There are various groups of people who are constantly being singled out for abuse and oppression by the tyrannical liberals who read newspapers such as this one – including middle class white men, smokers, “hard-working” families, Christians, car drivers and right-wingers. This week it is the turn of drivers to raise their poor, repressed voices in a tiny squeak of victory triumph as the Government – that well-known champion of the voiceless minority – finally strikes a small blow for their freedom.
This tiny voice – worn down from years of crying in the wilderness for life’s basic necessities such as bigger and faster roads and a ban on all of those dangerous cyclists who are well known for constantly maiming innocent lorry drivers – was finally heard as the Commons Transport Select Committee announced some new plans. The committee wants to give motorists a five-minute grace period before they receive a ticket for parking illegally – and to prevent councils from using these parking fines as revenue to pay for other things.
About time! Because it is after all every right-wing middle class white man’s human right to park illegally while nipping out to have a fag after church, and it’s about time those profiteering bastards who manage the budgets of rapacious local councils stop clobbering them with fines just so that they can fritter the money away on such inessentials as libraries, children’s homes, and emergency housing for all those annoying poor people who have been made homeless by the Government’s new cap on benefits. (What’s the point of poor people, anyway? They don’t even drive cars!)
According to Louise Ellman, the committee’s chairwoman: “There is a deep-rooted public perception that parking enforcement is used as a cash cow, so it’s essential local authorities apply stringent transparency.” Too right. There is also a deep-rooted public perception that, say, a quarter of all benefits are fraudulently claimed, so obviously we must reduce benefits for legitimate claimants to satisfy the public’s desire to punish the scumbags, even though the real figure is only 70p in every £100 of benefits being fraudulently claimed, and even though penalising legitimate claimants doesn’t prevent fraud. Because of course the public is always right about everything, even when all the research by independent statisticians proves otherwise.
For too long local councils have been allowed to get away with bathing in cash inside City Hall at the expense of the innocent – though not exactly innocent of parking illegally – motorist. In fact this relaxing of the rules should be just the beginning: all motorists should be allowed to park wherever they like, for as long as they like, for nothing. Only then will this persecuted group finally be free – to drive around all day looking for parking spaces.