If you ask me... Don’t knock a man who falls asleep in front of the TV and then denies it

Perhaps this IS the time to stick up for those poor fools


If you ask me, all this fuss in recent days about the depiction of men on television and in advertising as hopeless and useless and dim-witted, and you know what? I am entirely on their side.

Poor men. True, they still effectively run the world, and have all the economic power, but is that any excuse? Just because men have been cruising along while women have, for the past century, put in serious work thinking about what it means to be a woman, is that any reason to now treat them as if they’re only useful for opening stubborn jars and reaching high shelves? Is it any excuse for pointing and laughing while, having had every advantage since the very beginning of time, expecting them to simply suck it up? Is it?

So, to redress this horrible, vile trend, let me tell you about some of the things men are brilliant at and which women will never even be vaguely competent at, no matter how hard we might try. Here you are:

* Men are brilliant at coming home and reporting so-and-so has had a baby without ever having enquired about sex, weight or name.

* Men are brilliant at raiding your greeting cards drawer, which is why you receive a card you have bought yourself every birthday.

* Men are brilliant at falling asleep in front of the television and then denying it – “I wasn’t asleep!” – and maintaining to this day that they saw The Shawshank Redemption through to the end when “he went to the electric chair”.

* Men are brilliant at answering the phone and almost instantly saying: “I’ll pass you over to your mother.”

* Men are brilliant at showing you their secret inside pockets, and offering a guided tour.

* Men are brilliant at coming home and reporting that they bumped into someone who knows you, Janice, who sends her love, even though you do not know a Janice, have never known a Janice, and it is only after he has broken down under intense questioning – what does her hair look like? Is her dog called Betty? – he will accept that it could have been Leslie, maybe.

* Men are brilliant at insisting that they have to be missing for 24 hours before they will declare themselves lost.

* Men are brilliant at never taking a bag with them to the shops.

* Men are brilliant at saying they’re not mind-readers.

* Men are brilliant at having “short cuts” which take longer than the regular route.

So, all I’m saying, is lay off men, as it’s hurtful, and unnecessary, and as for Homer Simpson being a bad role model for fatherhood, yes, awful. A dad who obviously loves his kids and sticks around? How far-fetched and ridiculous is that?

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Finance Director

£65000 - £80000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Finance Director required to jo...

Recruitment Genius: Medico-Legal Assistant

£15000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a unique opportunity fo...

Ashdown Group: (PHP / Python) - Global Media firm

£50000 per annum + 26 days holiday,pension: Ashdown Group: A highly successful...

The Jenrick Group: Quality Inspector

£27000 per annum + pension + holidays: The Jenrick Group: A Quality Technician...

Day In a Page

Read Next
David Cameron faces the press as he arrives in Brussels for the EU leaders summit on Thursday reuters  

On the Tusk of a dilemma: Cameron's latest EU renegotiation foe

Andrew Grice
John Profumo and his wife Valerie Robson in 1959  

Stephen Ward’s trial was disgraceful. There can be no justification for it

Geoffrey Robertson QC
Homeless Veterans appeal: 'You look for someone who's an inspiration and try to be like them'

Homeless Veterans appeal

In 2010, Sgt Gary Jamieson stepped on an IED in Afghanistan and lost his legs and an arm. He reveals what, and who, helped him to make a remarkable recovery
Could cannabis oil reverse the effects of cancer?

Could cannabis oil reverse effects of cancer?

As a film following six patients receiving the controversial treatment is released, Kate Hilpern uncovers a very slippery issue
The Interview movie review: You can't see Seth Rogen and James Franco's Kim Jong Un assassination film, but you can read about it here

The Interview movie review

You can't see Seth Rogen and James Franco's Kim Jong Un assassination film, but you can read about it here
Serial mania has propelled podcasts into the cultural mainstream

How podcasts became mainstream

People have consumed gripping armchair investigation Serial with a relish typically reserved for box-set binges
Jesus Christ has become an unlikely pin-up for hipster marketing companies

Jesus Christ has become an unlikely pin-up

Kevin Lee Light, aka "Jesus", is the newest client of creative agency Mother while rival agency Anomaly has launched Sexy Jesus, depicting the Messiah in a series of Athena-style poses
Rosetta space mission voted most important scientific breakthrough of 2014

A memorable year for science – if not for mice

The most important scientific breakthroughs of 2014
Christmas cocktails to make you merry: From eggnog to Brown Betty and Rum Bumpo

Christmas cocktails to make you merry

Mulled wine is an essential seasonal treat. But now drinkers are rediscovering other traditional festive tipples. Angela Clutton raises a glass to Christmas cocktails
5 best activity trackers

Fitness technology: 5 best activity trackers

Up the ante in your regimen and change the habits of a lifetime with this wearable tech
Paul Scholes column: It's a little-known fact, but I have played one of the seven dwarves

Paul Scholes column

It's a little-known fact, but I have played one of the seven dwarves
Fifa's travelling circus once again steals limelight from real stars

Fifa's travelling circus once again steals limelight from real stars

Club World Cup kicked into the long grass by the continued farce surrounding Blatter, Garcia, Russia and Qatar
Frank Warren column: 2014 – boxing is back and winning new fans

Frank Warren: Boxing is back and winning new fans

2014 proves it's now one of sport's biggest hitters again
Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton: The power dynamics of the two first families

Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton

Karen Tumulty explores the power dynamics of the two first families
Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley with a hotbed of technology start-ups

Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley

The Swedish capital is home to two of the most popular video games in the world, as well as thousands of technology start-ups worth hundreds of millions of pounds – and it's all happened since 2009
Did Japanese workers really get their symbols mixed up and display Santa on a crucifix?

Crucified Santa: Urban myth refuses to die

The story goes that Japanese store workers created a life-size effigy of a smiling "Father Kurisumasu" attached to a facsimile of Our Lord's final instrument of torture
Jennifer Saunders and Kate Moss join David Walliams on set for TV adaptation of The Boy in the Dress

The Boy in the Dress: On set with the stars

Walliams' story about a boy who goes to school in a dress will be shown this Christmas