If you ask me...I have the perfect university for you A-Level students

Have you considered attending The University of Nowhere Fast, with its remit to prepare graduates for getting nowhere fast?

Share

If you ask me, I would, obviously, wish to congratulate those A‑level students who have achieved their desired grades, and would also wish to congratulate the 385,910 who have secured a university place.

Well done! This is the first step to leaving behind your youth, to boldly embarking on adult life and then, chances are, moving back in with the parents.

So I would ask: instead of going to Manchester or Warwick or Durham, have you considered enrolling at a new institution? The University of Nowhere Fast, with its remit to prepare graduates for getting nowhere fast? And the future that may actually await them, now the bankers have run away with all our money?

The University of Nowhere Fast was established in response to a government report which concluded that “today’s graduates are totally unsuited to becoming unproductive citizens who are likely to sit around on their arses all day”. And it further added: “After a degree from a regular university, many graduates completely fail to leave with their expectations dashed and their ambitions shattered, despite being up to £60,000 in debt.”

If you enrol at the University of Nowhere Fast, your first year, the foundation year, will cover all the necessary basic skills for getting nowhere fast. These include: sitting around, lying about, scrabbling down the back of sofas for any loose change, consuming unhealthy snack products, and not following up on any job applications when you don’t hear back, as what’s the point?

Once the basics are mastered, the second year will build on the first by introducing students to the joyless slog of unpaid internships, getting up at around 2pm, killing time by watching American sitcoms you’ve seen hundreds of times before, and accepting that, for you, ascending to even the first rung of the property ladder is up there with ascending Jacob’s Ladder, but markedly less probable.

The third and final year will bring it all together while teaching yet more sophisticated techniques for getting though the day, like shifting from the sofa, but only to hide when the landlord turns up to demand the sort of rip-off rents that can be charged when social housing is an impossibility. Alternatively, if you are living back at home, you will learn how to be nice to your mother because, seriously, none of this is her fault; she didn’t invent capitalism, and she didn’t expect you to become a lying around, unproductive citizen either. Truly, she didn’t.

So, enrol, and enrol today, and if you don’t hear back, please don’t pester the university with calls as to the progress of your application, or to reiterate how perfect you would be. You will only show yourself up as completely unsuited to getting nowhere fast, if you do.

Twitter: @deborahross

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Care Support Workers

£7 - £9 per hour: Recruitment Genius: Due to expansion, this care company base...

Recruitment Genius: Office Manager

£21000 - £26000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a fantastic opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: Business Development Manager - South East & East Anglia

£60500 - £65500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This global leading software co...

Recruitment Genius: Junior IT Technician

£22000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Do you want the opportunity to ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Refugees try to cross the border from Greece into Macedonia, near Gevgelija, on Wednesday. The town sits on the ‘Balkan corridor’ used by refugees, mostly from Syria, to travel from Turkey to Hungary, the gateway to the EU  

The UK response to the plight of Syrian refugees is a national embarrassment

Kevin Watkins
The provincial capital of Idlib, Syria, which fell to al-Qaeda affiliate Jabhat al-Nusra last week  

'I was sure I’d be raped or killed. I was terrified': My life as a gay Syrian refugee who had to flee Isis

Subhi Nahas
Isis profits from destruction of antiquities by selling relics to dealers - and then blowing up the buildings they come from to conceal the evidence of looting

How Isis profits from destruction of antiquities

Robert Fisk on the terrorist group's manipulation of the market to increase the price of artefacts
Labour leadership: Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea

'If we lose touch we’ll end up with two decades of the Tories'

In an exclusive interview, Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea
Tunisia fears its Arab Spring could be reversed as the new regime becomes as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor

The Arab Spring reversed

Tunisian protesters fear that a new law will whitewash corrupt businessmen and officials, but they are finding that the new regime is becoming as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor
King Arthur: Legendary figure was real and lived most of his life in Strathclyde, academic claims

Academic claims King Arthur was real - and reveals where he lived

Dr Andrew Breeze says the legendary figure did exist – but was a general, not a king
Who is Oliver Bonas and how has he captured middle-class hearts?

Who is Oliver Bonas?

It's the first high-street store to pay its staff the living wage, and it saw out the recession in style
Earth has 'lost more than half its trees' since humans first started cutting them down

Axe-wielding Man fells half the world’s trees – leaving us just 422 each

However, the number of trees may be eight times higher than previously thought
60 years of Scalextric: Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones

60 years of Scalextric

Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones
Theme parks continue to draw in thrill-seekers despite the risks - so why are we so addicted?

Why are we addicted to theme parks?

Now that Banksy has unveiled his own dystopian version, Christopher Beanland considers the ups and downs of our endless quest for amusement
Tourism in Iran: The country will soon be opening up again after years of isolation

Iran is opening up again to tourists

After years of isolation, Iran is reopening its embassies abroad. Soon, there'll be the chance for the adventurous to holiday there
10 best PS4 games

10 best PS4 games

Can’t wait for the new round of blockbusters due out this autumn? We played through last year’s offering
Transfer window: Ten things we learnt

Ten things we learnt from the transfer window

Record-breaking spending shows FFP restraint no longer applies
Migrant crisis: UN official Philippe Douste-Blazy reveals the harrowing sights he encountered among refugees arriving on Lampedusa

‘Can we really just turn away?’

Dead bodies, men drowning, women miscarrying – a senior UN figure on the horrors he has witnessed among migrants arriving on Lampedusa, and urges politicians not to underestimate our caring nature
Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger as Isis ravages centuries of history

Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger...

... and not just because of Isis vandalism
Girl on a Plane: An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack

Girl on a Plane

An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack
Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

The author of 'The Day of the Jackal' has revealed he spied for MI6 while a foreign correspondent