If you ask me, it is tax return time, which means it’s time to gather all your financial records, stare at them in the hope they might eventually make some sense, sharpen a pencil, and stab yourself firmly in the aorta.

Alternatively, you could ask HMRC for Form 6789(ISH), which has been especially created for reluctant incompetents:

What were your earnings – ish – in the last financial year?

1. Less than £10,000ish; 2. More than £10,000ish; 3. Somewhere between £10,000ish and £100,000ish, I reckon.

What were your outgoings – ish – in the last financial year?

1. Heck of a lot; 2. Boiler went kaput; 3. Three fillings and a crown, and you know how much they cost, right?

Have you kept any receipts?

1. Don’t be silly; 2. Maybe the dog ate them; 3. I think I may have some in a shoebox somewhere. I’ll just go look.

Have you found them?

1. Don’t be silly; 2. The dog did eat them; 3. Still looking.

Are you claiming tax relief for capital expenditure?

1. You bet; 2. Should I?; 3. Whatever.

Have you received any interest or dividends from UK banks, building societies etc in the past year?

1. Maybe I have; 2. Maybe I haven’t;  3. Who wants to know?

What have you already paid on account – ish– for the next financial year?

1. Quite a lot (ish); 2. Not enough (ish); 3. I AM NOT AN ACCOUNTANT!

Did you receive benefit from  pre-owned assets?

1. Yes; 2. No; 3. What?

Have you ever spent monies you should have put aside for tax on shoes?

1. Oops; 2. SHOES!; 3. No one ever died thinking “I wish I hadn’t bought those shoes”, you big dummy.

If you cannot meet your tax responsibilities, would you be prepared to work for the Government as:

1. An assassin?; 2. A spy?; 3. Keeper of the Queen’s bras?

Which of the following would you rather be doing at this moment in time?

1. Setting fire to my own hair;  2. Re-grouting the bathroom with a toothpick; 3. Stabbing myself in the aorta with this here sharp pencil.

How would you like to make your payment?

1. It can’t be that much! It’s been a terrible year!; 2. Get over yourself; 3. Here’s a cheque. If you need more, just let me know.