If you ask me: I once rode roughshod over Christians. Never again!

If you pay selective attention to the teachings of Our Lord, you will know that the only proper life is one lived in the bright, white light of Christian heterosexual values.

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If you ask me, I’m wondering what we think of Lord Carey accusing Nick Clegg of “riding roughshod over Christians” for planning to call those who oppose gay marriage “bigots”?

In the end, and being a man not of his word, Clegg actually substituted “some people” for “bigot”, and you know what? I don’t blame him. Who wants to ride roughshod over Christians? I once did, and it was not pleasant, as they are just so wriggly. In future, I will use a Honda Civic, which promises a very smooth ride whatever, and I would strongly suggest you do the same.

I’m kidding! My little joke! Come on. I would no more run over Christians in a Honda Civic than I would in any other car of Japanese design, like a Toyota Yaris. I wouldn’t. And I wouldn’t because... here’s the thing: I’m a committed Christian myself and I, too, fiercely oppose gay marriage. But a bigot? An intolerant, prejudiced homophobe? I don’t think so. It just goes against my firmly held beliefs, is all.

I follow the teachings of Our Lord, and if you pay selective attention to the teachings of Our Lord, as any self-respecting Christian will do, you will know that the only proper life is one lived in the bright, white light of Christian heterosexual values. I have never felt differently. OK, when I was growing up, I supported Chrissie Evert even though, if you’d followed my gaze, you’d have seen I couldn’t take my eyes off Martina Navratilova’s bum, but wasn’t that just my squint? And as for checking The Well of Loneliness out of the library over and over, wasn’t I simply curious to know how a well could be so lonely?

Yes, I once kissed a girl called Emily, and felt myself come over all funny, but unless you know what same-sex sexual contact might entail, how do you know what you should be ashamed of? And when we went to bed together, didn’t I know it was wrong, especially after the 78th time? Didn’t I know Jesus would have something to say about it? Sure, he had two dads, but no one is perfect, right?

Anyway, after a 17-year courtship, I am now married to John, with whom I selectively read the Bible most nights, even though my mind might drift to thinking about, say, Clare Balding, but only because she is just such a tip-top broadcaster. (I once even called out “Clare! Clare!” during sex with John, can you believe!)

Why am I telling you all this? Because some people say the only real reason anyone might oppose gay marriage, or express any homophobic view, is because, deep down, they fear their own homosexual tendencies. I hope you can now see this is far from true.

We selectively read the Bible most nights, though my mind drifts to, say, Clare Balding.