If you ask me...The miracle of Kate – the first woman to give birth ever ever ever

An exclusive scoop on The Royal Baby

Share

If you ask me, all this speculation about the royal baby (is Kate opting for natural birth?; a hypno-birth?) and blah, blah, blah when you could have just come to me, for I have the inside scoop. Yes, I’ve been doing my own asking around, and can now exclusively reveal she will have the baby as follows.

First, some time around Kate’s due date – it’s never an exact science, I’ve learned – she will go into labour and experience contractions of the kind that will build in strength and frequency until she feels as if a cluster bomb and several landmines have been detonated in her uterus. At this point, she will race to hospital where a midwife will want to jab her fingers into a place she’d rather she didn’t. Indeed, some women who have actually experienced this say they’ve been minded to cry out: “Hey, that’s my noonie, and it is private”, although, in Kate’s instance, it may well be: “Hey, that’s The Royal Noonie, and I’ll thank you to observe the ‘Keep Out’ sign!!”

However, the midwife will jab away, and will then tell Kate she is “0.00007cms dilated”, and will try not to laugh in her face, although Kate will see it in her eyes. (She just will, I was told.)

Meanwhile, the husband – William, in this instance – will try to do something well-meaning but ultimately useless, like wipe a cool flannel across her forehead as she bites his arm through to the bone and screams, “Give me drugs!”, and then, “Give me more drugs!”, and then “Give me different drugs!”, and then, “Give me more of the different drugs!” and then, “Give me all your drugs!” There will, say those I asked, be no further talk of natural births or hypno-births. Amen.

This will go on for some hours, possibly many hours, as she pushes and pushes. Finally, the baby will come, and the midwife will put it in Kate’s arms and she’ll pretend to fall in love while thinking:“What is this waxy, blue thing with the alien shaped head?”, and then she’ll have to deliver the placenta,  a messy, blood-soaked lump that will give her nightmares for the rest of her life. This is what, barring emergencies, will happen to Kate, and it’s called “Having A Baby”, which may, in fact, be nothing new.

Indeed, some experts say it goes back further than even the iPod and oven chips, is always bloody and painful no matter who you are, how rich or how royal, and that 800 billion women have done it to date. But that’s just silly. So remember and remember good: you read it here first.

Twitter: @deborahross

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: Senior Accounts Assistant - Accounts Payable - St. Albans

£26000 - £28000 per annum + benefits : Ashdown Group: Senior Accounts Assistan...

Ashdown Group: Treasury Assistant - Accounts Assistant - London, Old Street

£24000 - £26000 per annum + benefits : Ashdown Group: A highly successful, glo...

Recruitment Genius: Installation and Service / Security Engineer

£22000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company is part of a Group...

Recruitment Genius: Service Charge Accounts Assistant

£16000 - £18000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Are you a a young, dynamic pers...

Day In a Page

Read Next
A Gold Ferrari sits outside Chanel on Sloane Street  

Sunday Times Rich List: We are no longer in thrall to very rich people

Terence Blacker
David Cameron was openly emotional at the prospect of Scotland leaving the union before the referendum  

Remember when David Cameron almost cried over Scotland because he loved it so much?

Matthew Norman
General Election 2015: Chuka Umunna on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband

Chuka Umunna: A virus of racism runs through Ukip

The shadow business secretary on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband
Yemen crisis: This exotic war will soon become Europe's problem

Yemen's exotic war will soon affect Europe

Terrorism and boatloads of desperate migrants will be the outcome of the Saudi air campaign, says Patrick Cockburn
Marginal Streets project aims to document voters in the run-up to the General Election

Marginal Streets project documents voters

Independent photographers Joseph Fox and Orlando Gili are uploading two portraits of constituents to their website for each day of the campaign
Game of Thrones: Visit the real-life kingdom of Westeros to see where violent history ends and telly tourism begins

The real-life kingdom of Westeros

Is there something a little uncomfortable about Game of Thrones shooting in Northern Ireland?
How to survive a social-media mauling, by the tough women of Twitter

How to survive a Twitter mauling

Mary Beard, Caroline Criado-Perez, Louise Mensch, Bunny La Roche and Courtney Barrasford reveal how to trounce the trolls
Gallipoli centenary: At dawn, the young remember the young who perished in one of the First World War's bloodiest battles

At dawn, the young remember the young

A century ago, soldiers of the Empire – many no more than boys – spilt on to Gallipoli’s beaches. On this 100th Anzac Day, there are personal, poetic tributes to their sacrifice
Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves

Follow the money as never before

Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves, reports Rupert Cornwell
Samuel West interview: The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents

Samuel West interview

The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents
General Election 2015: Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

Fashion editor, Alexander Fury, on what the leaders' appearances tell us about them
Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

The architect of the HeForShe movement and head of UN Women on the world's failure to combat domestic violence
Public relations as 'art'? Surely not

Confessions of a former PR man

The 'art' of public relations is being celebrated by the V&A museum, triggering some happy memories for DJ Taylor
Bill Granger recipes: Our chef succumbs to his sugar cravings with super-luxurious sweet treats

Bill Granger's luxurious sweet treats

Our chef loves to stop for 30 minutes to catch up on the day's gossip, while nibbling on something sweet
London Marathon 2015: Paula Radcliffe and the mother of all goodbyes

The mother of all goodbyes

Paula Radcliffe's farewell to the London Marathon will be a family affair
Everton vs Manchester United: Steven Naismith demands 'better' if Toffees are to upset the odds against United

Steven Naismith: 'We know we must do better'

The Everton forward explains the reasons behind club's decline this season
Arsenal vs Chelsea: Praise to Arsene Wenger for having the courage of his convictions

Michael Calvin's Last Word

Praise to Wenger for having the courage of his convictions