If you ask me...Christmas is in the air. I've already sniffed it

The fear of not giving enough, the endless hunting for scissors and Sellotape - what's not to love about this magical time of year?

Share

If you ask me, Christmas is in the air – I sniffed it just this morning, and I’m rarely wrong – and while the bah-humbuggers are already out in force, I am not among them, as I absolutely love Christmas and everything about it.

I love spending all my hard-earned money on heavily advertised, warmongering toys for boys, and pink, saccharine crap for girls. I love attending the school fair and being told: “That wasn’t Santa. It was Alexander’s dad!”

I love carol singers, particularly that group of hoodies who barely know the first line to “Silent Night” yet menacingly hold out their hands for cash. I love the way my Fear of Not Giving Enough makes me dizzy in Debenhams, as does my Fear of Giving Too Little.

I love it when my Fear of Not Giving Enough meets my Fear of Giving Too Little and I may actually pass out (“Aisle seven, ladies’ scarves, shopper down!”). I love buying presents out of desperation and then convincing myself otherwise, as in: “What old person who can’t bend wouldn’t want a fishing game for the toilet?”

I love endlessly hunting for the scissors and Sellotape. I love giving all our household rubbish to the school tombola then winning it all back. I love all the expectation and the challenge of living up to it. I love my Fear Of The Turkey Being Too Small and the way I tremble when it meets my Fear Of The Turkey Being Too Big, and the way I may even pass out again. I love busting a gut trying to hunt down some toy which will then prove only fleetingly amusing, at best.

I love having my mother-in-law to stay and being told: “This must have been a nice house once.” And I love my mother-in-law’s face when she opens that fishing game for the toilet. I love the thought of all those Christmas puppies being euthanised in the New Year.

I love the way the Argos catalogue features 30,000 products except the one you want, which is out of stock. And, lastly, I particularly love the endless catalogues and gift guides and recipe supplements which, encouragingly, will always include dishes for Boxing Day, as if all the cooking for Christmas Day hasn’t killed you already. That said, I have a good recipe for Boxing Day which, being full of the seasonal cheer, I am happy to share with you:

Ingredients: One finger.

Instructions: When anyone asks, “What’s for lunch?”, give them aforementioned finger.

I serve this recipe every year, and it has yet to let me down. I totally love it, and I suspect you will, too.

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Guru Careers: Creative Director / Head of Creative

£65K - £75K (DOE) + Benefits: Guru Careers: We are seeking a Creative Director...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Administrator - Luxury Brand

£18000 - £21000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This global wholesaler and reta...

Recruitment Genius: Store Manager - Department Store

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: This organization is one of the founding names...

Recruitment Genius: 2nd / 3rd Line IT Support Engineer - IT Managed Services

£30000 - £36000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This IT support company are loo...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

'You’re just jealous', and other common misconceptions about the Protein World advert

Hannah Atkinson
David Cameron has said he is not going to “roll over” and let Labour leader Ed Miliband and the SNP’s Alex Salmond wreck the achievements of the last five years  

After five years of completely flaccid leadership, I'm glad something 'pumps up' David Cameron

Joe Sandler Clarke
Not even the 'putrid throat' could stop the Ross Poldark swoon-fest'

Not even the 'putrid throat' could stop the Ross Poldark swoon-fest'

How a costume drama became a Sunday night staple
Miliband promises no stamp duty for first-time buyers as he pushes Tories on housing

Miliband promises no stamp duty for first-time buyers

Labour leader pushes Tories on housing
Aviation history is littered with grand failures - from the the Bristol Brabazon to Concorde - but what went wrong with the SuperJumbo?

Aviation history is littered with grand failures

But what went wrong with the SuperJumbo?
Fear of Putin, Islamists and immigration is giving rise to a new generation of Soviet-style 'iron curtains' right across Europe

Fortress Europe?

Fear of Putin, Islamists and immigration is giving rise to a new generation of 'iron curtains'
Never mind what you're wearing, it's what you're reclining on

Never mind what you're wearing

It's what you're reclining on that matters
General Election 2015: Chuka Umunna on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband

Chuka Umunna: A virus of racism runs through Ukip

The shadow business secretary on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband
Yemen crisis: This exotic war will soon become Europe's problem

Yemen's exotic war will soon affect Europe

Terrorism and boatloads of desperate migrants will be the outcome of the Saudi air campaign, says Patrick Cockburn
Marginal Streets project aims to document voters in the run-up to the General Election

Marginal Streets project documents voters

Independent photographers Joseph Fox and Orlando Gili are uploading two portraits of constituents to their website for each day of the campaign
Game of Thrones: Visit the real-life kingdom of Westeros to see where violent history ends and telly tourism begins

The real-life kingdom of Westeros

Is there something a little uncomfortable about Game of Thrones shooting in Northern Ireland?
How to survive a social-media mauling, by the tough women of Twitter

How to survive a Twitter mauling

Mary Beard, Caroline Criado-Perez, Louise Mensch, Bunny La Roche and Courtney Barrasford reveal how to trounce the trolls
Gallipoli centenary: At dawn, the young remember the young who perished in one of the First World War's bloodiest battles

At dawn, the young remember the young

A century ago, soldiers of the Empire – many no more than boys – spilt on to Gallipoli’s beaches. On this 100th Anzac Day, there are personal, poetic tributes to their sacrifice
Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves

Follow the money as never before

Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves, reports Rupert Cornwell
Samuel West interview: The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents

Samuel West interview

The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents
General Election 2015: Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

Fashion editor, Alexander Fury, on what the leaders' appearances tell us about them
Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

The architect of the HeForShe movement and head of UN Women on the world's failure to combat domestic violence