If you ask me...So if dogs were human, and we were their dogs

Dogs already have a list of 10 commandments for when the "great change" takes place

Share

If you ask me, in the light of Crufts renouncing its ban on hairspray for dogs, the existence of Harrods Pet Spa where dogs can be perfumed, manicured, face-packed and put under hairdryers, plus all the other horrible things we do to these beautiful, gorgeous, miraculous, loyal animals, I feel I should warn you they are busy planning for the day they rule the world and humans become their pets. In fact, dogs already have a list of 10 Commandments for when this is so:

1. All humans will be forced to smell of our favourite scent – fox shit – and will be rolled in it daily, possibly at Harrods Fox Shit Spa, and possibly before receiving Harrods’ signature Fox Shit Facial.

2. We will put humans to use as Guide Humans, Sniffer Humans, Guard Humans, Hearing Humans, Therapy Humans, Mountain Rescue Humans and Herding Humans – ensuring they provide dogkind with an excellent and unique service – but when we get bored of them we’ll dump them

3. Particularly tiny, cute humans will no longer be treated as human at all, and instead we will blithely dress them in tutus with matching hair-bows as if this weren’t wholly diminishing and undignified for all concerned.

4. Any human who settles comfortably on a sofa will be immediately kicked off, while any human who is witnessed licking their own privates in public, with gusto, will be immediately encouraged, praised and paraded proudly round the neighbourhood.

5. Instead of allowing humans to do their own thing, we will expect them to learn tricks, “play dead”, “roll over” and “act shy”, even though it is all utterly pointless.

6. To create humans that are pleasing to our eye, or fit some arbitrary standard, we shall expect them to interbreed until they have difficulty breathing, or their brains are too big for their skulls and they must writhe in agony all day.

7. All sick, elderly or annoying humans of the kind that kick off at the sound of a postman will be informed that they are going to spend the rest of their days happily frolicking at “a farm in the country”.

8. Lady humans will be forced to breed almost continually so we can sell their babies to any old fool.

9. All humans selected to contest in shows must sit in a cage all day while we will say to anyone who happens to ask: “But he loves it.”

10. We must always remember a human is not just for Christmas, particularly as the human rescue centres don’t open until the New Year. Still, you can always just tie one to the railing, walk away, and be done with it.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Tradewind Recruitment: Intervention Teacher Required To Start ASAP.

£125 - £150 per day + Negotiable: Tradewind Recruitment: A 'wonderful primary ...

Tradewind Recruitment: Maths Teacher

£90 - £140 per day: Tradewind Recruitment: Our client is an 11-16 mixed commun...

Recruitment Genius: PHP / Drupal / SaaS Developer

£32000 - £36000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A rapidly developing company in...

Ashdown Group: Application Architect/Developer - Peterborough

Negotiable: Ashdown Group: Application Architect/Developer - Peterborough, Cam...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Benedict Cumberbatch attends a special screening of his latest film The Imitation Game  

Benedict Cumberbatch race row: What's the actual difference between 'coloured' and 'person of colour'?

Matthew Norman
Pressure is growing on Chris Grayling to abandon the Government bid to advise Saudi Arabia on running its prisons (Getty)  

What in sanity’s name is Chris Grayling doing in the job of Justice Secretary?

Matthew Norman
Greece elections: In times like these, the EU has far more dangerous adversaries than Syriza

Greece elections

In times like these, the EU has far more dangerous adversaries than Syriza, says Patrick Cockburn
Front National family feud? Marine Le Pen and her relatives clash over French far-right party's response to Paris terror attacks

Front National family feud?

Marine Le Pen and her relatives clash over French far-right party's response to Paris terror attacks
Woman who was sent to three Nazi death camps describes how she escaped the gas chamber

Auschwitz liberation 70th anniversary

Woman sent to three Nazi death camps describes surviving gas chamber
DSK, Dodo the Pimp, and the Carlton Hotel

The inside track on France's trial of the year

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Dodo the Pimp, and the Carlton Hotel:
As provocative now as they ever were

Sarah Kane season

Why her plays are as provocative now as when they were written
Murder of Japanese hostage has grim echoes of a killing in Iraq 11 years ago

Murder of Japanese hostage has grim echoes of another killing

Japanese mood was against what was seen as irresponsible trips to a vicious war zone
Syria crisis: Celebrities call on David Cameron to take more refugees as one young mother tells of torture by Assad regime

Celebrities call on David Cameron to take more Syrian refugees

One young mother tells of torture by Assad regime
The enemy within: People who hear voices in their heads are being encouraged to talk back – with promising results

The enemy within

People who hear voices in their heads are being encouraged to talk back
'In Auschwitz you got used to anything'

'In Auschwitz you got used to anything'

Survivors of the Nazi concentration camp remember its horror, 70 years on
Autumn/winter menswear 2015: The uniforms that make up modern life come to the fore

Autumn/winter menswear 2015

The uniforms that make up modern life come to the fore
'I'm gay, and plan to fight military homophobia'

'I'm gay, and plan to fight military homophobia'

Army general planning to come out
Iraq invasion 2003: The bloody warnings six wise men gave to Tony Blair as he prepared to launch poorly planned campaign

What the six wise men told Tony Blair

Months before the invasion of Iraq in 2003, experts sought to warn the PM about his plans. Here, four of them recall that day
25 years of The Independent on Sunday: The stories, the writers and the changes over the last quarter of a century

25 years of The Independent on Sunday

The stories, the writers and the changes over the last quarter of a century
Homeless Veterans appeal: 'Really caring is a dangerous emotion in this kind of work'

Homeless Veterans appeal

As head of The Soldiers' Charity, Martin Rutledge has to temper compassion with realism. He tells Chris Green how his Army career prepared him
Wu-Tang Clan and The Sexual Objects offer fans a chance to own the only copies of their latest albums

Smash hit go under the hammer

It's nice to pick up a new record once in a while, but the purchasers of two latest releases can go a step further - by buying the only copy