If you ask me…it’s time I expressed my true feelings on alternative medicine

Conventional science has nothing to say about realigning your energy fields with ylang-ylang. Not even one research paper.

Vials containg pills for homeopathic remedies are displayed at Ainsworths Pharmacy on August 26, 2005 in London. (Getty Images)

If you ask me, and as the “scientific basis” for alternative medical treatments is questioned yet again – the Bristol mother who tried to have her son’s brain tumour treated in an oxygen chamber; Prince Charles further endorsing homeopathy – I feel it is time I showed my colours and spoke up on behalf of alternative medicine and its practitioners. You may even quiz me on this, if you like:

So, are you against conventional science?

Not at all. It certainly has its place for, say, curing and preventing diseases, explaining our planet, saving our endangered species, tracing our evolution, extending all our life-spans and enhancing the quality of all our lives, but it has nothing to say, for example, about realigning your energy fields with ylang-ylang and as anyone who has realigned their energy fields with ylang-ylang will tell you: “My energy fields were all over the place previously, but now run as straight, smoothly and punctually as a Swiss train.” Having researched the scientific literature in depth, I can tell you with confidence that conventional medicine has done nothing when it comes to energy fields running like Swiss trains, and has nothing to say about it. Nothing. Not even one research paper. Pathetic.

What is the principle behind homeopathy?

Homoeopaths treat the sick with extremely diluted agents, sometimes so diluted that the water only has a “memory” of the “curative powers” of the original agent.

Does this mean I can pay a homeopath with the fluff from my pocket, which, surely, would “remember” it had rubbed up against money at some point?

Yes. Of course. It would make just as much sense, although do remember this: if the homeopath refuses the fluff, turfs you out of his office, or sends you invoice after invoice before putting the bailiffs on to you, it is only because a homeopath’s brain “remembers” that cash is nice and, as a rule, more acceptable should you wish to purchase, say, a latté from Starbucks or curtains from John Lewis. This, I’m afraid, is a sad indictment of the world we live in today, which cannot accept fluff for the memories it might hold. Such a pity.

Some people say that, rather than consult an alternative therapist, you may as well consult a cat. What do you think of this?

I would laugh in their faces.

When it comes down to it, isn’t laughter the best medicine?

Yes. Though I’m forced to admit that when it comes to erectile dysfunction the jury is still rather out.