If you ask me, in the light of Crufts renouncing its ban on hairspray for dogs, the existence of Harrods Pet Spa where dogs can be perfumed, manicured, face-packed and put under hairdryers, plus all the other horrible things we do to these beautiful, gorgeous, miraculous, loyal animals, I feel I should warn you they are busy planning for the day they rule the world and humans become their pets. In fact, dogs already have a list of 10 Commandments for when this is so:
1. All humans will be forced to smell of our favourite scent – fox shit – and will be rolled in it daily, possibly at Harrods Fox Shit Spa, and possibly before receiving Harrods’ signature Fox Shit Facial.
2. We will put humans to use as Guide Humans, Sniffer Humans, Guard Humans, Hearing Humans, Therapy Humans, Mountain Rescue Humans and Herding Humans – ensuring they provide dogkind with an excellent and unique service – but when we get bored of them we’ll dump them
3. Particularly tiny, cute humans will no longer be treated as human at all, and instead we will blithely dress them in tutus with matching hair-bows as if this weren’t wholly diminishing and undignified for all concerned.
4. Any human who settles comfortably on a sofa will be immediately kicked off, while any human who is witnessed licking their own privates in public, with gusto, will be immediately encouraged, praised and paraded proudly round the neighbourhood.
5. Instead of allowing humans to do their own thing, we will expect them to learn tricks, “play dead”, “roll over” and “act shy”, even though it is all utterly pointless.
6. To create humans that are pleasing to our eye, or fit some arbitrary standard, we shall expect them to interbreed until they have difficulty breathing, or their brains are too big for their skulls and they must writhe in agony all day.
7. All sick, elderly or annoying humans of the kind that kick off at the sound of a postman will be informed that they are going to spend the rest of their days happily frolicking at “a farm in the country”.
8. Lady humans will be forced to breed almost continually so we can sell their babies to any old fool.
9. All humans selected to contest in shows must sit in a cage all day while we will say to anyone who happens to ask: “But he loves it.”
10. We must always remember a human is not just for Christmas, particularly as the human rescue centres don’t open until the New Year. Still, you can always just tie one to the railing, walk away, and be done with it.