If you ask me... January is the cruellest month for a lady and her self-esteem

So, starving yourself and treating food as an evil to be eliminated is the key to lifelong happiness, is it? My wrongedy wrong wrong body is sceptical

Share

If you ask me, January, with its endless onslaught of weight-loss tips and diets, is the cruellest month for a lady and her self-esteem, making her more aware than ever that her body is all hopeless and wrong, and I think we all know what it is like, waking up every morning with a body that is hopeless and wrong, and having to drag it everywhere with you.

I dragged my wrong body, which is so wrong it is technically known as “wrongedy wrong wrong”, around Asda just this morning, and it was no fun whatsoever. My wrongedy wrong wrong body could barely keep up and just mooched, flabbily. I wanted to punch it, and would have if it hadn’t wept and railed and begged for pity. “Don’t hate me. Hate the forces that compel you to hate me,” it cried, as if that ever does any good, or makes you a size 6 with the sort of legs that go straight up to the armpits (although not literally, as that would be hideous).

Over the years, I have certainly tried to ditch this wrongedy wrong wrong body of mine. I have prayed to our Lord. “Oh, Lord, what shall I do with these thighs so unlike Elle Macpherson’s and so much more like hefty tree trunks?” And our Lord said: “Child, she who believeth in me shall have thighs of everlasting slenderness and a hauteur of everlasting willowyness, but not today as I musteth see the doctor about my athlete’s foot.”

I have tried offloading my wrong body on to someone else. I once tried to abandon it on Terry Wogan’s doorstep, but he raced out with his 12-bore walking stick and chased me off his property, shouting: “Be off, begorrah, and do not bother myself or Lady Helen ever again!” I tried sending it to Arlene Phillips, but she sent it back that very afternoon, with a rather harsh note – “This is not a body I want or will ever want” – and, as for Woody Allen, although I was hopeful, he closed the door in my wrongedy wrong wrong body’s face and said: “Not today, thank you.” I’ll say one thing for Woody: he is always polite.

And so I’m stuck, I think, with this wrong body that is, technically, wrongedy wrong wrong and refuses to go on the latest fad diet, the 5:2 Fasting Diet. “So,” it has said, “starving yourself and treating food as an evil to be eliminated is the key to lifelong happiness, is it? It’s not just bollocks and tantamount to self-abuse?”

But what does my body know, really, considering it’s been plain wrong, if not plain wrongedy wrong wrong, since the year dot? Honestly. What a dolt.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

QA/BA - Agile

£400 Per Day: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our client are currently seekin...

PPA Supply Teachers

£121 - £142 per day: Randstad Education Luton: Early Years, KS1 & 2 Prima...

Primary Supply Teacher

£121 - £142 per annum: Randstad Education Luton: Early Years, KS1 & 2 Prim...

Primary Supply Teacher

£121 - £142 per day: Randstad Education Luton: Primary supply teacher Hertford...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Ebola virus in the US: How did the disease ever spread this far?

Sophie Harman
 

The most common question I am asked is 'How do I become a YouTuber?' This is my reply

Jim Chapman
Ebola outbreak: The children orphaned by the virus – then rejected by surviving relatives over fear of infection

The children orphaned by Ebola...

... then rejected by surviving relatives over fear of infection
Pride: Are censors pandering to homophobia?

Are censors pandering to homophobia?

US film censors have ruled 'Pride' unfit for under-16s, though it contains no sex or violence
The magic of roundabouts

Lords of the rings

Just who are the Roundabout Appreciation Society?
Why do we like making lists?

Notes to self: Why do we like making lists?

Well it was good enough for Ancient Egyptians and Picasso...
Hong Kong protests: A good time to open a new restaurant?

A good time to open a new restaurant in Hong Kong?

As pro-democracy demonstrators hold firm, chef Rowley Leigh, who's in the city to open a new restaurant, says you couldn't hope to meet a nicer bunch
Paris Fashion Week: Karl Lagerfeld leads a feminist riot on 'Boulevard Chanel'

Paris Fashion Week

Lagerfeld leads a feminist riot on 'Boulevard Chanel'
Bruce Chatwin's Wales: One of the finest one-day walks in Britain

Simon Calder discovers Bruce Chatwin's Wales

One of the finest one-day walks you could hope for - in Britain
10 best children's nightwear

10 best children's nightwear

Make sure the kids stay cosy on cooler autumn nights in this selection of pjs, onesies and nighties
Manchester City vs Roma: Five things we learnt from City’s draw at the Etihad

Manchester City vs Roma

Five things we learnt from City’s Champions League draw at the Etihad
Martin Hardy: Mike Ashley must act now and end the Alan Pardew reign

Trouble on the Tyne

Ashley must act now and end Pardew's reign at Newcastle, says Martin Hardy
Isis is an hour from Baghdad, the Iraq army has little chance against it, and air strikes won't help

Isis an hour away from Baghdad -

and with no sign of Iraq army being able to make a successful counter-attack
Turner Prize 2014 is frustratingly timid

Turner Prize 2014 is frustratingly timid

The exhibition nods to rich and potentially brilliant ideas, but steps back
Last chance to see: Half the world’s animals have disappeared over the last 40 years

Last chance to see...

The Earth’s animal wildlife population has halved in 40 years
So here's why teenagers are always grumpy - and it's not what you think

Truth behind teens' grumpiness

Early school hours mess with their biological clocks
Why can no one stop hackers putting celebrities' private photos online?

Hacked photos: the third wave

Why can no one stop hackers putting celebrities' private photos online?