If you ask me...Christmas is in the air. I've already sniffed it

The fear of not giving enough, the endless hunting for scissors and Sellotape - what's not to love about this magical time of year?

Share

If you ask me, Christmas is in the air – I sniffed it just this morning, and I’m rarely wrong – and while the bah-humbuggers are already out in force, I am not among them, as I absolutely love Christmas and everything about it.

I love spending all my hard-earned money on heavily advertised, warmongering toys for boys, and pink, saccharine crap for girls. I love attending the school fair and being told: “That wasn’t Santa. It was Alexander’s dad!”

I love carol singers, particularly that group of hoodies who barely know the first line to “Silent Night” yet menacingly hold out their hands for cash. I love the way my Fear of Not Giving Enough makes me dizzy in Debenhams, as does my Fear of Giving Too Little.

I love it when my Fear of Not Giving Enough meets my Fear of Giving Too Little and I may actually pass out (“Aisle seven, ladies’ scarves, shopper down!”). I love buying presents out of desperation and then convincing myself otherwise, as in: “What old person who can’t bend wouldn’t want a fishing game for the toilet?”

I love endlessly hunting for the scissors and Sellotape. I love giving all our household rubbish to the school tombola then winning it all back. I love all the expectation and the challenge of living up to it. I love my Fear Of The Turkey Being Too Small and the way I tremble when it meets my Fear Of The Turkey Being Too Big, and the way I may even pass out again. I love busting a gut trying to hunt down some toy which will then prove only fleetingly amusing, at best.

I love having my mother-in-law to stay and being told: “This must have been a nice house once.” And I love my mother-in-law’s face when she opens that fishing game for the toilet. I love the thought of all those Christmas puppies being euthanised in the New Year.

I love the way the Argos catalogue features 30,000 products except the one you want, which is out of stock. And, lastly, I particularly love the endless catalogues and gift guides and recipe supplements which, encouragingly, will always include dishes for Boxing Day, as if all the cooking for Christmas Day hasn’t killed you already. That said, I have a good recipe for Boxing Day which, being full of the seasonal cheer, I am happy to share with you:

Ingredients: One finger.

Instructions: When anyone asks, “What’s for lunch?”, give them aforementioned finger.

I serve this recipe every year, and it has yet to let me down. I totally love it, and I suspect you will, too.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

h2 Recruit Ltd: Sales Executive - Ceiling and Flooring - £26,000 OTE

£26000 per annum + pension + career progression: h2 Recruit Ltd: An excellent ...

h2 Recruit Ltd: Business Development Manager - Credit Reports - £100,000 OTE

£50000 - £100000 per annum + benefits: h2 Recruit Ltd: Are you a high achievin...

h2 Recruit Ltd: Sales Executive - Meetings & Events (MICE) - £40,000 OTE

£30000 - £40000 per annum + benefits: h2 Recruit Ltd: Are you a high achieving...

h2 Recruit Ltd: Sales Manager -Business Intelligence Software- £100,000 OTE

£50000 - £100000 per annum + benefits: h2 Recruit Ltd: Are you a high achievin...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

David Cameron’s immigration speech: I broke my promise; this time will be different

John Rentoul
Keira Knightley and Benedict Cumberbatch star in the Alan Turing biopic The Imitation Game  

Manchester was ahead of the pack in honouring Alan Turing

Simon Kelner
Homeless Veterans Christmas Appeal: ‘We give them hope. They come to us when no one else can help’

Christmas Appeal

Meet the charity giving homeless veterans hope – and who they turn to when no one else can help
Should doctors and patients learn to plan humane, happier endings rather than trying to prolong life?

Is it always right to try to prolong life?

Most of us would prefer to die in our own beds, with our families beside us. But, as a GP, Margaret McCartney sees too many end their days in a medicalised battle
Thomas Cook's outgoing boss Harriet Green got by on four hours sleep a night - is that what it takes for women to get to the top?

What does it take for women to get to the top?

Thomas Cook's outgoing boss Harriet Green got by on four hours sleep a night and told women they had to do more if they wanted to get on
Christmas jumper craze: Inside the UK factory behind this year's multicultural must-have

Knitting pretty: British Christmas Jumpers

Simmy Richman visits Jack Masters, the company behind this year's multicultural must-have
French chefs have launched a campaign to end violence in kitchens - should British restaurants follow suit?

French chefs campaign against bullying

A group of top chefs signed a manifesto against violence in kitchens following the sacking of a chef at a Paris restaurant for scalding his kitchen assistant with a white-hot spoon
Radio 4 to broadcast 10-hour War and Peace on New Year's Day as Controller warns of cuts

Just what you need on a New Year hangover...

Radio 4 to broadcast 10-hour adaptation of War and Peace on first day of 2015
Cuba set to stage its first US musical in 50 years

Cuba to stage first US musical in 50 years

Claire Allfree finds out if the new production of Rent will hit the right note in Havana
Christmas 2014: 10 best educational toys

Learn and play: 10 best educational toys

Of course you want them to have fun, but even better if they can learn at the same time
Paul Scholes column: I like Brendan Rodgers as a manager but Liverpool seem to be going backwards not forwards this season

Paul Scholes column

I like Brendan Rodgers as a manager but Liverpool seem to be going backwards not forwards this season
Lewis Moody column: Stuart Lancaster has made all the right calls – now England must deliver

Lewis Moody: Lancaster has made all the right calls – now England must deliver

So what must the red-rose do differently? They have to take the points on offer 
Cameron, Miliband and Clegg join forces for Homeless Veterans campaign

Cameron, Miliband and Clegg join forces for Homeless Veterans campaign

It's in all our interests to look after servicemen and women who fall on hard times, say party leaders
Millionaire Sol Campbell wades into wealthy backlash against Labour's mansion tax

Sol Campbell cries foul at Labour's mansion tax

The former England defender joins Myleene Klass, Griff Rhys Jones and Melvyn Bragg in criticising proposals
Nicolas Sarkozy returns: The ex-President is preparing to fight for the leadership of France's main opposition party – but will he win big enough?

Sarkozy returns

The ex-President is preparing to fight for the leadership of France's main opposition party – but will he win big enough?
Is the criticism of Ed Miliband a coded form of anti-Semitism?

Is the criticism of Miliband anti-Semitic?

Attacks on the Labour leader have coalesced around a sense that he is different, weird, a man apart. But is the criticism more sinister?
Ouija boards are the must-have gift this Christmas, fuelled by a schlock horror film

Ouija boards are the must-have festive gift

Simon Usborne explores the appeal - and mysteries - of a century-old parlour game