If you ask me...There’s life after horse meat. It’s my recipe for dust stew...

If you are thinking, “I’m at work all day and don’t have time for this”, you may need to ask yourself, "Do I deserve to eat nice food?"

Share

If you ask me, in the light of the horse-meat scandal, and the endless media advice that has been proffered along the lines that everyone can eat fresh food affordably so long as some thought and effort is put into it, I would like to offer my own recipes which, I think, will enlighten anyone who thinks their budget can only stretch to cheap burgers or value bolognese or Asda’s Chilli Con Carne soup, one of those supermarket dishes that combines a number of favourite meals into one, and will reach its apotheosis, I’m predicting, when everyone’s freezer contains at least one Lidl roast trifle pizza with all the trimmings and everyone’s larder has at least one box of Aldi Porridge (Chicken tikka masala flavour).

Anyway, here are the recipes:

Dust Stew: Get some dust and stew it on a low heat for four hours along with the sole of an old trainer, for flavour. If, after this period, the dust is still a little tough, stew for another three hours, or until it is tender. Once tender, season according to taste, remove sole of old trainer, and serve. (If you are thinking, “I’m at work all day and don’t have time for this”, or, “Why should I have to eat such disgusting stuff?”, you may need to ask yourself: am I actually ready to make meals from scratch rather than buy cheap crap from the supermarket? If not, you may wish to further ask yourself: “Have I the right to any pleasures, or should I be made to sit and stare at a wall for the rest of my days?”)

Horse Pommel Pie: You can catch a horse pommel by breaking into any school gym in the middle of the night. Once you have carried it home, saw into steak-sized chunks, fry in a tablespoon of vegetable oil, then layer between pasta sheets or, if you can’t run to those, sheets of kitchen roll. Bake in the oven until kitchen roll is lovely and golden round the edges and serve with a “You won’t be able to tell this from a Findus lasagne!”, which you won’t, plus you’ll know exactly where this particular horse is from, and exactly what sort of life it has led.

Pencil Sharpenings on Toast: Scatter sharpenings on toast and know you have sent the children off to school with a home-cooked meal inside them, and one that has required both thought and effort.

Alternatively, I suppose, one could just stop offering patronising recipes and, instead, accept that horse meat isn’t about what poor people eat, but is about what rich supermarkets sell. Shame, though, as I’ve an excellent recipe for dead battery casserole, but I guess I’ll just have to save it for next time.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Business Analyst - 12 Month FTC - Entry Level

£23000 - £27000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Business Analyst is required ...

Recruitment Genius: Chefs - All Levels

£16000 - £23000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: To succeed, you will need to ha...

Recruitment Genius: Maintenance Engineer

£8 per hour: Recruitment Genius: This is an opportunity to join an award winni...

Recruitment Genius: Telesales Executive & Customer Service - Call Centre Jobs!

£7 - £9 per hour: Recruitment Genius: Are you outgoing? Do you want to work in...

Day In a Page

Read Next
George Osborne appearing on the BBC's Andrew Marr Show on Sunday, 5 July 2015  

George Osborne says benefits should be capped at £20,000 to meet average earnings – but working families take home £31,500

Ellie Mae O'Hagan
The BBC has agreed to fund the £650m annual cost of providing free television licences for the over-75s  

Osborne’s assault on the BBC is doing Murdoch’s dirty work

James Cusick James Cusick
Isis in Syria: Influential tribal leaders hold secret talks with Western powers and Gulf states over possibility of mobilising against militants

Tribal gathering

Influential clans in Syria have held secret talks with Western powers and Gulf states over the possibility of mobilising against Isis. But they are determined not to be pitted against each other
Gaza, a year on from Operation Protective Edge: A growing population and a compromised and depleted aquifer leaves water in scarce supply for Palestinians

Gaza, a year on from Operation Protective Edge

A growing population and a compromised and depleted aquifer leaves water in scarce supply for Palestinians
Dozens of politicians, bureaucrats and businessmen linked to Indian bribery scandal die mysteriously

Illnesses, car crashes and suicides

Dozens of politicians, bureaucrats and businessmen linked to Indian bribery scandal die mysteriously
Srebrenica 20 years after the genocide: Why the survivors need closure

Bosnia's genocide, 20 years on

No-one is admitting where the bodies are buried - literally and metaphorically
How Comic-Con can make or break a movie: From Batman vs Superman to Star Wars: Episode VII

Power of the geek Gods

Each year at Comic-Con in San Diego, Hollywood bosses nervously present blockbusters to the hallowed crowd. It can make or break a movie
What do strawberries and cream have to do with tennis?

Perfect match

What do strawberries and cream have to do with tennis?
10 best trays

Get carried away with 10 best trays

Serve with ceremony on a tray chic carrier
Wimbledon 2015: Team Murray firing on all cylinders for SW19 title assault

Team Murray firing on all cylinders for title assault

Coaches Amélie Mauresmo and Jonas Bjorkman aiming to make Scot Wimbledon champion again
Wimbledon 2015: Nick Bollettieri - Vasek Pospisil must ignore tiredness and tell himself: I'm in the quarter-final, baby!

Nick Bollettieri's Wimbledon Files

Vasek Pospisil must ignore tiredness and tell himself: I'm in the quarter-final, baby!
Ashes 2015: Angus Fraser's top 10 moments from previous series'

Angus Fraser's top 10 Ashes moments

He played in five series against Australia and covered more as a newspaper correspondent. From Waugh to Warne and Hick to Headley, here are his highlights
Greece debt crisis: EU 'family' needs to forgive rather than punish an impoverished state

EU 'family' needs to forgive rather than punish an impoverished state

An outbreak of malaria in Greece four years ago helps us understand the crisis, says Robert Fisk
Gaza, a year on from Operation Protective Edge: The traumatised kibbutz on Israel's front line, still recovering from last summer's war with Hamas

Gaza, a year on from Operation Protective Edge

The traumatised kibbutz on Israel's front line, still recovering from last summer's war with Hamas
How to survive electrical storms: What are the chances of being hit by lightning?

Heavy weather

What are the chances of being hit by lightning?
World Bodypainting Festival 2015: Bizarre and brilliant photos celebrate 'the body as art'

World Bodypainting Festival 2015

Bizarre and brilliant photos celebrate 'the body as art'
alt-j: A private jet, a Mercury Prize and Latitude headliners

Don't call us nerds

Craig Mclean meets alt-j - the math-folk act who are flying high