If you ask me...Pippa Middleton must realise the brutal training us real columnists have undergone

For most columnists, it’s been a long haul, and it’s never a matter of simply typing out any old rubbish from the top of your head

Share

If you ask me, I beg you to not be too hard on Ms Pippa Middleton, and her new gig as a columnist with Waitrose Kitchen magazine, a position she has achieved even though her book, Celebrate, was widely derided, and she knows no more about food and cooking than you or I. It’s all about smart connections these days, people are saying, and where is it all going to end? With the entire Tatler Top 100 in government?

Actually, if they were, would it really be so bad? What if it was discovered, say, that what the people most want is more tennis? Wouldn’t they be best suited to push such measures through? Wouldn’t they understand that if the people want more tennis, they should have more tennis? Wouldn’t you like more tennis? I know I would.

So, fellow columnists, put your bitterness away, and all that grumbling about the unfairness of it all, and having to work your guts out to get to where you are today. We know, we know. We know it took four years studying at Columnist School, then rising though the ranks as Junior Columnist, Senior Columnist, right through, hopefully, to one day becoming a Consultant Columnist, with a tough speciality, like beauty tips or gossip or what was on TV last night or putting those ticks and crosses on the Oscar frocks. (You didn’t think just anyone could place ticks and crosses on Oscar frocks, did you? Were you born yesterday?) There are some who even make it as Big Name Columnists like, for example, Piers Morgan. Would he have got to where he is today if he had no proper qualifications, and wasn’t fully trained, so had nothing to bring to the table, besides being a woeful arse?

So we know that, for most columnists, it’s been a long haul, and it’s never a matter of simply typing out any old rubbish from the top of your head, then dancing around the room with the cheque, exclaiming, “I can’t believe they paid me for that! I can’t believe they paid me for that! Suckers!” It takes years of endeavour and dedication and, on occasion, even getting out of bed, although rarely leaving the house if it can be at all helped. It’s far from an easy gig, so I wish Ms Middleton luck with her new column which, as I understand it, is to be titled “Friday Night Feasts”. What does she expect people to eat on the other days of the week? I don’t know...cake?

Deborah Ross BColSc, DCol, FRCC, sits on the General Columnists Council and is also a contributor to whomever will have her. All proceeds from this article will be donated to her personal bank account

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Project Coordinator

Competitive: The Green Recruitment Company: The Organisation: The Green Recrui...

Project Manager (HR)- Bristol - Upto £400 p/day

£350 - £400 per annum + competitive: Orgtel: Project Manager (specializing in ...

Embedded Linux Engineer

£40000 - £50000 per annum + competitive: Progressive Recruitment: Embedded Sof...

Senior Hardware Design Engineer - Broadcast

£50000 - £65000 per annum + Benefits: Progressive Recruitment: Working for a m...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The Lada became a symbol of Russia’s failure to keep up with Western economies  

Our sanctions will not cripple Russia. It is doing a lot of the dirty work itself

Hamish McRae
The Israeli ambassador to the US, Ron Dermer, has been dubbed ‘Bibi’s brain’  

Patrick Cockburn: Israel's propaganda machine is finally starting to misfire

Patrick Cockburn
Save the tiger: The animals bred for bones on China’s tiger farms

The animals bred for bones on China’s tiger farms

The big cats kept in captivity to perform for paying audiences and then, when dead, their bodies used to fortify wine
A former custard factory, a Midlands bog and a Leeds cemetery all included in top 50 hidden spots in the UK

A former custard factory, a Midlands bog and a Leeds cemetery

Introducing the top 50 hidden spots in Britain
Ebola epidemic: Plagued by fear

Ebola epidemic: Plagued by fear

How a disease that has claimed fewer than 2,000 victims in its history has earned a place in the darkest corner of the public's imagination
The children were playing in the street with toy guns. The air strikes were tragically real

The air strikes were tragically real

The children were playing in the street with toy guns
Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite – The British, as others see us

Britain as others see us

Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite
Countries that don’t survey their tigers risk losing them altogether

Countries that don’t survey their tigers risk losing them

Jonathon Porritt sounds the alarm
How did our legends really begin?

How did our legends really begin?

Applying the theory of evolution to the world's many mythologies
Watch out: Lambrusco is back on the menu

Lambrusco is back on the menu

Naff Seventies corner-shop staple is this year's Aperol Spritz
A new Russian revolution: Cracks start to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc

A new Russian revolution

Cracks start to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc
Eugene de Kock: Apartheid’s sadistic killer that his country cannot forgive

Apartheid’s sadistic killer that his country cannot forgive

The debate rages in South Africa over whether Eugene de Kock should ever be released from jail
Standing my ground: If sitting is bad for your health, what happens when you stay on your feet for a whole month?

Standing my ground

If sitting is bad for your health, what happens when you stay on your feet for a whole month?
Commonwealth Games 2014: Dai Greene prays for chance to rebuild after injury agony

Greene prays for chance to rebuild after injury agony

Welsh hurdler was World, European and Commonwealth champion, but then the injuries crept in
Israel-Gaza conflict: Secret report helps Israelis to hide facts

Patrick Cockburn: Secret report helps Israel to hide facts

The slickness of Israel's spokesmen is rooted in directions set down by pollster Frank Luntz
The man who dared to go on holiday

The man who dared to go on holiday

New York's mayor has taken a vacation - in a nation that has still to enforce paid leave, it caused quite a stir, reports Rupert Cornwell