If you ask me...Pippa Middleton must realise the brutal training us real columnists have undergone

For most columnists, it’s been a long haul, and it’s never a matter of simply typing out any old rubbish from the top of your head

Share

If you ask me, I beg you to not be too hard on Ms Pippa Middleton, and her new gig as a columnist with Waitrose Kitchen magazine, a position she has achieved even though her book, Celebrate, was widely derided, and she knows no more about food and cooking than you or I. It’s all about smart connections these days, people are saying, and where is it all going to end? With the entire Tatler Top 100 in government?

Actually, if they were, would it really be so bad? What if it was discovered, say, that what the people most want is more tennis? Wouldn’t they be best suited to push such measures through? Wouldn’t they understand that if the people want more tennis, they should have more tennis? Wouldn’t you like more tennis? I know I would.

So, fellow columnists, put your bitterness away, and all that grumbling about the unfairness of it all, and having to work your guts out to get to where you are today. We know, we know. We know it took four years studying at Columnist School, then rising though the ranks as Junior Columnist, Senior Columnist, right through, hopefully, to one day becoming a Consultant Columnist, with a tough speciality, like beauty tips or gossip or what was on TV last night or putting those ticks and crosses on the Oscar frocks. (You didn’t think just anyone could place ticks and crosses on Oscar frocks, did you? Were you born yesterday?) There are some who even make it as Big Name Columnists like, for example, Piers Morgan. Would he have got to where he is today if he had no proper qualifications, and wasn’t fully trained, so had nothing to bring to the table, besides being a woeful arse?

So we know that, for most columnists, it’s been a long haul, and it’s never a matter of simply typing out any old rubbish from the top of your head, then dancing around the room with the cheque, exclaiming, “I can’t believe they paid me for that! I can’t believe they paid me for that! Suckers!” It takes years of endeavour and dedication and, on occasion, even getting out of bed, although rarely leaving the house if it can be at all helped. It’s far from an easy gig, so I wish Ms Middleton luck with her new column which, as I understand it, is to be titled “Friday Night Feasts”. What does she expect people to eat on the other days of the week? I don’t know...cake?

Deborah Ross BColSc, DCol, FRCC, sits on the General Columnists Council and is also a contributor to whomever will have her. All proceeds from this article will be donated to her personal bank account

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Barnardo's: Corporate Audit and Inspection – Retail Intern (Leeds)

Unpaid - £4 lunch allowance plus travel to and from work: Barnardo's: Purpose ...

Recruitment Genius: Content Writer - Global Financial Services

£25000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: From modest beginnings the comp...

Recruitment Genius: Web Developer - PHP

£35000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: From modest beginnings the comp...

Recruitment Genius: Customer Service / Receptionist

£15000 - £24000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Turkey, where Executive Escapes had 500 clients when it went bust  

Why do holiday companies go bust on Fridays?

Simon Calder
Journalists Alison Parker and Adam Ward, who were killed after a gunman opened fire during a live broadcast in Virginia  

Because of Facebook and Twitter I still have Alison Parker's final chilling moments looping in my head

Nash Riggins
The Silk Roads that trace civilisation: Long before the West rose to power, Asian pathways were connecting peoples and places

The Silk Roads that trace civilisation

Long before the West rose to power, Asian pathways were connecting peoples and places
House of Lords: Outcry as donors, fixers and MPs caught up in expenses scandal are ennobled

The honours that shame Britain

Outcry as donors, fixers and MPs caught up in expenses scandal are ennobled
When it comes to street harassment, we need to talk about race

'When it comes to street harassment, we need to talk about race'

Why are black men living the stereotypes and why are we letting them get away with it?
International Tap Festival: Forget Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers - this dancing is improvised, spontaneous and rhythmic

International Tap Festival comes to the UK

Forget Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers - this dancing is improvised, spontaneous and rhythmic
War with Isis: Is Turkey's buffer zone in Syria a matter of self-defence – or just anti-Kurd?

Turkey's buffer zone in Syria: self-defence – or just anti-Kurd?

Ankara accused of exacerbating racial division by allowing Turkmen minority to cross the border
Doris Lessing: Acclaimed novelist was kept under MI5 observation for 18 years, newly released papers show

'A subversive brothel keeper and Communist'

Acclaimed novelist Doris Lessing was kept under MI5 observation for 18 years, newly released papers show
Big Blue Live: BBC's Springwatch offshoot swaps back gardens for California's Monterey Bay

BBC heads to the Californian coast

The Big Blue Live crew is preparing for the first of three episodes on Sunday night, filming from boats, planes and an aquarium studio
Austin Bidwell: The Victorian fraudster who shook the Bank of England with the most daring forgery the world had known

Victorian fraudster who shook the Bank of England

Conman Austin Bidwell. was a heartless cad who carried out the most daring forgery the world had known
Car hacking scandal: Security designed to stop thieves hot-wiring almost every modern motor has been cracked

Car hacking scandal

Security designed to stop thieves hot-wiring almost every modern motor has been cracked
10 best placemats

Take your seat: 10 best placemats

Protect your table and dine in style with a bold new accessory
Ashes 2015: Alastair Cook not the only one to be caught in The Oval mindwarp

Cook not the only one to be caught in The Oval mindwarp

Aussie skipper Michael Clarke was lured into believing that what we witnessed at Edgbaston and Trent Bridge would continue in London, says Kevin Garside
Can Rafael Benitez get the best out of Gareth Bale at Real Madrid?

Can Benitez get the best out of Bale?

Back at the club he watched as a boy, the pressure is on Benitez to find a winning blend from Real's multiple talents. As La Liga begins, Pete Jenson asks if it will be enough to stop Barcelona
Athletics World Championships 2015: Beijing witnesses new stage in the Jessica Ennis-Hill and Katarina Johnson-Thompson heptathlon rivalry

Beijing witnesses new stage in the Jess and Kat rivalry

The last time the two British heptathletes competed, Ennis-Hill was on the way to Olympic gold and Johnson-Thompson was just a promising teenager. But a lot has happened in the following three years
Jeremy Corbyn: Joining a shrewd operator desperate for power as he visits the North East

Jeremy Corbyn interview: A shrewd operator desperate for power

His radical anti-austerity agenda has caught the imagination of the left and politically disaffected and set a staid Labour leadership election alight
Isis executes Palmyra antiquities chief: Defender of ancient city's past was killed for protecting its future

Isis executes Palmyra antiquities chief

Robert Fisk on the defender of the ancient city's past who was killed for protecting its future