If you ask me...Pippa Middleton must realise the brutal training us real columnists have undergone

For most columnists, it’s been a long haul, and it’s never a matter of simply typing out any old rubbish from the top of your head

Share

If you ask me, I beg you to not be too hard on Ms Pippa Middleton, and her new gig as a columnist with Waitrose Kitchen magazine, a position she has achieved even though her book, Celebrate, was widely derided, and she knows no more about food and cooking than you or I. It’s all about smart connections these days, people are saying, and where is it all going to end? With the entire Tatler Top 100 in government?

Actually, if they were, would it really be so bad? What if it was discovered, say, that what the people most want is more tennis? Wouldn’t they be best suited to push such measures through? Wouldn’t they understand that if the people want more tennis, they should have more tennis? Wouldn’t you like more tennis? I know I would.

So, fellow columnists, put your bitterness away, and all that grumbling about the unfairness of it all, and having to work your guts out to get to where you are today. We know, we know. We know it took four years studying at Columnist School, then rising though the ranks as Junior Columnist, Senior Columnist, right through, hopefully, to one day becoming a Consultant Columnist, with a tough speciality, like beauty tips or gossip or what was on TV last night or putting those ticks and crosses on the Oscar frocks. (You didn’t think just anyone could place ticks and crosses on Oscar frocks, did you? Were you born yesterday?) There are some who even make it as Big Name Columnists like, for example, Piers Morgan. Would he have got to where he is today if he had no proper qualifications, and wasn’t fully trained, so had nothing to bring to the table, besides being a woeful arse?

So we know that, for most columnists, it’s been a long haul, and it’s never a matter of simply typing out any old rubbish from the top of your head, then dancing around the room with the cheque, exclaiming, “I can’t believe they paid me for that! I can’t believe they paid me for that! Suckers!” It takes years of endeavour and dedication and, on occasion, even getting out of bed, although rarely leaving the house if it can be at all helped. It’s far from an easy gig, so I wish Ms Middleton luck with her new column which, as I understand it, is to be titled “Friday Night Feasts”. What does she expect people to eat on the other days of the week? I don’t know...cake?

Deborah Ross BColSc, DCol, FRCC, sits on the General Columnists Council and is also a contributor to whomever will have her. All proceeds from this article will be donated to her personal bank account

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

English Teacher

Negotiable: Randstad Education Leeds: Secondary English Teacher for a academy ...

Humanities Teacher (Pat Cover)

Negotiable: Randstad Education Leeds: Humanities Teacher needed for a maternit...

Secondary Art Teacher

£20000 - £30000 per annum: Randstad Education Leeds: Secondary Art Teacher Kir...

1:1 Tuition

£23000 - £33000 per annum: Randstad Education Leeds: English Intervention Teac...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Daily catch-up: EU news, and other reasons to be cheerful

John Rentoul
The influx of hundreds of thousands of eastern European workers has significantly altered the composition of some parts of Britain  

Immigration is the issue many in Labour fear most

Nigel Morris
Wilko Johnson, now the bad news: musician splits with manager after police investigate assault claims

Wilko Johnson, now the bad news

Former Dr Feelgood splits with manager after police investigate assault claims
Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands ahead of the US midterm elections

Mark Udall: The Democrat Senator with a fight on his hands

The Senator for Colorado is for gay rights, for abortion rights – and in the Republicans’ sights as they threaten to take control of the Senate next month
New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

New discoveries show more contact between far-flung prehistoric humans than had been thought

Evidence found of contact between Easter Islanders and South America
Cerys Matthews reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of Dylan Thomas

Cerys Matthews on Dylan Thomas

The singer reveals how her uncle taped 150 interviews for a biography of the famous Welsh poet
DIY is not fun and we've finally realised this as a nation

Homebase closures: 'DIY is not fun'

Homebase has announced the closure of one in four of its stores. Nick Harding, who never did know his awl from his elbow, is glad to see the back of DIY
The Battle of the Five Armies: Air New Zealand releases new Hobbit-inspired in-flight video

Air New Zealand's wizard in-flight video

The airline has released a new Hobbit-inspired clip dubbed "The most epic safety video ever made"
Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month - but can you stomach the sweetness?

Pumpkin spice is the flavour of the month

The combination of cinnamon, clove, nutmeg (and no actual pumpkin), now flavours everything from lattes to cream cheese in the US
11 best sonic skincare brushes

11 best sonic skincare brushes

Forget the flannel - take skincare to the next level by using your favourite cleanser with a sonic facial brush
Paul Scholes column: I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Phil Jones and Marcos Rojo

Paul Scholes column

I'm not worried about Manchester United's defence - Chelsea test can be the making of Jones and Rojo
Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

Frank Warren: Boxing has its problems but in all my time I've never seen a crooked fight

While other sports are stalked by corruption, we are an easy target for the critics
Jamie Roberts exclusive interview: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Jamie Roberts: 'I'm a man of my word – I'll stay in Paris'

Wales centre says he’s not coming home but is looking to establish himself at Racing Métro
How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?

A crime that reveals London's dark heart

How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?
Meet 'Porridge' and 'Vampire': Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker

Lost in translation: Western monikers

Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker. Simon Usborne, who met a 'Porridge' and a 'Vampire' while in China, can see the problem
Handy hacks that make life easier: New book reveals how to rid your inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone

Handy hacks that make life easier

New book reveals how to rid your email inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone with a loo-roll
KidZania lets children try their hands at being a firefighter, doctor or factory worker for the day

KidZania: It's a small world

The new 'educational entertainment experience' in London's Shepherd's Bush will allow children to try out the jobs that are usually undertaken by adults, including firefighter, doctor or factory worker