Four words I hate: detox, spa and paper pants

 

Share
Related Topics

If I’m honest, I rather overdid things over the holidays. Three weeks in Hong Kong and Thailand living as though the British empire was still afloat had done me in. So I was packed off for 10 days to detox in Italy.

The very idea of doing any detox in Italy is absurd, as you are surrounded by some of the finest food and wine known to man. I suppose in some ways, it’s payback time. A couple of years ago, Stacey and I went for a three-day break in a very nice hotel near Siena. We were there to spoil ourselves. I was unaware that half the clientele was there on a fasting week.

To make things worse, the  Gordon Ramsay restaurant was separated from the fasting room by a wall that only went half-way up to the roof. The screams of despair when my Tuscan steak was delivered to the table is something I will never forget.

Fortunately, in my current institution … sorry spa, things are kept very separate. Supposedly there are normal people staying here and enjoying fabulous food somewhere, but they have been well hidden.

My relaxation break didn’t start well, as the M4 was at a standstill because a car had cut a horse in half. Although clearly far more stressful for the horse, it meant that I arrived at the airport with seconds to spare. I hate being late. It’s the thing that stresses me out the most in life after … spas.

What am I doing? I do genuinely not enjoy the world of spa. Stacey loves massages and treatments and padding around in a dressing gown drinking apple vinegar water. It seems to give her Scottish Presbyterian soul succour. It makes her feel good. I have a more Mediterranean outlook on life – eat, drink and be merry. It’s a remarkably happy marriage, considering.

The thing I feared happened in the second room I stepped into. A fearsome looking Italian lady in white clinical clothing handed me a tiny packet. “Put on,” she said and left the room. I hoped against hope that it wasn’t what I thought it was – paper pants. These are clearly the medical community’s idea of a joke. I’ve rarely been to any medical establishment where, even if I’m just suffering from a headache or blurred vision, I’m not ordered into paper pants. Someone, somewhere is making a lot of money out of tiny paper pants. I ripped the little package open as fast as I could.

Experience had taught me that there is only one thing worse than wearing paper pants in public and that is to be caught in the middle of getting said paper pants on.

As usual I stared at them for too long. Which way did they go on? They might make sense for women but for men they are a nightmare. I finally opted for the least embarrassing fit just as the Italian lady re-entered the room. I was ordered to lie down and she painted me in mud, wrapped me up in plastic sheets and laid me down on a waterbed that was getting progressively hotter.

“Twenty minutes,” she said, and exited. I had no idea what was going to happen in 20 minutes, but I felt pretty sure that it would  involve another pair of paper pants.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

SSRS Report Developer - Urgent Contract - London - £300pd

£300 Per Annum: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: SSRS Report Developer – 3 Mon...

KS1 Teacher

£95 - £150 per day: Randstad Education Birmingham: Key Stage 1 teacher require...

HR Business Partner - Essex - £39,000 plus benefits

£32000 - £39000 per annum + benefits + bonus: Ashdown Group: Generalist HR Man...

Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£18000 - £30000 per annum + uncapped: SThree: Do you feel like your sales role...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The influx of hundreds of thousands of eastern European workers has significantly altered the composition of some parts of Britain  

Immigration is the issue many in Labour fear most

Nigel Morris
The Lord Mayor of London Fiona Woolf heads the inquiry  

Why should Fiona Woolf be expected to remember every dinner date?

Mark Steel
Wilko Johnson, now the bad news: musician splits with manager after police investigate assault claims

Wilko Johnson, now the bad news

Former Dr Feelgood splits with manager after police investigate assault claims
Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands ahead of the US midterm elections

Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands

The Senator for Colorado is for gay rights, for abortion rights – and in the Republicans’ sights as they threaten to take control of the Senate next month
New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

Evidence found of contact between Easter Islanders and South America
Cerys Matthews reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of Dylan Thomas

Cerys Matthews on Dylan Thomas

The singer reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of the famous Welsh poet
DIY is not fun and we've finally realised this as a nation

Homebase closures: 'DIY is not fun'

Homebase has announced the closure of one in four of its stores. Nick Harding, who never did know his awl from his elbow, is glad to see the back of DIY
The Battle of the Five Armies: Air New Zealand releases new Hobbit-inspired in-flight video

Air New Zealand's wizard in-flight video

The airline has released a new Hobbit-inspired clip dubbed "The most epic safety video ever made"
11 best sonic skincare brushes

11 best sonic skincare brushes

Forget the flannel - take skincare to the next level by using your favourite cleanser with a sonic facial brush
How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?

A crime that reveals London's dark heart

How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?
Meet 'Porridge' and 'Vampire': Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker

Lost in translation: Western monikers

Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker. Simon Usborne, who met a 'Porridge' and a 'Vampire' while in China, can see the problem
Handy hacks that make life easier: New book reveals how to rid your inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone

Handy hacks that make life easier

New book reveals how to rid your email inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone with a loo-roll
KidZania lets children try their hands at being a firefighter, doctor or factory worker for the day

KidZania: It's a small world

The new 'educational entertainment experience' in London's Shepherd's Bush will allow children to try out the jobs that are usually undertaken by adults, including firefighter, doctor or factory worker
Renée Zellweger's real crime has been to age in an industry that prizes women's youth over humanity

'Renée Zellweger's real crime was to age'

The actress's altered appearance raised eyebrows at Elle's Women in Hollywood awards on Monday
From Cinderella to The Jungle Book, Disney plans live-action remakes of animated classics

Disney plans live-action remakes of animated classics

From Cinderella to The Jungle Book, Patrick Grafton-Green wonders if they can ever recapture the old magic
Thousands of teenagers to visit battlefields of the First World War in new Government scheme

Pupils to visit First World War battlefields

A new Government scheme aims to bring the the horrors of the conflict to life over the next five years
The 10 best smartphone accessories

Make the most of your mobile: 10 best smartphone accessories

Try these add-ons for everything from secret charging to making sure you never lose your keys again