / Fabricator

£18000 - £22000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Working within the workshop of ...

Recruitment Genius: 1st / 2nd Line IT Support Engineer

£20000 - £28000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This specialist high tech compa...

Day In a Page

Read Next
A Cafe Nero coffee store in central London  

Caffè Nero’s craven cowardice over badger culling has made me tear up my loyalty card

Jane Merrick
Charles Kennedy unveiling the Lib Dems' election campaign poster on March 22, 2005 in London  

Charles Kennedy: My friend – a politician who didn’t seem like a politician

Simon Kelner
On your feet! Spending at least two hours a day standing reduces the risk of heart attacks, cancer and diabetes, according to new research

On your feet!

Spending half the day standing 'reduces risk of heart attacks and cancer'
Liverpool close in on Milner signing

Liverpool close in on Milner signing

Reds baulk at Christian Benteke £32.5m release clause
With scores of surgeries closing, what hope is there for the David Cameron's promise of 5,000 more GPs and a 24/7 NHS?

The big NHS question

Why are there so few new GPs when so many want to study medicine?
Big knickers are back: Thongs ain't what they used to be

Thongs ain't what they used to be

Big knickers are back
Thurston Moore interview

Thurston Moore interview

On living in London, Sonic Youth and musical memoirs
In full bloom

In full bloom

Floral print womenswear
From leading man to Elephant Man, Bradley Cooper is terrific

From leading man to Elephant Man

Bradley Cooper is terrific
In this the person to restore our trust in the banks?

In this the person to restore our trust in the banks?

Dame Colette Bowe - interview
When do the creative juices dry up?

When do the creative juices dry up?

David Lodge thinks he knows
The 'Cher moment' happening across fashion just now

Fashion's Cher moment

Ageing beauty will always be more classy than all that booty
Thousands of teenage girls enduring debilitating illnesses after routine school cancer vaccination

Health fears over school cancer jab

Shock new Freedom of Information figures show how thousands of girls have suffered serious symptoms after routine HPV injection
Fifa President Sepp Blatter warns his opponents: 'I forgive everyone, but I don't forget'

'I forgive everyone, but I don't forget'

Fifa president Sepp Blatter issues defiant warning to opponents
Extreme summer temperatures will soon cause deaths of up to 1,700 more Britons a year, says government report

Weather warning

Extreme summer temperatures will soon cause deaths of up to 1,700 more Britons a year, says government report
LSD: Speaking to volunteer users of the drug as trials get underway to see if it cures depression and addiction

High hopes for LSD

Meet the volunteer users helping to see if it cures depression and addiction
German soldier who died fighting for UK in Battle of Waterloo should be removed from museum display and given dignified funeral, say historians

Saving Private Brandt

A Belgian museum's display of the skeleton of a soldier killed at Waterloo prompts calls for him to be given a dignified funeral