If you ask me...I have the perfect university for you A-Level students

Have you considered attending The University of Nowhere Fast, with its remit to prepare graduates for getting nowhere fast?

Share

If you ask me, I would, obviously, wish to congratulate those A‑level students who have achieved their desired grades, and would also wish to congratulate the 385,910 who have secured a university place.

Well done! This is the first step to leaving behind your youth, to boldly embarking on adult life and then, chances are, moving back in with the parents.

So I would ask: instead of going to Manchester or Warwick or Durham, have you considered enrolling at a new institution? The University of Nowhere Fast, with its remit to prepare graduates for getting nowhere fast? And the future that may actually await them, now the bankers have run away with all our money?

The University of Nowhere Fast was established in response to a government report which concluded that “today’s graduates are totally unsuited to becoming unproductive citizens who are likely to sit around on their arses all day”. And it further added: “After a degree from a regular university, many graduates completely fail to leave with their expectations dashed and their ambitions shattered, despite being up to £60,000 in debt.”

If you enrol at the University of Nowhere Fast, your first year, the foundation year, will cover all the necessary basic skills for getting nowhere fast. These include: sitting around, lying about, scrabbling down the back of sofas for any loose change, consuming unhealthy snack products, and not following up on any job applications when you don’t hear back, as what’s the point?

Once the basics are mastered, the second year will build on the first by introducing students to the joyless slog of unpaid internships, getting up at around 2pm, killing time by watching American sitcoms you’ve seen hundreds of times before, and accepting that, for you, ascending to even the first rung of the property ladder is up there with ascending Jacob’s Ladder, but markedly less probable.

The third and final year will bring it all together while teaching yet more sophisticated techniques for getting though the day, like shifting from the sofa, but only to hide when the landlord turns up to demand the sort of rip-off rents that can be charged when social housing is an impossibility. Alternatively, if you are living back at home, you will learn how to be nice to your mother because, seriously, none of this is her fault; she didn’t invent capitalism, and she didn’t expect you to become a lying around, unproductive citizen either. Truly, she didn’t.

So, enrol, and enrol today, and if you don’t hear back, please don’t pester the university with calls as to the progress of your application, or to reiterate how perfect you would be. You will only show yourself up as completely unsuited to getting nowhere fast, if you do.

Twitter: @deborahross

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Commercial Litigation

Highly Attractive Salary: Austen Lloyd: CITY - SENIOR COMMERCIAL LITIGATION SO...

BI Developer - Sheffield - £35,000 ~ £40,000 DOE

£35000 - £40000 per annum + competitive: Progressive Recruitment: My client is...

Employment Solicitor

Highly Competitive Salary: Austen Lloyd: MANCHESTER - Senior Employment Solici...

Senior Risk Manager - Banking - London - £650

£600 - £650 per day: Orgtel: Conduct Risk Liaison Manager - Banking - London -...

Day In a Page

 

Opponents of Israel's military operation in Gaza are the real enemies of Middle Eastern peace

Gabriel Sassoon
Best comedians: How the professionals go about their funny business, from Sarah Millican to Marcus Brigstocke

Best comedians: How the professionals go about their funny business

For all those wanting to know how stand-ups keep standing, here are some of the best moments
Jokes on Hollywood: 'With comedy film audiences shrinking, it’s time to move on'

Jokes on Hollywood

With comedy film audiences shrinking, it’s time to move on
Edinburgh Fringe 2014: The comedy highlights, from Bridget Christie to Jack Dee

Edinburgh Fringe 2014

The comedy highlights, from Bridget Christie to Jack Dee
Evan Davis: The BBC’s wolf in sheep’s clothing to take over at Newsnight

The BBC’s wolf in sheep’s clothing

What will Evan Davis be like on Newsnight?
Finding the names for America’s shame: What happens to the immigrants crossing the US-Mexico border without documents who never make it past the Arizona desert?

Finding the names for America’s shame

The immigrants crossing the US-Mexico border without documents who never make it past the Arizona desert
Inside a church for Born Again Christians: Speaking to God in a Manchester multiplex

Inside a church for Born Again Christians

As Britain's Anglican church struggles to establish its modern identity, one branch of Christianity is booming
Rihanna, Kim Kardashian and me: How Olivier Rousteing is revitalising the house of Balmain

Olivier Rousteing is revitalising the house of Balmain

Parisian couturier Pierre Balmain made his name dressing the mid-century jet set. Today, Olivier Rousteing – heir to the house Pierre built – is celebrating their 21st-century equivalents. The result? Nothing short of Balmania
Cancer, cardiac arrest, HIV and homelessness - and he's only 39

Incredible survival story of David Tovey

Tovey went from cooking for the Queen to rifling through bins for his supper. His is a startling story of endurance against the odds – and of a social safety net failing at every turn
Backhanders, bribery and abuses of power have soared in China as economy surges

Bribery and abuses of power soar in China

The bribery is fuelled by the surge in China's economy but the rules of corruption are subtle and unspoken, finds Evan Osnos, as he learns the dark arts from a master
Commonwealth Games 2014: Highland terriers stole the show at the opening ceremony

Highland terriers steal the show at opening ceremony

Gillian Orr explores why a dog loved by film stars and presidents is finally having its day
German art world rocked as artists use renowned fat sculpture to distil schnapps

Brewing the fat from artwork angers widow of sculptor

Part of Joseph Beuys' 1982 sculpture 'Fettecke' used to distil schnapps
BBC's The Secret History of Our Streets reveals a fascinating window into Britain's past

BBC takes viewers back down memory lane

The Secret History of Our Streets, which returns with three films looking at Scottish streets, is the inverse of Benefits Street - delivering warmth instead of cynicism
Joe, film review: Nicolas Cage delivers an astonishing performance in low budget drama

Nicolas Cage shines in low-budget drama Joe

Cage plays an ex-con in David Gordon Green's independent drama, which has been adapted from a novel by Larry Brown
How to make your own gourmet ice lollies, granitas, slushy cocktails and frozen yoghurt

Make your own ice lollies and frozen yoghurt

Think outside the cool box for this summer's tempting frozen treats
Ford Fiesta is UK's most popular car of all-time, with sales topping 4.1 million since 1976

Fiesta is UK's most popular car of all-time

Sales have topped 4.1 million since 1976. To celebrate this milestone, four Independent writers recall their Fiestas with pride