If you ask me: This season's absolutely must-have trends

My trend distillery is telling me that the fashion industry will, this season, pretend to care about plus-size models as well as sweat-shops and fur

Share

If you ask me, as London Fashion Week draws to a close today it is time to distil the season's trends which, luckily, I am able to do as I have a trend distillery down the back of my garden. Firstly, it is telling me trousers will be more trousery than ever before. “I don't think trousers have ever been so trousery,” confims Vogue's Alexandra Schulman. “Mine are from Miu Miu and are the most trousery trousers I've ever worn,” added an excited Jane Bruton of Grazia. Skirts will be skirty – “I love my skirty skirts,” enthused Alexa Chung – while blouses will be blousey and jumpers so stunningly jumpery you may well s*** yourself. “I s*** myself,” says Anna Friel, “so I think that's the last time I'll be invited to sit on Alice Temperley's front row.” She then added: “In my defence, if you are going to produce jumpers so stunningly jumpery, what do you expect?”

Meanwhile, stripes will go up, down, across, or diagonally, and spots will be spotty, while the news from Diane Von Furstenberg is: “Prints, prints, prints” and when Diane Von Furstenberg speaks only a fool wouldn't listen. Or, as Elle's Lorraine Candy puts it: “I once didn't listen when Diane Von Furstenberg said 'prints, prints, prints' and caught my finger in a car door. Some people tried to convince me the events were entirely unrelated, but I very much doubt it. One year I also didn't listen when Ralph Lauren said 'pleats, pleats, pleats', and the following day I fell down some stairs. Coincidence? I don't think so.”

Colours? Purple will be in until noon, then out for the rest of the day, while black is the old white and red is what white was, before it got old. And yellow? Let's not go there, unless we have to, in which case we will. (“If we have to, we will,” confirms Marie Claire's Trish Halpin). Don't be afraid of metallic although, if one breaks in during the night, you have every right to defend yourself. As for socks they will be so amazingly sock-like you may well piss yourself. “I pissed myself at Vivienne Westwood,” says Sienna Miller. “So did I,” says Pixie Lott. “They were the most sock-like socks, like, ever. Those sock-like socks rocked!”

And lastly my trend distillery is telling me the industry will, this season, pretend to care about plus-sized models as well as sweat-shops and fur, so business as usual there. A trend distillery is expensive to set up but, once installed, will be able to churn out crap about trends for all eternity, unless parts wear out, or keel over from boredom. Whichever comes first.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Network Infrastructure Technical Lead - up to £45k DOE - Surrey

£35000 - £45000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

Technical Architect - Surrey - £35k-£45k DOE - Permanent

£35000 - £45000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

ASP.NET Developer - Cheshire - £35k - Permanent

£30000 - £35000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

English Teacher

£110 - £130 per day: Randstad Education Reading: English Teacher needed for a ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Daily catch-up: Gordon Brown’s finest hour, a letter from Quebec and the problem of anti-politics

John Rentoul
 

i Editor's Letter: The campaigning is over. So now we wait...

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments
These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
How to make a Lego masterpiece

How to make a Lego masterpiece

Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam
'She was a singer, a superstar, an addict, but to me, her mother, she is simply Amy'

'She was a singer, a superstar, an addict, but to me, her mother, she is simply Amy'

Exclusive extract from Janis Winehouse's poignant new memoir
Is this the role to win Cumberbatch an Oscar?

Is this the role to win Cumberbatch an Oscar?

The Imitation Game, film review
England and Roy Hodgson take a joint step towards redemption in Basel

England and Hodgson take a joint step towards redemption

Welbeck double puts England on the road to Euro 2016
Relatives fight over Vivian Maier’s rare photos

Relatives fight over Vivian Maier’s rare photos

Pictures removed from public view as courts decide ownership
‘Fashion has to be fun. It’s a big business, not a cure for cancer’

‘Fashion has to be fun. It’s a big business, not a cure for cancer’

Donatella Versace at New York Fashion Week