From Piers Morgan to ‘amazing’ – 20 of life’s little annoyances

People who don’t know how to operate the barriers at Tube stations. And then feeling annoyed that this annoys you

It was entirely appropriate that, in the day David Cameron vowed to bring the feel-good factor back to Britain, a list was published of the 50 things in the modern world that make us feel happiest. This litany of life’s little pleasures was compiled from a survey of 2,000 adults, and top of the charts was sleeping in a freshly made bed.

There weren’t many surprises. For instance, people liked having a long, hot bath, seeing a rainbow and playing with a pet – but, at the bottom of list, named by 4 per cent of respondents, was the joy of thinking about the Royal Family. Really?

Anyway, this got me thinking. Not about the Royal Family, obviously, but about coming up with a list more in keeping with my mood, or – some might say – persona. So here is my list of life’s not-so-little annoyances:

1. People talking loudly on a mobile phone in a public place. I don’t want to hear the details of your tedious journey/job/life.

2. People talking loudly in a foreign language on a mobile phone in a public place. For some reason it is even more irritating if I can’t understand what you’re saying about your journey/job/life.

3. Inaccurate weather forecasts. You have the technology, so there’s no excuse not to get it right.

4. Cars parked inconsiderately. There’s a website for you. I think you know what it’s called (decency permits me from naming it).

5. Politicians talking about “hard-working families”. Give it a rest, guys. It’s a meaningless phrase.

6. Online petitions. The modern equivalent of a mob.

7. Celebrities announcing that they’re quitting Twitter. Sue Perkins? Who cares?

8. The description of everything as “amazing”.

9. Suitcases with wheels. A menace to other pedestrians on London streets.

10. Piers Morgan. “Whenever a friend succeeds, a little piece of me dies” – Gore Vidal.

11. Changing a mobile phone or provider. Have you tried this recently? The rules have been written by Kafka.

12. Causes with a hashtag. Where are the “Je Suis Charlie” or “Bring Back Our Girls” protestors now?

13. Manchester United. That’s just a personal one.

14. People who don’t know how to operate the barriers at Tube stations. And then feeling annoyed that this annoys you (cf people walking slowly on crowded pavements).

15. Self check-outs at supermarkets. See columns passim. I’ve always got an unexpected item in the bagging area, and I don’t want to conspire to put people out of work.

16. Booking fees for online services. Why? I’ve done all the work.

17. People in restaurants who, when you’re leaving at midnight, say: “Have a lovely evening.” I’ve already had my evening, thank you very much.

18. Automated cinema ticket booking. There must be a better way than making me stand there shouting “Yes” and “No” into a phone.

19. Katie Hopkins. Don’t know who she is or what she does, but I hate the sound of her voice.

20. The modern mania for lists.