If you ask me...Nick Clegg is the master of U-turns, so let's spare a thought for his poor wife Miriam

According to the British School of Votering, you cannot get your politician’s licence and be let loose on voters without mastering the U-turn

Share

If you ask me, Nick Clegg’s claim he knew nothing about the sexual harassment allegations against Lord Rennard, followed by an admission that he actually did proves, beyond any doubt, he is the absolute master of the of the U-turn. This is maddening for anyone who voted for him in the hope, for example, that he would stick to his word with regard to tuition fees, or would prove the sort of mensch who would one day take accusations of molestation seriously, but, please, spare a thought for his wife, Miriam, who has to live with it day in, day out, which is quite a thing.

Indeed, as she has said, she must now do all their motorway driving “as Nick can make his U-turns without any warning, and at speed, which is completely terrifying”. In fact, there is very little she can now trust him with. Just the other day, she asked him to pick up some aspirin on his way home, as she had a headache, but did he? He did not. And as he told her: “True, I used to feel your pain, but as of yesterday afternoon, when I performed one of my U-turns, it is simply no longer my policy.”

The U-turn is, of course, an essential skill for politicians generally – according to the British School of Votering, you cannot get your politician’s licence and be let loose on voters without it – but no one has perfected these turns quite as expertly as Mr Clegg who, it is now more than clear, said one thing to get the gig, then quite another once he got into office. To perform such turns, the BSV offers the following instructions:

  • Before you make your U-turn, check both ways to see that the evidence is mounting against you, that it’s a cul-de-sac, that there is no other way out, and that you are a weak-minded disappointment without a single shred of integrity left to your name.

 

  • If you see there is a sign cautioning against U-turns, and you ignore it, you must be prepared to later offer a televised apology, as if this makes it any better, or even makes amends.

 

  • To make the actual turn, signal right, check over your shoulder for David Cameron urging you on, think of your office and that nice mahogany desk, then pull to the right as strongly as you can. (Although you never thought you could pull to the right with such strength, there is every chance you will surprise even yourself by just how right you can go.)

And next week? I will be advising you how to backpedal your way out of trouble by pedalling, backwards, as this is something Mr Clegg appears to have mastered, too.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: UI / UX Designer

£25000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This firm are focussed on assis...

Recruitment Genius: General Processor

£7 per hour: Recruitment Genius: A vacancy has arisen for a General Processor ...

Recruitment Genius: Outbound Sales Executive - B2B

£18000 - £22000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A great opportunity has arisen ...

Recruitment Genius: Online Sales and Customer Services Associate

£14000 - £16000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Full time and Part time positio...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

i Editor's Letter: Our representatives must represent us

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
MP David Lammy would become the capital’s first black mayor if he won the 2016 Mayoral election  

Crime, punishment and morals: we’re entering a maze with no clear exit

Simon Kelner
War with Isis: Iraq's government fights to win back Tikrit from militants - but then what?

Baghdad fights to win back Tikrit from Isis – but then what?

Patrick Cockburn reports from Kirkuk on a conflict which sectarianism has made intractable
Living with Alzheimer's: What is it really like to be diagnosed with early-onset dementia?

What is it like to live with Alzheimer's?

Depicting early-onset Alzheimer's, the film 'Still Alice' had a profound effect on Joy Watson, who lives with the illness. She tells Kate Hilpern how she's coped with the diagnosis
The Internet of Things: Meet the British salesman who gave real-world items a virtual life

Setting in motion the Internet of Things

British salesman Kevin Ashton gave real-world items a virtual life
Election 2015: Latest polling reveals Tories and Labour on course to win the same number of seats - with the SNP holding the balance of power

Election 2015: A dead heat between Mr Bean and Dick Dastardly!

Lord Ashcroft reveals latest polling – and which character voters associate with each leader
Audiences queue up for 'true stories told live' as cult competition The Moth goes global

Cult competition The Moth goes global

The non-profit 'slam storytelling' competition was founded in 1997 by the novelist George Dawes Green and has seen Malcolm Gladwell, Salman Rushdie and Molly Ringwald all take their turn at the mic
Pakistani women come out fighting: A hard-hitting play focuses on female Muslim boxers

Pakistani women come out fighting

Hard-hitting new play 'No Guts, No Heart, No Glory' focuses on female Muslim boxers
Leonora Carrington transcended her stolid background to become an avant garde star

Surreal deal: Leonora Carrington

The artist transcended her stolid background to become an avant garde star
LGBT History Month: Pupils discuss topics from Sappho to same-sex marriage

Education: LGBT History Month

Pupils have been discussing topics from Sappho to same-sex marriage
11 best gel eyeliners

Go bold this season: 11 best gel eyeliners

Use an ink pot eyeliner to go bold on the eyes with this season's feline flicked winged liner
Cricket World Cup 2015: Tournament runs riot to make the event more hit than miss...

Cricket World Cup runs riot to make the event more hit than miss...

The tournament has reached its halfway mark and scores of 300 and amazing catches abound. One thing never changes, though – everyone loves beating England
Katarina Johnson-Thompson: Heptathlete ready to jump at first major title

Katarina Johnson-Thompson: Ready to jump at first major title

After her 2014 was ruined by injury, 21-year-old Briton is leading pentathlete going into this week’s European Indoors. Now she intends to turn form into gold
Syrian conflict is the world's first 'climate change war', say scientists, but it won't be the last one

Climate change key in Syrian conflict

And it will trigger more war in future
How I outwitted the Gestapo

How I outwitted the Gestapo

My life as a Jew in wartime Berlin
The nation's favourite animal revealed

The nation's favourite animal revealed

Women like cuddly creatures whilst men like creepy-crawlies
Is this the way to get young people to vote?

Getting young people to vote

From #VOTESELFISH to Bite the Ballot