If you ask me...I have the perfect university for you A-Level students

Have you considered attending The University of Nowhere Fast, with its remit to prepare graduates for getting nowhere fast?

Share

If you ask me, I would, obviously, wish to congratulate those A‑level students who have achieved their desired grades, and would also wish to congratulate the 385,910 who have secured a university place.

Well done! This is the first step to leaving behind your youth, to boldly embarking on adult life and then, chances are, moving back in with the parents.

So I would ask: instead of going to Manchester or Warwick or Durham, have you considered enrolling at a new institution? The University of Nowhere Fast, with its remit to prepare graduates for getting nowhere fast? And the future that may actually await them, now the bankers have run away with all our money?

The University of Nowhere Fast was established in response to a government report which concluded that “today’s graduates are totally unsuited to becoming unproductive citizens who are likely to sit around on their arses all day”. And it further added: “After a degree from a regular university, many graduates completely fail to leave with their expectations dashed and their ambitions shattered, despite being up to £60,000 in debt.”

If you enrol at the University of Nowhere Fast, your first year, the foundation year, will cover all the necessary basic skills for getting nowhere fast. These include: sitting around, lying about, scrabbling down the back of sofas for any loose change, consuming unhealthy snack products, and not following up on any job applications when you don’t hear back, as what’s the point?

Once the basics are mastered, the second year will build on the first by introducing students to the joyless slog of unpaid internships, getting up at around 2pm, killing time by watching American sitcoms you’ve seen hundreds of times before, and accepting that, for you, ascending to even the first rung of the property ladder is up there with ascending Jacob’s Ladder, but markedly less probable.

The third and final year will bring it all together while teaching yet more sophisticated techniques for getting though the day, like shifting from the sofa, but only to hide when the landlord turns up to demand the sort of rip-off rents that can be charged when social housing is an impossibility. Alternatively, if you are living back at home, you will learn how to be nice to your mother because, seriously, none of this is her fault; she didn’t invent capitalism, and she didn’t expect you to become a lying around, unproductive citizen either. Truly, she didn’t.

So, enrol, and enrol today, and if you don’t hear back, please don’t pester the university with calls as to the progress of your application, or to reiterate how perfect you would be. You will only show yourself up as completely unsuited to getting nowhere fast, if you do.

Twitter: @deborahross

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Marketing Manager - Leicestershire - £35,000

£30000 - £35000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Marketing Manager (CIM, B2B, MS Offi...

Marketing Executive (B2B and B2C) - Rugby, Warwickshire

£22000 - £25000 per annum: Ashdown Group: A highly successful organisation wit...

SEN Coordinator + Teacher (SENCO)

£1 per day: Randstad Education Leeds: Job Purpose To work closely with the he...

Research Manager - Quantitative/Qualitative

£32000 - £42000 Per Annum: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our client is curr...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Piper Ryan Randall leads a pro-Scottish independence rally in the suburbs of Edinburgh  

i Editor's Letter: Britain survives, but change is afoot

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
Some believe that David Cameron is to blame for allowing Alex Salmond a referendum  

Scottish referendum: So how about the English now being given a chance to split from England?

Mark Steel
Scottish referendum: The Yes vote was the love that dared speak its name, but it was not to be

Despite the result, this is the end of the status quo

Boyd Tonkin on the fall-out from the Scottish referendum
Manolo Blahnik: The high priest of heels talks flats, Englishness, and why he loves Mary Beard

Manolo Blahnik: Flats, Englishness, and Mary Beard

The shoe designer who has been dubbed 'the patron saint of the stiletto'
The Beatles biographer reveals exclusive original manuscripts of some of the best pop songs ever written

Scrambled eggs and LSD

Behind The Beatles' lyrics - thanks to Hunter Davis's original manuscript copies
'Normcore' fashion: Blending in is the new standing out in latest catwalk non-trend

'Normcore': Blending in is the new standing out

Just when fashion was in grave danger of running out of trends, it only went and invented the non-trend. Rebecca Gonsalves investigates
Dance’s new leading ladies fight back: How female vocalists are now writing their own hits

New leading ladies of dance fight back

How female vocalists are now writing their own hits
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments
These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
How to make a Lego masterpiece

How to make a Lego masterpiece

Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam