If you ask me...I have the perfect university for you A-Level students

Have you considered attending The University of Nowhere Fast, with its remit to prepare graduates for getting nowhere fast?

Share

If you ask me, I would, obviously, wish to congratulate those A‑level students who have achieved their desired grades, and would also wish to congratulate the 385,910 who have secured a university place.

Well done! This is the first step to leaving behind your youth, to boldly embarking on adult life and then, chances are, moving back in with the parents.

So I would ask: instead of going to Manchester or Warwick or Durham, have you considered enrolling at a new institution? The University of Nowhere Fast, with its remit to prepare graduates for getting nowhere fast? And the future that may actually await them, now the bankers have run away with all our money?

The University of Nowhere Fast was established in response to a government report which concluded that “today’s graduates are totally unsuited to becoming unproductive citizens who are likely to sit around on their arses all day”. And it further added: “After a degree from a regular university, many graduates completely fail to leave with their expectations dashed and their ambitions shattered, despite being up to £60,000 in debt.”

If you enrol at the University of Nowhere Fast, your first year, the foundation year, will cover all the necessary basic skills for getting nowhere fast. These include: sitting around, lying about, scrabbling down the back of sofas for any loose change, consuming unhealthy snack products, and not following up on any job applications when you don’t hear back, as what’s the point?

Once the basics are mastered, the second year will build on the first by introducing students to the joyless slog of unpaid internships, getting up at around 2pm, killing time by watching American sitcoms you’ve seen hundreds of times before, and accepting that, for you, ascending to even the first rung of the property ladder is up there with ascending Jacob’s Ladder, but markedly less probable.

The third and final year will bring it all together while teaching yet more sophisticated techniques for getting though the day, like shifting from the sofa, but only to hide when the landlord turns up to demand the sort of rip-off rents that can be charged when social housing is an impossibility. Alternatively, if you are living back at home, you will learn how to be nice to your mother because, seriously, none of this is her fault; she didn’t invent capitalism, and she didn’t expect you to become a lying around, unproductive citizen either. Truly, she didn’t.

So, enrol, and enrol today, and if you don’t hear back, please don’t pester the university with calls as to the progress of your application, or to reiterate how perfect you would be. You will only show yourself up as completely unsuited to getting nowhere fast, if you do.

Twitter: @deborahross

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

English Teacher

£22800 - £33600 per annum: Randstad Education Manchester Secondary: Experience...

Higher Level Teaching Assistants in Bradford and West Leeds

£65 - £75 per day: Randstad Education Leeds: We are currently seeking Higher L...

EYP

Negotiable: Randstad Education Manchester: Job opportunity for an Early years ...

QA Manual Tester - Agile

£300 - £350 Per Day: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our client based in Cent...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Daily catch-up: Scottish polls, the clown who saved Iceland and all about oil

John Rentoul
These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
How to make a Lego masterpiece

How to make a Lego masterpiece

Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam
'She was a singer, a superstar, an addict, but to me, her mother, she is simply Amy'

'She was a singer, a superstar, an addict, but to me, her mother, she is simply Amy'

Exclusive extract from Janis Winehouse's poignant new memoir
Is this the role to win Cumberbatch an Oscar?

Is this the role to win Cumberbatch an Oscar?

The Imitation Game, film review
England and Roy Hodgson take a joint step towards redemption in Basel

England and Hodgson take a joint step towards redemption

Welbeck double puts England on the road to Euro 2016
Relatives fight over Vivian Maier’s rare photos

Relatives fight over Vivian Maier’s rare photos

Pictures removed from public view as courts decide ownership
‘Fashion has to be fun. It’s a big business, not a cure for cancer’

‘Fashion has to be fun. It’s a big business, not a cure for cancer’

Donatella Versace at New York Fashion Week
The fall of Rome? Cash-strapped Italy accused of selling its soul to the highest bidder

The fall of Rome?

Italy's fears that corporate-sponsored restoration projects will lead to the Disneyfication of its cultural heritage
Glasgow girl made good

Glasgow girl made good

Kelly Macdonald was a waitress when she made Trainspotting. Now she’s taking Manhattan
Sequins ahoy as Strictly Come Dancing takes to the floor once more

Sequins ahoy as Strictly takes to the floor once more

Judy Murray, Frankie Bridge and co paired with dance partners
Wearable trainers and other sporty looks

Wearable trainers and other sporty looks

Alexander Wang pumps it up at New York Fashion Week
The landscape of my imagination

The landscape of my imagination

Author Kate Mosse on the place that taught her to tell stories