If you ask me... January is the cruellest month for a lady and her self-esteem

So, starving yourself and treating food as an evil to be eliminated is the key to lifelong happiness, is it? My wrongedy wrong wrong body is sceptical

Share

If you ask me, January, with its endless onslaught of weight-loss tips and diets, is the cruellest month for a lady and her self-esteem, making her more aware than ever that her body is all hopeless and wrong, and I think we all know what it is like, waking up every morning with a body that is hopeless and wrong, and having to drag it everywhere with you.

I dragged my wrong body, which is so wrong it is technically known as “wrongedy wrong wrong”, around Asda just this morning, and it was no fun whatsoever. My wrongedy wrong wrong body could barely keep up and just mooched, flabbily. I wanted to punch it, and would have if it hadn’t wept and railed and begged for pity. “Don’t hate me. Hate the forces that compel you to hate me,” it cried, as if that ever does any good, or makes you a size 6 with the sort of legs that go straight up to the armpits (although not literally, as that would be hideous).

Over the years, I have certainly tried to ditch this wrongedy wrong wrong body of mine. I have prayed to our Lord. “Oh, Lord, what shall I do with these thighs so unlike Elle Macpherson’s and so much more like hefty tree trunks?” And our Lord said: “Child, she who believeth in me shall have thighs of everlasting slenderness and a hauteur of everlasting willowyness, but not today as I musteth see the doctor about my athlete’s foot.”

I have tried offloading my wrong body on to someone else. I once tried to abandon it on Terry Wogan’s doorstep, but he raced out with his 12-bore walking stick and chased me off his property, shouting: “Be off, begorrah, and do not bother myself or Lady Helen ever again!” I tried sending it to Arlene Phillips, but she sent it back that very afternoon, with a rather harsh note – “This is not a body I want or will ever want” – and, as for Woody Allen, although I was hopeful, he closed the door in my wrongedy wrong wrong body’s face and said: “Not today, thank you.” I’ll say one thing for Woody: he is always polite.

And so I’m stuck, I think, with this wrong body that is, technically, wrongedy wrong wrong and refuses to go on the latest fad diet, the 5:2 Fasting Diet. “So,” it has said, “starving yourself and treating food as an evil to be eliminated is the key to lifelong happiness, is it? It’s not just bollocks and tantamount to self-abuse?”

But what does my body know, really, considering it’s been plain wrong, if not plain wrongedy wrong wrong, since the year dot? Honestly. What a dolt.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Project Assistant

£17000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They are a leading company in the field ...

Recruitment Genius: DBA Developer - SQL Server

£30000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: Office Manager

£26041 - £34876 per annum: Recruitment Genius: There has never been a more exc...

Recruitment Genius: Travel Customer Service and Experience Manager

£14000 - £17000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The fastest growing travel comp...

Day In a Page

Read Next
A pack of seagulls squabble over discarded food left on the beach at St Ives on July 28, 2015  

Number of urban seagulls in Britain nearly quadruples: Hide food and avoid chicks to stay in gulls’ good books

Tom Bawden
 

Blairites be warned, this could be the moment Labour turns into Syriza

Andrew Grice
Blairites be warned, this could be the moment Labour turns into Syriza

Andrew Grice: Inside Westminster

Blairites be warned, this could be the moment Labour turns into Syriza
HMS Victory: The mystery of Britain's worst naval disaster is finally solved - 271 years later

The mystery of Britain's worst naval disaster is finally solved - 271 years later

Exclusive: David Keys reveals the research that finally explains why HMS Victory went down with the loss of 1,100 lives
Survivors of the Nagasaki atomic bomb attack: Japan must not abandon its post-war pacifism

'I saw people so injured you couldn't tell if they were dead or alive'

Nagasaki survivors on why Japan must not abandon its post-war pacifism
Jon Stewart: The voice of Democrats who felt Obama had failed to deliver on his 'Yes We Can' slogan, and the voter he tried hardest to keep onside

The voter Obama tried hardest to keep onside

Outgoing The Daily Show host, Jon Stewart, became the voice of Democrats who felt the President had failed to deliver on his ‘Yes We Can’ slogan. Tim Walker charts the ups and downs of their 10-year relationship on screen
RuPaul interview: The drag star on being inspired by Bowie, never fitting in, and saying the first thing that comes into your head

RuPaul interview

The drag star on being inspired by Bowie, never fitting in, and saying the first thing that comes into your head
Secrets of comedy couples: What's it like when both you and your partner are stand-ups?

Secrets of comedy couples

What's it like when both you and your partner are stand-ups?
Satya Nadella: As Windows 10 is launched can he return Microsoft to its former glory?

Satya Nadella: The man to clean up for Windows?

While Microsoft's founders spend their billions, the once-invincible tech company's new boss is trying to save it
The best swimwear for men: From trunks to shorts, make a splash this summer

The best swimwear for men

From trunks to shorts, make a splash this summer
Mark Hix recipes: Our chef tries his hand at a spot of summer foraging

Mark Hix goes summer foraging

 A dinner party doesn't have to mean a trip to the supermarket
Ashes 2015: With an audacious flourish, home hero Ian Bell ends all debate

With an audacious flourish, the home hero ends all debate

Ian Bell advances to Trent Bridge next week almost as undroppable as Alastair Cook and Joe Root, a cornerstone of England's new thinking, says Kevin Garside
Aaron Ramsey interview: Wales midfielder determined to be centre of attention for Arsenal this season

Aaron Ramsey interview

Wales midfielder determined to be centre of attention for Arsenal this season
Community Shield: Arsene Wenger needs to strike first blow in rivalry with Jose Mourinho

Community Shield gives Wenger chance to strike first blow in rivalry with Mourinho

As long as the Arsenal manager's run of games without a win over his Chelsea counterpart continues it will continue to dominate the narrative around the two men
The unlikely rise of AFC Bournemouth - and what it says about English life

Unlikely rise of AFC Bournemouth

Bournemouth’s elevation to football’s top tier is one of the most improbable of recent times. But it’s illustrative of deeper and wider changes in English life
A Very British Coup, part two: New novel in pipeline as Jeremy Corbyn's rise inspires sequel

A Very British Coup, part two

New novel in pipeline as Jeremy Corbyn's rise inspires sequel
Philae lander data show comets could have brought 'building blocks of life' to Earth

Philae lander data show comets could have brought 'building blocks of life' to Earth

Icy dust layer holds organic compounds similar to those found in living organisms