If you ask me...I'm sticking with my 'twosie' - a more toilet-friendly outfit by far

Here's my review of 2012: A lot of stuff happened. It was marvellous

Related Topics

If you ask me, the first thing I need to do now I have returned is give you my review of last year – stuff happened; wasn’t it marvellous? – and, of course, I must offer you my preview of the year ahead (more stuff will happen; won’t it be great?) and now on to other matters, most notably this craze for something called a “onesie”. Apparently, this Christmas, the onesie proved even more popular than the “slanket”, a sort of blanket with arms, and which is only like wearing your dressing gown back to front, but there you have it. If people are willing to pay for something which is only like wearing your dressing gown back to front, who am I to tell them they are brilliantly stupid, and why don’t they just put a sock on their hand, and call it a smitten? It just isn’t my place.

Now, on to the onesie, which I have heard praised to the skies from all quarters. A onesie is cosy. A onesie is just the sort of thing to curl up in. A onesie is so comfortable. A onesie is all the joy that 100 per cent polyester has to give. A onesie may come with animal ears and a tail, and isn’t that cute? Isn’t that adorable? Haven’t you always wished to be a bear or a tiger or a zebra? Isn’t that something you’ve been yearning for all your adult life?

Personally, though, I have yet to own a onesie and I hope and pray I will never own a onesie because – am I the only one to have ever thought about this? Has the whole world gone mad apart from me?...because... do correct me if I’m wrong... because YOU EFFECTIVELY HAVE TO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES TO GO TO THE TOILET! Right? I am right, aren’t I? It can’t work any other way, can it?

So when I think of onesies, I don’t think of warmth and cosiness and curling up like a cute, furry, fleecy animal and all the joy polyester has to give, I think of people sitting naked and cold on a toilet and feeling, I reckon, rather lonely. It may even be the loneliest place in the world, what with your onesie down by your ankles and everything. Not so great being a zebra now, is it?

So, if you don’t mind, I’m going to stick to the twosie, a top and bottoms, which is the way God intended and, what the hell, on cold days I’m even going to up it to a threesie and put a jumper on top, and then a sixie, if I add socks. Heck, on an average winter day, I’m probably wearing a seventeensie, and don’t look like a creepy infant at all, but you know what? I can live with that. I truly can.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Finance Director

£65000 - £80000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Finance Director required to jo...

Recruitment Genius: Medico-Legal Assistant

£15000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a unique opportunity fo...

Ashdown Group: (PHP / Python) - Global Media firm

£50000 per annum + 26 days holiday,pension: Ashdown Group: A highly successful...

The Jenrick Group: Quality Inspector

£27000 per annum + pension + holidays: The Jenrick Group: A Quality Technician...

Day In a Page

Read Next
David Cameron faces the press as he arrives in Brussels for the EU leaders summit on Thursday reuters  

On the Tusk of a dilemma: Cameron's latest EU renegotiation foe

Andrew Grice
John Profumo and his wife Valerie Robson in 1959  

Stephen Ward’s trial was disgraceful. There can be no justification for it

Geoffrey Robertson QC
Homeless Veterans appeal: 'You look for someone who's an inspiration and try to be like them'

Homeless Veterans appeal

In 2010, Sgt Gary Jamieson stepped on an IED in Afghanistan and lost his legs and an arm. He reveals what, and who, helped him to make a remarkable recovery
Could cannabis oil reverse the effects of cancer?

Could cannabis oil reverse effects of cancer?

As a film following six patients receiving the controversial treatment is released, Kate Hilpern uncovers a very slippery issue
The Interview movie review: You can't see Seth Rogen and James Franco's Kim Jong Un assassination film, but you can read about it here

The Interview movie review

You can't see Seth Rogen and James Franco's Kim Jong Un assassination film, but you can read about it here
Serial mania has propelled podcasts into the cultural mainstream

How podcasts became mainstream

People have consumed gripping armchair investigation Serial with a relish typically reserved for box-set binges
Jesus Christ has become an unlikely pin-up for hipster marketing companies

Jesus Christ has become an unlikely pin-up

Kevin Lee Light, aka "Jesus", is the newest client of creative agency Mother while rival agency Anomaly has launched Sexy Jesus, depicting the Messiah in a series of Athena-style poses
Rosetta space mission voted most important scientific breakthrough of 2014

A memorable year for science – if not for mice

The most important scientific breakthroughs of 2014
Christmas cocktails to make you merry: From eggnog to Brown Betty and Rum Bumpo

Christmas cocktails to make you merry

Mulled wine is an essential seasonal treat. But now drinkers are rediscovering other traditional festive tipples. Angela Clutton raises a glass to Christmas cocktails
5 best activity trackers

Fitness technology: 5 best activity trackers

Up the ante in your regimen and change the habits of a lifetime with this wearable tech
Paul Scholes column: It's a little-known fact, but I have played one of the seven dwarves

Paul Scholes column

It's a little-known fact, but I have played one of the seven dwarves
Fifa's travelling circus once again steals limelight from real stars

Fifa's travelling circus once again steals limelight from real stars

Club World Cup kicked into the long grass by the continued farce surrounding Blatter, Garcia, Russia and Qatar
Frank Warren column: 2014 – boxing is back and winning new fans

Frank Warren: Boxing is back and winning new fans

2014 proves it's now one of sport's biggest hitters again
Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton: The power dynamics of the two first families

Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton

Karen Tumulty explores the power dynamics of the two first families
Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley with a hotbed of technology start-ups

Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley

The Swedish capital is home to two of the most popular video games in the world, as well as thousands of technology start-ups worth hundreds of millions of pounds – and it's all happened since 2009
Did Japanese workers really get their symbols mixed up and display Santa on a crucifix?

Crucified Santa: Urban myth refuses to die

The story goes that Japanese store workers created a life-size effigy of a smiling "Father Kurisumasu" attached to a facsimile of Our Lord's final instrument of torture
Jennifer Saunders and Kate Moss join David Walliams on set for TV adaptation of The Boy in the Dress

The Boy in the Dress: On set with the stars

Walliams' story about a boy who goes to school in a dress will be shown this Christmas