If you ask me...Pack your gladiator sandals – you might have to kill while on holiday

We do know of one woman who went on holiday as she regularly is, taking only clothes she regularly wears and she's lucky not to have been arrested

Share

If you ask me, now the holiday season is upon us, Not OK!, my magazine for the woman who would be self-improving, if only she could be made to somehow give a damn, answers your holiday wardrobe questions in the light of the recent survey that women spend more on their wardrobe than they do on the actual holiday.

Is it essential to acquire a “holiday wardrobe”?

Ha, ha, ha! You are winding us up, right? Although we do know of one woman who went on holiday as she regularly is, taking only clothes she regularly wears, and no harm came to her – in fact, she saved herself a great deal of money and stress and did not have to cart about a bundle of useless items she would never wear again, even if she wore them once – it is actually against the law. She is lucky, in fact, not to have  been arrested although, having got away with it this time, there is no saying she will get away with it again, and if they catch you without a “holiday wardrobe” in Thailand they do not, I’m afraid, show any leniency whatsoever.

Are gladiator sandals still on trend?

Possibly not, but they will prove useful should you be required to kill a fellow human being in a large arena for the entertainment of the public. For this reason, I would advise packing a pair. Although it is unlikely you will be called upon to kill a fellow human being in a large arena for the entertainment of the public, if you were, you would not wish to then discover you do not have the right footwear.

Am I required to purchase what is known as “a cover-up” for the beach when it is only an overpriced flimsy bit of nothing?

We agree that “cover-ups”, as sold, are overpriced flimsy bits of nothing. However, on a brighter note, you will not even need a ‘“cover-up” if, prior to your departure, you employ an airbrush artist to thin your thighs, flatten your stomach and tone your arms so they look like bronzed balustrades. This way, you will look as good as any of the women in the glossy magazines.

I’m thinking I can do without a Cath Kidston straw basket with pretty floral lining to “transport all my daily items to and from the pool”, but might I live to regret that?

Yes, and we are quite firm about this: you will never, ever forgive yourself if you do not purchase a Cath Kidston straw basket with pretty floral lining to transport your daily items to and from a pool, even if you are nowhere near a pool. We’re surprised, frankly, you even have to ask.

Is it true that there is a swimsuit to flatter every body shape?

So it is said, and it may now even be true as Figleaves.com has just started doing swimwear for anyone shaped like a 1950s single-slot toaster and, next year, they’ll be unveiling their  collection for those shaped like that bit of fishfinger embedded in the wall of everybody’s freezer.

“I can’t wait,” says a woman who is shaped like that bit of fishfinger embedded in the wall of everybody’s freezer.

Twitter: @deborahross

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Guru Careers: Software Developer / C# Developer

£40-50K: Guru Careers: We are seeking an experienced Software / C# Developer w...

Guru Careers: Software Developer

£35 - 40k + Benefits: Guru Careers: We are seeking a Software Developer (JavaS...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant / Resourcer

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Commission: SThree: As a Trainee Recruitment Consu...

Ashdown Group: UI Developer - (UI, HTML, CSS, JavaScript, AngularJS)

£25000 - £40000 per annum: Ashdown Group: UI Developer - (UI, JavaScript, HTML...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The PM proposed 'commonsense restrictions' on migrant benefits  

So who, really, is David Cameron, our re-elected ‘one nation’ Prime Minister?

Andrew Grice
Time travel: Thomas Cook has been trading since 1841  

A horror show from Thomas Cook that tells you all you need to know about ethical consumerism

Janet Street-Porter
Sun, sex and an anthropological study: One British academic's summer of hell in Magaluf

Sun, sex and an anthropological study

One academic’s summer of hell in Magaluf
From Shakespeare to Rising Damp... to Vicious

Frances de la Tour's 50-year triumph

'Rising Damp' brought De la Tour such recognition that she could be forgiven if she'd never been able to move on. But at 70, she continues to flourish - and to beguile
'That Whitsun, I was late getting away...'

Ian McMillan on the Whitsun Weddings

This weekend is Whitsun, and while the festival may no longer resonate, Larkin's best-loved poem, lives on - along with the train journey at the heart of it
Kathryn Williams explores the works and influences of Sylvia Plath in a new light

Songs from the bell jar

Kathryn Williams explores the works and influences of Sylvia Plath
How one man's day in high heels showed him that Cannes must change its 'no flats' policy

One man's day in high heels

...showed him that Cannes must change its 'flats' policy
Is a quiet crusade to reform executive pay bearing fruit?

Is a quiet crusade to reform executive pay bearing fruit?

Dominic Rossi of Fidelity says his pressure on business to control rewards is working. But why aren’t other fund managers helping?
The King David Hotel gives precious work to Palestinians - unless peace talks are on

King David Hotel: Palestinians not included

The King David is special to Jerusalem. Nick Kochan checked in and discovered it has some special arrangements, too
More people moving from Australia to New Zealand than in the other direction for first time in 24 years

End of the Aussie brain drain

More people moving from Australia to New Zealand than in the other direction for first time in 24 years
Meditation is touted as a cure for mental instability but can it actually be bad for you?

Can meditation be bad for you?

Researching a mass murder, Dr Miguel Farias discovered that, far from bringing inner peace, meditation can leave devotees in pieces
Eurovision 2015: Australians will be cheering on their first-ever entrant this Saturday

Australia's first-ever Eurovision entrant

Australia, a nation of kitsch-worshippers, has always loved the Eurovision Song Contest. Maggie Alderson says it'll fit in fine
Letterman's final Late Show: Laughter, but no tears, as David takes his bow after 33 years

Laughter, but no tears, as Letterman takes his bow after 33 years

Veteran talkshow host steps down to plaudits from four presidents
Ivor Novello Awards 2015: Hozier wins with anti-Catholic song 'Take Me To Church' as John Whittingdale leads praise for Black Sabbath

Hozier's 'blasphemous' song takes Novello award

Singer joins Ed Sheeran and Clean Bandit in celebration of the best in British and Irish music
Tequila gold rush: The spirit has gone from a cheap shot to a multi-billion pound product

Join the tequila gold rush

The spirit has gone from a cheap shot to a multi-billion pound product
12 best statement wallpapers

12 best statement wallpapers

Make an impact and transform a room with a conversation-starting pattern
Paul Scholes column: Does David De Gea really want to leave Manchester United to fight it out for the No 1 spot at Real Madrid?

Paul Scholes column

Does David De Gea really want to leave Manchester United to fight it out for the No 1 spot at Real Madrid?