If you ask me...Nick Clegg is the master of U-turns, so let's spare a thought for his poor wife Miriam

According to the British School of Votering, you cannot get your politician’s licence and be let loose on voters without mastering the U-turn

Share

If you ask me, Nick Clegg’s claim he knew nothing about the sexual harassment allegations against Lord Rennard, followed by an admission that he actually did proves, beyond any doubt, he is the absolute master of the of the U-turn. This is maddening for anyone who voted for him in the hope, for example, that he would stick to his word with regard to tuition fees, or would prove the sort of mensch who would one day take accusations of molestation seriously, but, please, spare a thought for his wife, Miriam, who has to live with it day in, day out, which is quite a thing.

Indeed, as she has said, she must now do all their motorway driving “as Nick can make his U-turns without any warning, and at speed, which is completely terrifying”. In fact, there is very little she can now trust him with. Just the other day, she asked him to pick up some aspirin on his way home, as she had a headache, but did he? He did not. And as he told her: “True, I used to feel your pain, but as of yesterday afternoon, when I performed one of my U-turns, it is simply no longer my policy.”

The U-turn is, of course, an essential skill for politicians generally – according to the British School of Votering, you cannot get your politician’s licence and be let loose on voters without it – but no one has perfected these turns quite as expertly as Mr Clegg who, it is now more than clear, said one thing to get the gig, then quite another once he got into office. To perform such turns, the BSV offers the following instructions:

  • Before you make your U-turn, check both ways to see that the evidence is mounting against you, that it’s a cul-de-sac, that there is no other way out, and that you are a weak-minded disappointment without a single shred of integrity left to your name.

 

  • If you see there is a sign cautioning against U-turns, and you ignore it, you must be prepared to later offer a televised apology, as if this makes it any better, or even makes amends.

 

  • To make the actual turn, signal right, check over your shoulder for David Cameron urging you on, think of your office and that nice mahogany desk, then pull to the right as strongly as you can. (Although you never thought you could pull to the right with such strength, there is every chance you will surprise even yourself by just how right you can go.)

And next week? I will be advising you how to backpedal your way out of trouble by pedalling, backwards, as this is something Mr Clegg appears to have mastered, too.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Senior IP Opportunity at Major Firm

vary Attractive Salary: Austen Lloyd: MANCHESTER - AN OPENING AT A VERY HIGH Q...

Nursery Manager

£100 - £110 per day: Randstad Education Ilford: Nursery Manager Long term Ran...

Sales Consultant – Permanent – West Sussex – £24-£25k plus commission and other benefits

£24000 - £25000 Per Annum plus company car and commission: Clearwater People S...

SEN Teaching Assistant

£45 - £65 per day: Randstad Education Bristol: Supply SEN Support Jobs in Bris...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The Liberal Democrats leader says efforts need to be focused on cracking down on the criminal gangs  

Nick Clegg: We should to go to war on drugs, not on addicts

Nick Clegg
East German border guards stand on a section of the Berlin wall in front of the Brandenburg gate on November 11, 1989  

Twenty-five years after the Berlin Wall fell, Hungary’s PM thinks it is Western capitalism that is in its death throes

Peter Popham
The drugs revolution starts now as MPs agree its high time for change

The drugs revolution starts now as MPs agree its high time for change

Commons debate highlights growing cross-party consensus on softening UK drugs legislation, unchanged for 43 years
The camera is turned on tabloid editors in Richard Peppiatt's 'One Rogue Reporter'

Gotcha! The camera is turned on tabloid editors

Hugh Grant says Richard Peppiatt's 'One Rogue Reporter' documentary will highlight issues raised by Leveson
Fall of the Berlin Wall: It was thanks to Mikhail Gorbachev that this symbol of division fell

Fall of the Berlin Wall

It was thanks to Gorbachev that this symbol of division fell
Halloween 2014: What makes Ouija boards, demon dolls, and evil clowns so frightening?

What makes ouija boards and demon dolls scary?

Ouija boards, demon dolls, evil children and clowns are all classic tropes of horror, and this year’s Halloween releases feature them all. What makes them so frightening, decade after decade?
A safari in modern Britain: Rose Rouse reveals how her four-year tour of Harlesden taught her as much about the UK as it did about NW10

Rose Rouse's safari in modern Britain

Rouse decided to walk and talk with as many different people as possible in her neighbourhood of Harlesden and her experiences have been published in a new book
Welcome to my world of no smell and odd tastes: How a bike accident left one woman living with unwanted food mash-ups

'My world of no smell and odd tastes'

A head injury from a bicycle accident had the surprising effect of robbing Nell Frizzell of two of her senses

Matt Parker is proud of his square roots

The "stand-up mathematician" is using comedy nights to preach maths to big audiences
Paul Scholes column: Beating Manchester City is vital part of life at Manchester United. This is first major test for Luke Shaw, Angel Di Maria and Radamel Falcao – it’s not a game to lose

Paul Scholes column

Beating City is vital part of life at United. This is first major test for Shaw, Di Maria and Falcao – it’s not a game to lose
Frank Warren: Call me an old git, but I just can't see that there's a place for women’s boxing

Frank Warren column

Call me an old git, but I just can't see that there's a place for women’s boxing
Adrian Heath interview: Former Everton striker prepares his Orlando City side for the MLS - and having Kaka in the dressing room

Adrian Heath's American dream...

Former Everton striker prepares his Orlando City side for the MLS - and having Kaka in the dressing room
Simon Hart: Manchester City will rise again but they need to change their attitude

Manchester City will rise again but they need to change their attitude

Manuel Pellegrini’s side are too good to fail and derby allows them to start again, says Simon Hart
Isis in Syria: A general reveals the lack of communication with the US - and his country's awkward relationship with their allies-by-default

A Syrian general speaks

A senior officer of Bashar al-Assad’s regime talks to Robert Fisk about his army’s brutal struggle with Isis, in a dirty war whose challenges include widespread atrocities
‘A bit of a shock...’ Cambridge economist with Glasgow roots becomes Zambia’s acting President

‘A bit of a shock...’ Economist with Glasgow roots becomes Zambia’s acting President

Guy Scott's predecessor, Michael Sata, died in a London hospital this week after a lengthy illness
Fall of the Berlin Wall: History catches up with Erich Honecker - the East German leader who praised the Iron Curtain and claimed it prevented a Third World War

Fall of the Berlin Wall

History catches up with Erich Honecker - the East German leader who praised the Iron Curtain and claimed it prevented a Third World War
How to turn your mobile phone into easy money

Turn your mobile phone into easy money

There are 90 million unused mobiles in the UK, which would be worth £7bn if we cashed them in, says David Crookes