Hopefully my discontent with winter will be made glorious summer by this boiler repair man

Some people say they like winter because you get to stay inside and watch box sets. I'm sorry to report, those people are wrong

Share
Related Topics

I am writing this sitting in bed, clutching a hot water bottle, wearing a coat within the tight cocoon of my duvet. Typing is a rather more laborious process than usual. This is partly because of the hot-water-bottle clutching and partly because my fingers are so stiff with cold that it’s hard to press the right buttons. Also, it’s quite hard to check for typos, on account of the thick clouds of my own vaporised breath between my eyes and the screen.

As you will know, it has been snowing, and I’m pretty sure it’s the coldest day of the winter, but I can handle a bit of snow, especially when I’m inside. The trouble is that my boiler has chosen today, which, as I think I said, I’m pretty sure is the coldest day of the winter, to pack up. A man has just come to have a look at it. I stood next to him nodding a bit and sucking my teeth at what seemed like the right moments without understanding anything. Despite the tooth-sucking, the boiler still appears to be up the spout. And hence the hot water bottle and the short break I am about to take to find my gloves, which will slow things down still further, but may at least act as a temporary bulwark against frostbite.

 I am not ordinarily a superstitious person, but I am starting to feel a bit got at by the new year and I’m wondering if the figure “13” in the date has anything to do with it. Last week, it was the excitingly varied vomiting routine of the norovirus, about which I will not tell you, since you might be eating your breakfast. Now it’s the boiler, which is related to quite a major damp-proofing issue that looks like it might necessitate the remortgaging of my right arm. Is this how the year is going to go? What will happen next? Can I look forward to a February spent having my toes hacked off with a rusty spoon? Or will the boiler spring back to triumphant life in the middle of August, turning my flat into a convenient Turkish bath? 

Actually, on reflection, I don’t think the year is to blame. I think it’s the winter. Some people say they like it because you get to stay inside and watch box sets, but what they don’t realize is that you can also do this in summer by the simple expedient of not worrying too much if everyone thinks you’re a really depressing person to be around. Unfortunately, since I am congenitally incapable of growing a beard thick enough to keep me warm, I do not have any obvious solutions up my sleeve. Still, I live in hope. Please excuse me while I suggest to the boiler man that he replace the infernal contraption with a time machine and set it for three months’ time.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Mobile Developer (.NET / C# / Jason / Jquery / SOA)

£40000 - £65000 per annum + bonus + benefits + OT: Ampersand Consulting LLP: M...

Humanities Teacher - Greater Manchester

£22800 - £33600 per annum: Randstad Education Manchester Secondary: The JobAt ...

Design Technology Teacher

£22800 - £33600 per annum: Randstad Education Manchester Secondary: Calling al...

Foundation Teacher

£100 - £125 per day: Randstad Education Chelmsford: EYFS Teachers - East Essex...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Letters: Electorate should be given choice on drugs policy

Independent Voices
 

Politicians’ actions speak louder then words on a T-shirt

Boyd Tonkin
The drugs revolution starts now as MPs agree its high time for change

The drugs revolution starts now as MPs agree its high time for change

Commons debate highlights growing cross-party consensus on softening UK drugs legislation, unchanged for 43 years
The camera is turned on tabloid editors in Richard Peppiatt's 'One Rogue Reporter'

Gotcha! The camera is turned on tabloid editors

Hugh Grant says Richard Peppiatt's 'One Rogue Reporter' documentary will highlight issues raised by Leveson
Fall of the Berlin Wall: It was thanks to Mikhail Gorbachev that this symbol of division fell

Fall of the Berlin Wall

It was thanks to Gorbachev that this symbol of division fell
Halloween 2014: What makes Ouija boards, demon dolls, and evil clowns so frightening?

What makes ouija boards and demon dolls scary?

Ouija boards, demon dolls, evil children and clowns are all classic tropes of horror, and this year’s Halloween releases feature them all. What makes them so frightening, decade after decade?
A safari in modern Britain: Rose Rouse reveals how her four-year tour of Harlesden taught her as much about the UK as it did about NW10

Rose Rouse's safari in modern Britain

Rouse decided to walk and talk with as many different people as possible in her neighbourhood of Harlesden and her experiences have been published in a new book
Welcome to my world of no smell and odd tastes: How a bike accident left one woman living with unwanted food mash-ups

'My world of no smell and odd tastes'

A head injury from a bicycle accident had the surprising effect of robbing Nell Frizzell of two of her senses

Matt Parker is proud of his square roots

The "stand-up mathematician" is using comedy nights to preach maths to big audiences
Paul Scholes column: Beating Manchester City is vital part of life at Manchester United. This is first major test for Luke Shaw, Angel Di Maria and Radamel Falcao – it’s not a game to lose

Paul Scholes column

Beating City is vital part of life at United. This is first major test for Shaw, Di Maria and Falcao – it’s not a game to lose
Frank Warren: Call me an old git, but I just can't see that there's a place for women’s boxing

Frank Warren column

Call me an old git, but I just can't see that there's a place for women’s boxing
Adrian Heath interview: Former Everton striker prepares his Orlando City side for the MLS - and having Kaka in the dressing room

Adrian Heath's American dream...

Former Everton striker prepares his Orlando City side for the MLS - and having Kaka in the dressing room
Simon Hart: Manchester City will rise again but they need to change their attitude

Manchester City will rise again but they need to change their attitude

Manuel Pellegrini’s side are too good to fail and derby allows them to start again, says Simon Hart
Isis in Syria: A general reveals the lack of communication with the US - and his country's awkward relationship with their allies-by-default

A Syrian general speaks

A senior officer of Bashar al-Assad’s regime talks to Robert Fisk about his army’s brutal struggle with Isis, in a dirty war whose challenges include widespread atrocities
‘A bit of a shock...’ Cambridge economist with Glasgow roots becomes Zambia’s acting President

‘A bit of a shock...’ Economist with Glasgow roots becomes Zambia’s acting President

Guy Scott's predecessor, Michael Sata, died in a London hospital this week after a lengthy illness
Fall of the Berlin Wall: History catches up with Erich Honecker - the East German leader who praised the Iron Curtain and claimed it prevented a Third World War

Fall of the Berlin Wall

History catches up with Erich Honecker - the East German leader who praised the Iron Curtain and claimed it prevented a Third World War
How to turn your mobile phone into easy money

Turn your mobile phone into easy money

There are 90 million unused mobiles in the UK, which would be worth £7bn if we cashed them in, says David Crookes