If you ask me, with all the current publicity surrounding the Daily Mail’s confessional columnist Liz Jones as she publishes her latest book, and that woman who wrote yesterday in the Daily Mail about how she’s had four children with her husband and they’re still together but she doesn’t think he’s ever loved her, which must be nice for the kids to read – obviously, I consume every single word of all of these, and will not tolerate any interruption – I had a brilliant idea which has not only set me up with a nice little business, but also provides a public service. And this is PimpYourFamily.com.
Here, at PimpYourFamily.com, we take pimping your family so seriously we’ve even made certain our office (Bloomsbury) provides full disabled access, in case you have an elderly, sick mother in a wheelchair you wish to pimp. (I don’t have an elderly, sick mother in a wheelchair, as it happens, but if it did, I’d pimp her like a shot.) Anyway, we offer everything from advice on who to pimp – do you, for example, have a husband who sometimes can’t get it up? A sister who has always hated you for being so pretty and slim? A brother who’s a total loser? – to a full brokerage service. This service, which is available to gold members only, will liaise between, on the one hand, editors desperate to increase website traffic and crank up Twitter outrage and, on the other, anyone who, say, has two daughters, prefers one, considers the financial incentive, and opts to broadcast this to the world.
“Way to go, mum!” we will say, should you consult PimpMyFamily.com, and then you can safely leave the rest to us. We will, for instance, not only arrange all the photography, but will ensure that, when it comes out in the paper, the least favourite daughter is captioned with “Least Favourite Daughter” just so there is no mistake. (Think how awful it would be for the favourite daughter if everyone thought it was her!) Alternatively, if you have a son who is being bullied at school, we can arrange to have him photographed in his distinctive uniform outside that school, although we rather think this goes without saying. We’d be rubbish if we didn’t do that!
So, we hope you will employ this service, and if you don’t have any family you wish to pimp, don’t fret, as we have plans to broaden our remit with PimpYourFriends.com and PimpOtherMothersOnThe SchoolRun.com. There truly is something for everybody, pimping wise, although do avoid PimpYourselfByAllMeansButLeaveItThere.com as they are nothing to do with us, and useless. They don’t even provide disabled access, for heaven’s sake!